I have just had an interesting day,the morning was spent slobbing about,and as I posted earlier this afternoon was chopping and stacking logs.
As I was getting ready to finish my near neighbour popped her head over the fence with a cup of tea and a piece of coffee cake for me,I said thank you and asked her to sit with me while I ate it.now my wife and I have never been into neighbour hood gossip and politics,it was the usual good mornings,chats about the weather Christmas and birthday cards and thatās it,she informed me that five of my neighbours had lost their husbands in the past few years,of course we had heard and sent condolences and cards and to my shame that was it,so I asked what do they do(I avoided the platitudes) none have remarried,taken new partners,etc donāt gather together for coffees,donāt pop into each others houses,donāt go on holidays,an occasional family day out and thatās it,I asked how do they fill their time,she said tending their gardens,cooking,baking knitting etc,none of these ladies zoom around on mobility scooters or zimmer frames all are pretty active,she said they all had pretty much adapted to their situations and I would too,I was left feeling is that it thenš¤·š¼āāļø
I lost my first husband 20 years ago and I met my second husband through a widow group. We married 5 years after my first husband died. I have remained in contact with a few of the widows, some have remarried, some have remained single. All say they are now happy, or at least content with their lives.
I have recently joined a Tai Chi class, most of the other people are widows, they also say they lead full, contented lives. They all said that they still have a cry now and then, none of them have new partners.
Personally, I feel that the grief is worse this time around. Not because I love my second husband any more than I love my first. They are both in my heart and will always be missed and loved equally. I think it is because I was 48 when I was first widowed. I was more self-confident, my daughterās needs have increased, my son still lived at home, so the house was always full, and I had two sisters with young families then. One sister has died, the other has advanced dementia.
I am finding that āmaking a new lifeā is more challenging this time.
Xx
I think you have hit the nail on the head,age is a factor in recovery from bereavement ,
I think contented and adapted are close bed partners.
Hello Ron11
I hope your day is going as well as possible! I can totally relate to everything you say, and although I have nice neighbours/friends, I so wish they popped round and then I would feel like visiting them too! As you say āis this it?ā
My big family has gradually dwindled and I find myself yearning for the years where people popped in and out of each others houses. I now know what it truly feels like to have lost a husband and I realise that I, too, although offering hugs and sympathies to other people in the past, it was not enough, especially when you miss someone being there to talk to, chat and laugh with.
Itās a comfort to know that all of you in this forum understand.
Hope you find some peace and relaxation.
Sending love X
Wish I could cook, bake or knit! No, I donāt think that has to be it. I go to 4 different groups a month, meet up with friends, garden, write, walk, and also grieve. The time fills itself. Not the same as it did, but John and I always had very separate interests, and Iāve continued with mine, though itās been very hard.
Hi Catrin1
Thank you for this. It reminds me to make myself do more interesting things when I can. I have started a weekly evening salsa class (Iām not very good but will persevere!) and the group who attend donāt take it too seriously - during that hour I feel uplifted instead of feeling down. Some weeks I am able to meet up with friends whenever anyone is free, but I must try to make an effort to carry on alone with some things as I also used to enjoy writing, baking etc. I so often feel a bit pathetic and defeatist when I sit feeling sorry for myself, but you have inspired me. X
Thanks @Eden1 . At first it was really hard, and I ran out of a couple of groups in tears, but everyone was so kind and understanding. And gradually you start to enjoy the activity for itself, and not just because itās filling an absence. I still have times when I drop out as I donāt feel up to it - and coming home is always a killer - but I think I can honour John more by trying to cope with my new, unwanted life the best I can.
Thank you Catrin1 I am more determined now to honour Damien in a similar way. Big hugs to you X
And to you. xx
I totally get how my neighbours who are also widowed donāt seem to always include me but this makes me feel must be me not being ok