I lost my wife to cancer on christmas eve she was only 54.
We were best mates as well she was always laghing and talkin g we really loved life together then the cancer got her and she was gone12 week later.
The pain that day was the worse ive ever known and 5 week later seems to be getting worse.
The kids are round in the day but when they go at night the silence is terrible just sit here watchin crap on the telly and drinking way too much.
We both used to love our life now i hate it every day seems to drag
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So sorry to hear your news. Unfortunately, no-one warns you what the pain is going to be like, of course, there can be no warning. My thoughts are with you
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Jim, I am so very sorry that your wife died so suddenly and on Christmas Eve as well. It is just horrible. She was simply too young to die. The pain must be unbearable. It is a loss like no other, Earth shattering.
My advice is always the same: pay the bills, feed yourself and try to get some rest. Everything else can wait. In your case, I would also advise to not drink alcohol as it is a depressant and just makes it all worse. Truly, it does. It also wrecks you immune system, liver, kidneys, heart and bladder which are all already on fire with cortisol caused by stress. I am not judging, just suggesting that you do not need to add illness to your heartache or add to the normal depression you feel.
I am 17 weeks in and I don’t remember the first couple of months, I was on auto-pilot and barely functioning in a fog of confusion, anxiety, numbness, fear, depression, sorrow, with no appetite, no sleep, walking in circles, unable to form a complete sentence and no short term memory. Sound familiar? All of it is quite universal. It was 10 weeks before I could open the window blinds.
Still finding it hard to navigate this new world and this entirely different life. Nothing is, nor will it ever be, the same. I am not the same. You are not the same. But, I am still here and so are you. If I have made it this far, you will as well. We just do.
We learn to adapt, step by step, hour by hour. It isn’t easy. We’ve joined a miserable club we didn’t apply for, but can’t quit.
Make a list of 5 things you must do each day, mark them off when done and you will
have a visual reminder that you are, in fact, surviving and functioning. It’s the best one can expect at this point.
It gets a bit easier albeit incrementally. It takes time, the old cliche’ is nearly true; it doesn’t heal all wounds, but the wound will scar over. Just not yet.
Meanwhile, cry your heart out and be relieved that you are experiencing what we all are experiencing. We get it. You are normal in the abnormality.
Much love
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Thanks for your kind words im lucky really my kids and grandkids are helping me throgh it i hope you have someone there for you too
i am so sorry to read about your pain Jim. it resonated with me because it is now 5 weeks since I lost my partner and the pain is worse than it was earlier. It feels real now. Especially as I am collecting his ashes later today. I hadn’t realised what an ordeal that would be. Someone is coming with me thank goodness. Nothing prepares us for this awful heartache, but it does help reading that I am not the only one feeling it. My days are a mixture of crying, well howling sometimes, but I also manage to do some of the practical stuff and make an effort to arrange to be out of the house for a while every day. Being outdoors does seem to help and having some exercise. But the days are soo long now. My 2 little cats are the greatest comfort to me and are now allowed to sleep on the bed.
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Hi artygirl im sorry for your loss i collected my wife michelles ashes a week ago, i was dreading it but it has brought me a lot of comfort we talked about what she wanted before she passed and decided to keep the ashes with me until i go and get the kids to scatter us together.
I no were all different but i find it helps just having her back with me im talking to her all the time sounds daft but its like shes with me again .
I hope it has the same effect for you take care x
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Hi Jim,
I lost my beautiful wife to Cancer 12 weeks ago and like we all now know it’s life changing. Nothing can prepare you for the loneliness. We had over 50 years together and Sue was part of me she was my life.
I have her ashes now and like you it gives me great comfort to have her home with me.
I kiss her first thing in the morning and last thing at night and talk to her as if she was here only now there is no reply I hate the silence and these long dark nights. Its good to talk on here because we all understand we are all going through this nightmare trying to hold it together and cope the best way we can.
Keep going everyone it’s hard but it’s what our loved ones would want. xx
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Jimstrummer, I am so soory to read of the loss of your wife on Christmas eve. My dear husband, best friend, love of my life loved life together and it was only ever the two of us. The pain is indescribable and minuted. My ability to concentrate is shot with the telly and only cursory with the radio. Drinking far too much too. We loved life and now I desperately want to be with him despite a facade of being functional to the outside world.
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Thank you Jim. I have to go back there today as yesterday was just to choose the container and I didn’t realise. The decisions we have to make! I chose a tube with the night sky, moon and stars. But I think it will be good to bring him home with me today and like you I will be talking to him too.
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Hi artygirl
That sounds like a scatter tube which I got for my wife recently. I am not ready yet to make any long term decisions about her ashes.
For the time being I now have her on the pillow nest to me. I find it comforting to kiss her first thing in a morning and last thing at night like I always used to do, and when I can’t sleep I put my arm around her and talk to her .
It’s a one way conversation but comforting all the same. I know she can hear me. It’s just my way of still having a connection.
Hope you find some comfort too whatever you decide x
Thank you Slingshot. Well I chatted to him as I walked through town carrying him back to the car hoping I didn’t look like a mad woman. But yes, it feels right to have him home. I have put him on the bedside table. It’s lovely that you put your arm round your wife. She would want to be a comfort to you I’m sure.
My dear husband asked to be buried. It was the only thing he asked for regarding his funeral so that’s what we did. I had a gravestone put on the grave and my son and his lovely wife and I go up there every couple of weeks. I put flowers from our garden on his grave which have been a little thin in the winter but I still managed to find one or two to take along. He did get a hyacinth flower I grew this year for him.
He’s not there in that cold place I know. If he is anywhere he’d be in our house, the home he lived, worked and loved in, but it gives me a little comfort to think he has flowers that are only for him.
I do have a photo of him that I touch each morning and evening and tell him that I love him.
It’s 45 weeks and I’m still waiting for him to come home. I wonder if that will ever go?
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Hi artygirl
That’s nice of your husband is near to you on the bedside table. Close enough to talk to when you are in bed . I tell my wife what I have been doing through the day. It’s just nice to talk and have a focus point. Hope it works well for you
Thank you. Yes, it’s amazing the things we have to get used to isn’t it. But I’m glad he’s there.