Needed to talk

Hello people,

First post but I just needed to talk to ‘someone’ so here goes. My wonderful father and best friend died about 18 months ago aged 76 in a horse riding accident (he loved riding and he and his horse are in my profile picture). No one knows what happened, he rode often by himself but he fell and hit his head just 100 yards from home and never regained consciousness. I miss him every day - he really was my best friend and i think I was his. we shared laughter, tears and many many happy memories. he was clever, funny generous and kind.

quite apart from the emotional loss he had been supporting me financially and so his death was quickly followed by the sale of my house and the (almost) break up pf my marriage as hubby didnt fancy having to work for a living - we’d been living on my income and my father’s help. My father wanted to leave me money but never changed his will and so my mum inherited everything including money he had been saving for me and refused to help me. My husband was so angry he was yelling at me every night that why had I not had savings - why had I not foreseen this would happen etc etc. after 15 months of struggling I managed to stabilize our finances by selling my house and buying a much smaller one bed one so I have some savings and by pretty much forcing my husband to take a menial job which he hates so we can get by.

But in the end of course its not about the money its about the friendship and that I miss so much its hard to put into words - I had bad days where I cry pretty much all the time I am not at work or in public and i have good days which are often almost as bad because I cant share them with anyone. Husband thinks I need to ‘Fing get over it’ My mother who MUST be grieving herself politely refuses all attempts to talk and didn’t even call me on my 40th birthday - though I call her once a week to see that she’s OK.

someday’s my life seems so empty - I mean I do things, I go to work, I ride and care for my horses (including my father’s old horse who I now look after), I have even had a holiday. But I seem to feel either stupidly happy, impossibly sad, or nothing. I guess I just miss all the things we shared - mostly the humor - he had such a way of making things fun even trivial things and we had all these shared jokes - now no one gets them. I am making it sound worse than it is perhaps I do function perfectly well really - doing ok in my job, being nice to my team, doing well with my horse, and in fact I like my little house very much - more than the bigger one. But wish I could share it with Roger.

I feel like the whole tenor of my life has changed - I am much more nervous about life, I have lost confidence with riding some days, I feel afraid of the future in a way I never did. my marriage is wrecked even though my husband decided in the end he would like to live with me rather than his mum, so though I have a few good pals I feel very alone and the one person who would have helped is gone.

I guess that’s it really

perhaps it will have helped me to write this - perhaps others feel the same.

Hello Blythe Spirit and a warm welcome to our Online Community. I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us - you have obviously been going through a nightmare since your dear father died. I hope that, just by writing down here what huge challenges you have had to face, has helped you in a small way.
Your father sounded like a wonderful man and you must miss him terribly. I am sure he would be very proud of the way you have faced all the problems in your life - I think you have shown courage and inner strength to deal with it all.
I hope that you will find some comfort and support from others’ posts here - please take care of yourself. With kind regards, Jackie

Thank you Jackie for your kind words. It did help just writing down what I was feeling. And having someone respond with kindness helped too. I have had a nice day today with my horses and wish I could tell my father all about it. He would have been proud of me today and probably at other times. It’s the strengths and gifts he gave me which have enabled me to cope at all. And the love he have me that makes it hard to bear.

Hi Blythe Spirit,

I’m so glad to hear that using this site has made a small difference to how you feel. It sounds as though your horses give you a lovely sense of connection with your father. And being around animals can be so comforting, can’t it?

You’re among people who understand on this site. I will give you some links to other recent posts by people who’ve lost parents - if you feel that you want to chat to any of them, feel free to post your own replies:

H: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/life-without-dad#post-2182
Sue: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/coping-and-not-coping
Candy1960: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/lost-both-my-parents-due-car-crash

Sorry to hear that your husband is not being understanding - being told to ‘get over it’ is just not fair. Do you have any other supportive family members or friends that you can talk to?

Thanks very much - I have a few close friends yes - my best friend who has been super understanding went through something worse with her brother to whom she was very close and she certainly understands - and I have my horses and a cat who are all very understanding in their own animal way - thanks for the links - I will read

Hi I just wanted to talk to someone my partner passed away suddenly I have four beautiful boys from him it’s his funeral tomorrow I’m just trying to hold it together for my childrens. I’m 32 and it’s the last thing I expected to happen. I don’t no what to feel at the minute it doesn’t seem real

Hi happy days
I’m so sorry you have lost your husband and so suddenly you must be in such a state of shock disbelief and your mind all over the place with the sudden change and all the emotions that come with grief! I lost my mum in may this year to terminal cancer and we were peas in pod lived together and so very close now I am alone and I’m in such pain with grief my heart completely broken every day hr a struggle. Just can’t imagine mum never being here again she is locked in my heart mind for eternity . At first things dont seem real as its such a shock especially for you as it was sudden but I found find that you then go through disbelief denial crying anger so many emotions your mind is all over it is good that you have your four boys I’m sure they must keep you going but it must also be tough on you trying to be strong for them the funeral tomorrow will be hard won’t lie but you will get through with your boys . Do you have other close friends family? That is something I don’t have don’t have children either so I find it very difficult I wish did have close family support. I will be thinking of you 2mrow and if you ever wana chat then please just get in touch.
Hug sent
From tray xx

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.

It must be very tough trying to hold it together for your children? I hope this community can help you say how you really feel, finding people in similar situations can help a great deal.

AquariusA & Ev have also lost their partners. You might like to have a look at their conversation? Feel free to post your own reply:

https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/future

And you might like to have a look at this conversation, too:

https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/lost-my-husband-may-year

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Take care,

Kate

Hi Happydays,

I just wanted to see how you are after Friday?

I hope you’re coping ok.

Kate

Ty for your reply I still don’t thinking real I have a medium come through to a friend from my partner saying he is with me ect that made it feel more real. In my head I think he is still here life is cruel. I hope you are coping OK from the loss of your beloved mum. She will be with you and if u experience dreams it’s her letting u no she is OK and with you x

Hi sorry I didn’t no I had these on here it left me heartbroken to leave him there I go every week with my children. It still doesn’t seem real I find myself looking up at the window for him to be waiting x

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