New here..lost my mum

Hello.
I thought I’d join here and see if this could help me at all.
I lost my mum at Christmas time.
She had a major heart attack a year ago and it ruptured a hole in her heart which they gauzed. After being in intensive care for 5 weeks and being severely ill, she came home. For 6 months she struggled with her breathing and weakness. It was horrible to see. She had to go back in November to have a skin graft on this hole inside the chamber of her heart. Her lungs were filling with fluid too.
They operated and found her valve had also broke.

She didn’t wake up. I held her hand whilst they turned the machines off.

I’m reeling. I feel sick most if the time and panic stricken I can’t get her back. She was my best friend and we were inseparable.
I had a full hysterectomy at the end of October and she was helping my have blood thinning injections one minute and gone the next. I was coming to terms with that and recovering from that as well.

I’m lost. And I’m empty and my heart is in pieces for my dad. My mum and dad grew up from 16 together. My mum was only 69.

I feel like my inner child is screaming. I just don’t know how to handle all of this together along with all the worry of how lonely my dad is now.

I’m out of sorts and uneasy and tired with holding it together to focus on work but even that’s hard. I threw myself back.

My chest is aching all the time. The loss of her is immense as she was a massive part of all our lives.

The same thing that happened to her, happened to her mum, so I am going through what she went through 30 years ago.

I feel mad if I laugh at something…which isn’t often.

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Dear Willow22,

What a lot you have had to cope with in one year. Your mum was still so young, and it must have been so hard to see her struggle with her health even after she had the first operation. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to sit with her when the machines had to be switched off. It sounds like you and her had such a special relationship and you must miss her so much. There is nothing I can say or do to take that pain away. Losing our parents changes our lives. I lost my dad 5 years ago, my mum a year later. I can understand what you say about finding it hard to see your dad’s grief. All you can do is be there for him and let him talk about it when he wants to.

When we grief it is easy to forget to look after ourself and ignoreour own health issues. I hope you are able to eat and sleep well. Grief takes a lot of energy, and I saw in your profile that you have a part-time job and two teenage sons, so quite a busy life. Have you had any health checks recently? If not, it maybe a good idea to make an appointment with your GP to talk about the tightness in your chest, the tiredness and feeling sick. Sometimes these symptoms are just our bodies coping with the grief, but is alwasy good to rule out any other reasons just to put our minds at rest.

I hope that joining this online commnunity will help you. There is also a new self-help section that may be useful to look through. You can find it here: https://selfhelp.sueryder.org/support/

xx Jo

Hi Willow,

I’m so sorry to read about your loss and you sound as though you had a lovely bond with your Mum.

I miss my Mum so much too. She was very central to my life, a great friend and most of all I want my Mum.

I think our Mums would hate to know how much we grieve them but it’s the cost of loving someone so much. I’m still reeling from her not being here and understand how you describe being empty.

I hope for both of us that we can manage to accept our Mums will always be part of our lives but in a different way. That feels like small comfort at the moment but I want to be able to remember all the good stuff without the sadness swallowing me up.

I have well meaning people say that it’s time to live. (My Mum only died 5 weeks ago.) I know they are just worried about me and I know that I am depressed. The thing is, that’s natural! Something I hate is feeling so vulnerable and that I can’t cope. I slipped last Saturday - very early when I couldn’t sleep. It’s not healed properly and I panicked that I’m going to get sepsis. I feel as though my world has been knocked out of orbit. Mum was ill - but stoic, funny and a great emotional support.

I’m eating but not really tasting the food. Mum would be angry if I didn’t. I don’t sleep and the GP has given me a small supply of sleeping pills. That is the thing that scares me - the not sleeping. I’m worried my body will adjust and I’ll be an insomniac forever. Are you managing to sleep? Some people sleep loads after a bereavement (I’ve read some people prefer to stay in bed and sleep on here).

Anyway, this is a good community to talk to. Let your inner child scream on here. We’ve got to do what works for us and be kind to ourselves and each other.

Wishing you all my best.

Stephen

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5 weeks! Gosh you must be feeling so raw right now.
It’s a numb feeling isn’t it.?
You can’t feel, react properly, taste anything or sleep correctly.
I don’t sleep well.
I wasn’t sleeping well before she died either.
I’m a worrier. I think alot in the quiet of the night. This is where I have the most peace. I’m not good at switching off to relax and sleep because I don’t think I can relax properly as I need to keep going over it in my head.
Wheres she gone,
Is she distressed,
Has she found her family,
Is she hurting.

I am physically tired from holding my self together for the sake of others all the time. It’s when I’m alone I fall apart.

I used to be on setraline. But have come away from it so I can feel this all and react.

People say to me I’ve been in shock for a long time and showed alot of strength at the funeral. But I don’t feel this I side. I feel small and sensitive.

I’d like to run away and lick my wounds really.

My advise to you is…and what I have found is…I to take one hour at a time. And that’s all I can do and could do at first. I had to be realy busy so I couldnt think about the trauma of it. You have to know in yourself how much you can give each morning when you get up.
Some mornings you will go through the motion’s and get past each hour and some days you will wake and you just won’t be able to swallow. On those days take it slowly.
The grief changes. I’m still in shock but almost getting used to the shock. I can’t accept it and I’m feeling angry and sensitive at the slightest thing. Every few weeks, you might notice this too.

Rachael.

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Thanks Rachael for your kind words.

It helps to hear about what you have experienced. I just feel so tired through sadness and lack of sleep right now.

I spoke to a support helpline and the woman was very kind and said that people are far more resilient than they realise. I’m not sure about that. I can usually handle life’s knocks but this is way, way bigger than what I can cope with.

You sound brave in how you are tackling your grief - face on. That takes guts. I am trying to handle my loss at the moment by talking to support helplines like Cruse. It makes everything real and I’m processing my feelings by speaking to others.

Thank you again for taking the time to write to me. It helps a lot.

I don’t have any family left. I just wish I could talk about Mum with people that really knew her. It would bring her back - in just a small but lovely way. I would feel as though there were people out there for me too. Sorry, been in a low mood all day.

We were lucky that we shared that close bond with our Mums. So many people never had that and it’s something we can always treasure.

Take care and be as kind to yourself as you’ve been to me

Stephen x

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