The ‘times a healer’ and ‘it will get easier’, don’t seem to be working for me.
I’m 8 months down the line and each day is a battle.
I’ve lots of support from family/friend and also professional help, but I know everyone in this group really understands what it’s like.
Sorry I just needed to off load.
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Hi @lyndal,
I am truly sorry that you are here, but I know amongst our miserable gang of mourners you will find some true friends.
I’m about the same distance along this long, winding and windy road as you are, and I will never forget the love of my life dying in my arms, just when we’d worked out our way to the future a few months before.
He had a brainstem glioma that had been affecting him probably for 3 years or more. It developed into the cruellest brain tumour of all, a GBM4, before it was diagnosed. It could and should have been immediately treated, but for some reason, I guess the general exhaustion that has swept through the NHS since the COVID crisis began, he ended up on an acute stroke unit, where they predictably had no idea of what to do with him.
It doesn’t matter how a soulmate dies, it creates devastation in anyone’s life. My dogs have kept me alive, along with my faith and the knowledge that my close friends would never forgive me if I died.
So I struggle and stumble along, very slowly, taking a day at a time, an hour at a time, sometimes just a minute at a time. Every time I feel I can’t take it anymore, I go outside and look at nature, in my tiny patio garden, or I cuddle one of our 3 dogs, or I have a cup of coffee, a cigarette (I know it’s not good for my health, but sometimes it seems to have the curious effect of calming my racing brain), at night I make dinner for the dogs and then myself, I have a couple of glasses of wine.
The pain we endure is physical. It is also mental torture. It is sheer hell on earth, but I believe that I have to carry on. I know my beloved Jim is watching over me, I can feel his presence sometimes, but I would give everything I have just just to have one last cuddle.
Love to you as a sister in grief,
Christie xxx
ps: lockdown makes the whole thing 1,000,000 times worse…
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Hi @lyndal. Its so tough isn’t it. I’m on my way to 5 months without my husband. it feels never-ending already.
I too have a lot of things I’m grateful for that many people could make a nice life from like my mum brother and stepdad, cats and job. I feel selfish to say but it’s not enough.
Today I saw my mum and that was really good. Whilst in conversation though I can feel my brain screaming in the background that my husband should be here or at least at home waiting for me.
Problems with their bathroom he would have fixed. They had to get some electrician for almost 300 quid for a few light sockets. he would have done that. He would have fixed everything.
I got home and burst into tears despite the most pleasant day all week.
I’m trying to calm myself down reminding myself this is like a raw wound and if course can’t be healed and will hurt. Remind myself of so many things like grief is love yada yada yada. I’m just not sure if I’m up to it. The prospect of potentially 50 years of life still to go and learning to become some other person seems hopeless.
I came home from mum and missed him. I sat in the gazebo and missed him, drank wine. Cried and begged him to come back because this is not enough. The light that has never gone out since he died (automation I still haven’t fixed) looked like it went brighter for a moment (it didn’t it was leaves blowing in the wind I realised later). i thought it was a sign from him right then that he’s here but it still wasn’t enough when I thought that.
I want him, really with his arms, the smell of him… all of it. This not even half life is not enough. I can’t even kill myself anymore I don’t think so instead I’m waiting it out. Trying to live for other people and my cats. To tell our stories even though no one really will care.
I’m so sad too. Sad you are all so sad too.
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Dear FleurDeLis
Yes. All the jobs that we now have to work out who can come and help us or family. My husband was the DIY expert to call. Had so many things go wrong in my house and our son’s house and had to pay to get them fixed when my husband would have been round in a flash, tool-bag in hand and have it sorted.
There are different strands to our life. Our husbands and our relationship with them were the core strand and everything else was built up around it. Now that core has gone and certainly for me will never be rebuilt. I do not look forward because I do not want to think how long I may have to live without him.
I search for signs that he is still here watching over me but see none and it just breaks my heart on a daily basis. I see family and friends return to their normal lives without a second glance back and it saddens me that he is being forgotten.
Have not eaten much over the past two days. No food in house. Can only try to battle on.
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I hope you can get some shopping done if not already Shelia so you can get some food. Yes everything else was built around our husbands and now our scaffold is gone… everyone around us can carry on but nothing can be the same for us so we just keep going day by day trying not to forget the past, not to think about the future. Look after yourself.
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Hi FleurDeLis
Thank you. Got a few things in. Again found myself standing in the middle of the shop and my mind blank. I used to be a well organised and methodical individual - but that person has well and truly gone. The pain is not subsidising only increasing. Rang my GP today hoping to speak to her later this week.
Take care.
Sheila
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Hi Shelia 26. I know what you mean about not being organised anymore. Since my Ron has passed everything had gone wrong kn the house. Last night the key would not turn in the front door and it was late. I didn’t know what to do but sprayed the lock with grease and it licked. Today the car (which has not been starting ) decided to start but smoke was billowing from the boot. When I came indoors J slipped and went headfirst onto the floor. I just burst into tears. I felt as though nothing will be right again. Ron always knew someone to sort things out but I don’t. I can’t think straight when shopping. I always forget or lose something and I keep putting things off for tomorrow. I was so organised and had several staff but now I feel like a lost child. I know I am having a bad day today but that’s just the way it is.up and down all the time. I post that I am getting there and then next minute I am not!. I hope that one day life will be clearer for us all.Love and hugs.
Even my typos are getting worse. Sorry.
Dear Angiejo1
My husband could turn his hand to most jobs in the house and the car. Since he died it has been one disaster after the other. Am trying to stem the flow of cash out in terms of paying people for the repairs and have stripped out and on one of my same days renegotiated all the household payments. I make a list for shopping - either forget to take it or just stare at it in the shop and nothing sinks in. Picked up our grandson from nursery today and thought I had lost one of his shoes, forgetting I had put it in the top of the hood. Stupid, stupid things. Yes it is definitely a bad day. Have tried to read something on forgiveness, as I often feel real anger towards my husband for the hobby which took his life. I see myself in the various stages but just when I think am prepared to consider moving to the next stage slide right back down again. I did not and was not prepared for this life. We thought we had years ahead of us to reap the rewards of our hard work and just enjoy ourselves travelling to far-flung places - it is difficult to accept there is now nothing.
I know that I can live my life with our little grandson and derive as much pleasure from him as possible. But that does not detract from the heartbreak that floats beneath the surface.
Take care
Sheila
Reading what turmoil every one is going through is so sad but reassuring in another, that everyone is feeling wretched with emotions.
Loosing a loved one is so hard but I realise I’m not the only one suffering.
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It’s been almost 20 years now. Lockdown has brought the feeling of loss back with an unexpected intensity and sometimes it’s been physically painful. But at the same time, I wouldn’t want to be without the pain. Life moves on, with children I’ve gone years not thinking about my friend, but that just makes me sad, like she’s disappeared. The pain makes me know that it meant something; it will change again when life changes tact, I’ve no doubt, but for now it is reassuring as it is painful.
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Hi Sheila
I am exactly the same as you
Luckily no disasters today but I am always on pins. Like you I sorted all my household Bill’s out but always something happening to drain my finances. And like you I loose shopping lists
Etc etc. Some days I just give up and stay in…
Take care.
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Hi all. I am going nuts at the moment. This issue is that a certain asset management firm will not give me my money, so my bank account is at it’s £500 OD limit.
Jim sorted out all our finances, admin, things like that. He was a technical wizard. My occupation is utterly different to his, I am a writer. All of my friends know me as a bit eccentric, but they also know that if they need help, if they call me, I’ll come running to help or I’ll send them as much cash as I can, or whatever.
To me, a good friend is worth their weight in gold. I am a but financially stretched ATM, because I have 2 houses, 3 dogs, and no husband. Nevertheless, I still do anything I can to help a fried.
May God bless us all, of you believe in God, and I do. Otherwise remember karma, a buddhist concept that if you try to do good, then good things will come back to you, however desperate your situation is.
Love to you all,
Christie xxx