First post but I just needed to talk to ‘someone’ so here goes. My wonderful father and best friend died about 18 months ago aged 76 in a horse riding accident (he loved riding and he and his horse are in my profile picture). No one knows what happened, he rode often by himself but he fell and hit his head just 100 yards from home and never regained consciousness. I miss him every day - he really was my best friend and i think I was his. we shared laughter, tears and many many happy memories. he was clever, funny generous and kind.
quite apart from the emotional loss he had been supporting me financially and so his death was quickly followed by the sale of my house and the (almost) break up pf my marriage as hubby didnt fancy having to work for a living - we’d been living on my income and my father’s help. My father wanted to leave me money but never changed his will and so my mum inherited everything including money he had been saving for me and refused to help me. My husband was so angry he was yelling at me every night that why had I not had savings - why had I not foreseen this would happen etc etc. after 15 months of struggling I managed to stabilize our finances by selling my house and buying a much smaller one bed one so I have some savings and by pretty much forcing my husband to take a menial job which he hates so we can get by.
But in the end of course its not about the money its about the friendship and that I miss so much its hard to put into words - I had bad days where I cry pretty much all the time I am not at work or in public and i have good days which are often almost as bad because I cant share them with anyone. Husband thinks I need to ‘Fing get over it’ My mother who MUST be grieving herself politely refuses all attempts to talk and didn’t even call me on my 40th birthday - though I call her once a week to see that she’s OK.
someday’s my life seems so empty - I mean I do things, I go to work, I ride and care for my horses (including my father’s old horse who I now look after), I have even had a holiday. But I seem to feel either stupidly happy, impossibly sad, or nothing. I guess I just miss all the things we shared - mostly the humor - he had such a way of making things fun even trivial things and we had all these shared jokes - now no one gets them. I am making it sound worse than it is perhaps I do function perfectly well really - doing ok in my job, being nice to my team, doing well with my horse, and in fact I like my little house very much - more than the bigger one. But wish I could share it with Roger.
I feel like the whole tenor of my life has changed - I am much more nervous about life, I have lost confidence with riding some days, I feel afraid of the future in a way I never did. my marriage is wrecked even though my husband decided in the end he would like to live with me rather than his mum, so though I have a few good pals I feel very alone and the one person who would have helped is gone.
I guess that’s it really
perhaps it will have helped me to write this - perhaps others feel the same.