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Tony, my husband, best friend and soulmate died just over two weeks ago. Although he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in Sept 2018 we coped together with all the chemo and he was still relatively strong and happy. On 1st Nov he felt a bit ‘odd’ and the out of hours gp came to examine him on the 4th Nov and said he needed to go to hospital for a chest x-ray to see what was going on and that one would probably arrive in an hour or two. At no time did he indicate it was an emergency… 20 minutes later my wonderful husband collapsed on the settee. I was in a complete hysterical panic. I rang 999 and had to do chest compressions but it was too late. I can’t stop seeing my husband looking so helpless and vulnerable. It was always him looking after me and being my rock even while enduring so many different types of chemo and I feel I let him down somehow by not ringing 999 sooner or making him go to A&E when he started feeling odd. He actually died because the cancer had spread from the lining of his lung to the lining around his heart. His Macmillan nurse was also really surprised that he’d died as he was so strong battling his disease.
He was my rock and the love of my life. We were together and inseparable since 2003. My daughter and husband and young family live three hours away and they have visited and stayed with me for two separate weekends. When they are here things aren’t so hard, but when they leave I feel even more alone and helpless, and all the feelings of grief and loss come flooding back.
Tony’s funeral is on the 7th December. I have so much planning and paperwork to do but feel it’s all too much. I should be taking his clothes to the funeral directors tomorrow but I don’t know how I can face doing it. Also I want to see him to say goodbye but I don’t know if it will make me feel worse or better.
Sorry for the rambling. At least writing this has been a divertion from sitting in front of the TV and making endless cups of tea that just go cold.
Julie

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So sorry to hear of your loss. Hopefully you will find this site as comforting and supportive as I have. Nobody here can change the circumstances, unfortunately but we all understand and feel your pain.
I think back to the early days myself and wonder how I got this far. I have to say it’s due to this site. To be able to rant, cry, say what you like is such a relief ……. The only relief we can get while on this crazy journey.
Keep reading and posting on here. There is some good advise floating around and strangely although we don’t know each other we are like one big family.
It’s unfortunate and extremely sad that we find ourselves here but here we are and throughout your journey you can lean on us

Take care
Dee xxx

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Joules58,so sorry for your loss,my husband passed away 8 weeks ago after having a very unexpected operation on life support for 4weeks we kept hoping he would eventually get better until the doctors told us nothing else could be done e
Grief is so painful,heartbreaking he was my best friend,I also tk clothes to the funeral directors it’s a personal choice to see your loved ones or not I went nearly every day it comforted me but do what you feel best.Im glad I found this forum people are going through the same nightmare ,we share our problems

Look after yourself

Christine x

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You are not rambling Julie. I understand that you are trying to make sense of all that has happened to you so recently. I’m so very sorry for your great loss.
It’s heartbreaking to lose your rock under such circumstances, but as Dee has already said, we understand, as everyone on here is on the same painful journey.
It is such early days for you at the moment.
You will find the strength to get through the funeral. I think seeing him at peace will be a great comfort for you.
Please know that you couldn’t have done anything differently, unfortunately these things are going to happen and we can’t stop them, although we so desperately wish that we could.
I hope tomorrow is ok for you. Thinking of you, wishing you strength. Take care xx

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That’s such a lovely message Dee and so true xx

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Thank you for your reply everyone. We always knew the cancer would take him. BUT we both presumed it would be a gradual process so we could have final cuddles and I love yous. NOT as sudden as a snap of the fingers. I even had my back to him when he went which is something I can’t get over. I should’ve been sitting with him, holding him and telling him I loved him while waiting for the ambulance. Not with my back to him bending down to get his trackie bottoms for him to wear.

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Thank you all.

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