Hi Zoe9 I am so sorry you lost your son Sam to cancer and I feel your pain. 
my son died suddenly with no warning and I really don’t know what is worse. There are so many things I would have liked to have said to him if I had known time was short, but then it would have been so distressing to all to know that Was the case. Sometimes I think how stupid I was just to take it all for granted, thinking he would always be here, oh if only we knew how life could utterly change in a heartbeat. I would hear of these things happening to other people and my heart would go out to them but I stupidly never thought it would happen to me . I just can’t deal with it . I lost 2 stone as I could not eat because my stomach felt like it was in knots, I am eating better now and people may think I am doing better because of that , but I am still dyeing on the inside and feel I always will be. There is just no way out of this , our children should not go before us, i really don’t know how our minds are supposed to cope with it all. Sometimes when I am on my own I just literally scream . xx
Hi Zoe 1825 i have a granddaughter who is 14 that I am like you also worried about. She is the daughter to my son that I lost in May and is also very quiet but seems on the outside to be doing ok. She keeps it all inside, but is that so she does not upset anyone else ? I feel it will come out sometime . I have given her the address of a website for children that have lost parents as I find this one so helpful to me. Teenage years are so difficult under normal circumstances, I can’t imagine how you cope if you lost a loved one at such a young age. She does not talk to me about it all and if I ask her I just get yes or no back , no discussion, and to be honest I don’t even know what to say if she does ever ask. I know the school have been good and offered her support. Has your daughter had any support in school and was she very close to her brother ? I hope you and she have supportive friends you can talk to although I feel no one can fully understand unless they have been through it xX
Thankyou you jss for replying .you sound just like me i feel the same .sam was brave never wanted to be told he sat in the marsden at 24 asking how long had he got .they said up to a year . I feel i know how much i loved him nut never said enough . We spent two weeks in the hospice .holding hands all night .he then came home for three weeks he died in his sleep .there are no words for this terrible loss .i feel dead inside im the opposite food is my comfort .this sick crazy life its so wrong im so angry and sad just want him home . I hope in time this pain must get better im always here to talk sending you a big hug zoe
Hi zoe9 how I wish I had had time to hold my sons hands and talk to him before he passed instead of the frantic CPR I had to do watching him turning blue and his life leaving him in front of me, but I know also how exhausting it is being with someone slowly passing in hospital as when my mother was ill and don’t know if I could have been strong enough to have survived that with my son. I have so much guilt and feel responsible that if only I had done the CPR better he might have survived , even though the doctor told me less than 10% do survive CPR.
How unbelievable cruel it must have been for you with your son , you must have been praying everyday for some sort of miracle. It is all such a nightmare, but I do get the comfort eating situation you talk about, i have had it myself in the passed I would eat and eat all sorts of rubbish I didn’t really want to but feel I needed to satisfy something that couldn’t be satisfied. How strange how our bodies react to emotional situations. I don’t really care at the moment tho whether I eat too much or not at all or what it is doing to my body. I know I am drinking more than I should and that’s not good but I am doing what ever I need to at the moment just to get me through another day .
I have some really kind friends who I can talk to but my goodness there is no way they can get what this is really like and I truly hope they never find out. I am so thankful that I can connect with others on this site who are in the same place and we can all express the feeling that we can’t open up to with any one else .
Take care and be gentle with yourself xxX jss
Sorry to ask how old was your son .was he ill . I feel the same no one can really understand .its a very lonely place. You have to do what ever gets you through do you other children .thank you for talking to me zoe
Well he was older than your son but only 12 to me 
they are always our babies aren’t they no matter what age they are , and he has a14 year old daughter .He was such a kind, sensitive gentle man and very protective of me, We were very close. No he wasn’t ill as such (well thats what he told me, he was not one to complain like your boy wasn’t) that’s why it was such a shock, some thing was not quite right but nothing serious we thought, and with Covid it was so difficult to get anything sorted with GP appointments and stuff. He was waiting for a scan and He even tried to go private because the wait was so long , but he died before that could get sorted. Some sort of heart attack . I get very angry about everything sometimes. Yes I have another son who lives away. X
So sorry . I just cant comprehend how these things happen.the saying life is short .you dont expect to outlive your babys , i have a daughter 29 she has three children .they saw sam every day he was so close to them . He was very homely and didnt mix .this life just a very sad place to be right now. Take care thank you again for talking like me you prob dont sleep well im a night owl .zoe xx
Oh yes sleep, I do that sometimes:confused:can never rely on it tho. Sometimes I can, other times I just lie awake hour after hour. Tried everything , when I get up I can’t wait to go back so I can sleep and forget this hell for a while . If only it was that easy ,luckily I have sleeping tablets off the doctor when I am desperate. It’s so bizarre that you can be soooo tired and desperate for sleep but your brain just won’t do it. I do envy people who sleep well. I usually end up on this site then but they say social media is the worst thing when you can’t sleep , but what can you do.
Oh have you heard WESTLIFE song I’ll see you again, some one mentioned it on this site I had never heard it but I love it and play it all the time now it gives me a bit of comfort , I cry all the time with it but it’s beautiful x
Same i have sleeping tabs but try not to take them all the time. Yes i love that song .years ago i see westlife in concert. Sam loved the song i am a giant by rag and bone man .he sure was a brave giant. Its like taking our children has ruined what life you left its so awful .its been nice sharing thoughts thank u zoe x
Hi Zoe I see you are still awake then like me.
I find I can’t watch tv as much as I used to , all seems irrelevant now , so I am reading self help books. One I found helpful was written by David Kessler “ finding meaning the sixth stage of grief” I got it from the library but you can also get it from amazon. David is a grief specialist who has written lots of books and grew up with bereavement all around him , he thought he knew everything there was to know about it until his own son died at 21 , then he REALLY got it. I found it helpful anyway . Been good talking to you to x
Yes it certainly does make sense. The pain doesn’t leave but somehow we go forward. People around us tell us how strong we are and how well we are doing but they don’t see when we hide away and cry or when we lay in bed at night and cry ourselves to sleep. This is a very lonely place as anyone who has not lived this nightmare can’t possibly imagine it and I personally would not wish for anyone to understand as it would mean they have lost a great love.