Never felt pain like this

Losing a parent
1

Lost mum four months ago to lung cancer, I cared for her at home for a long time as the poor woman had multiple health issues before the cancer.

I have never felt so lost and alone as I do now, my light has gone out, I’m drinking heavily and both my aggression and sorrow is through the roof.

Me and mum pulled together to look after nan who passed away twelve years ago with dementia, no other family helped but me and mum were always a team and did it together.

Nan passed away at home in my arms :frowning: and now I realise how mum must of felt all this time but mum had me to prop her up and be her rock.

Now mum has passed I don’t have a rock and I need one so badly it’s destroying me, I have such gratitude to mum knowing how she felt over nan and still putting me first, holiday every year, amazing Christmas etc

Those are all memories now and I’m falling apart, I’m terrified I’m going to give into my anger as I now live in a very rough place.

I had to move as I couldn’t afford to stay at the old flat, I’m so confrontational now this is just not me, I simply can’t tolerate the slightest amount of bs from people.

I’m 6ft 3, 125 kg, a former boxer and everyday is a struggle to not just explode especially with the drinking.

I know I should be proud and remember the good memories there are so many but the bad ones (finding mum in the morning she passed) seem to eclipse all others.

Both nan and mum passed at home, hospice was a no and I eventually came out of fulltime work to look after mum when it got bad.

Why can’t I feel pride guys and gals? I’ve sacrificed my life looking after others, I’m only 38 and I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant having either back for just one final conversation.

Got to say goodbye to nan I didn’t with mum, I came into the living room and she was gone, one eye open and the other closed, that memory is burned into my brain and I can’t unsee it :cry: I never got got to say farewell or thank her for giving her life so I’d have a good one.

How am I going to fight my way out of this one people?

Got no family and two friends

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Hello Adam2912, my deepest condolences for your loss, to have lost your nan and then your mum just recently must be devastating, ..i lost my husband in March. When we lose a loved one, the devastation we feel after their loss is unbearable :broken_heart:, and im sorry to hear you have no other family members, I do hope your friends have been there for you. We all need support, have you looked into counseling or a bereavement group. It does help to talk about your loss, I hope posting here helps you. Or just read some of the posts, there’s so many wonderful people here offering support, we all understand how devastating the loss of a loved one can be. Take care and may God bless you :folded_hands:

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Hi Adam2912

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It’s not until it actually happens that we realise quite what it means. I miss my partner so much and sometimes struggle to see hope for the future.

This forum has been very supportive. As has Andy’s Man Club. They run clubs up and down the country, uk, that meet each Monday. I was incredibly nervous on my first visit. But it very much became a lifeline after my partner died.

I hope you manage to find some peace.

Take care.

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Dear Adam

I’m so sorry for your loss, losing your mum is devastating. I lost my dad just a few months before my husband just fell to the floor as was gone. Please know everyone here understands the nightmare your going through now.

I also think you need help and support from experts. Have you spoken to your GP? Talking really does help, it’s the only thing really that helps. Your GP can refer you for councelling or to a social subscriber who will know what help is available in your area. I went to a few bereavement groups before I found one where I felt comfortable. This one also has a councellor there if you want to speak in private.

I hope you have good friends who are there for you and I hope you reach out for help. What you did looking after your nan and mum should make you proud, I’m sure your they were very proud of you x

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Very sorry, Adam, I can understand how you feel. Most people, I would say all, had devoted their lives to their loved ones, some to partners, others like you or me to their (grand)parents. Grief is the price you pay for love, I only realised this now. While I think most people grieve to an extent, I think the ones that suffer most meet on this website, and are the ones that were giving a lot to their loved ones. I too am having difficulties finding any joy in life, let alone “do things for myself". I am just not interested in myself. I hope we will all find those things again some day…

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Hi and sorry for your loss. I lost my partner suddenly almost eleven months ago now but the pain persists. The anger you describe is actually common, I find I have a very short fuse now. Perhaps your GP could refer you to a. support group or help you address the drinking. Some people on here have suggested that vigorous exercise helps with anxiety and sleep. You’ve. Lost your grandmother, your mum plus you’ve had to leave your home, no wonder you’re struggling. Are your two friends supportive? Just having someone to talk to helps. I hope you find some peace. Take care..

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Hi Adam I found the only thing that helped me when my wife died was exercise. Drink just brings more pain but doing exercise stops it. You can channel your pain out on yourself. I’m much older and I often thought it might kill me which would have been a relief but bit by bit it helped me out of the hole I was in. Your mum and your nan aren’t suffering anymore but I’m sure they are watching you and you have the opportunity to make them proud.

Wishing you all the strength you will need

Tom

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

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