New marriage, lots of pain for both parties

Hello to anyone out there.

I came to seek help with a little empathy and advice. See my husband and I have been together not even a year married for 4 months and we have been arguing for almost 3 weeks. My husband lost his mum about 3 years ago. She was diagnosed with cancer and he was there by her side until the day she passed on which was about a year in total. They lived together in the flat we live in now, this is Her Flat. We were apart for 3 months while dealing with immigration stuff and I’ve been back home with him for 3 weeks.

My background:
During that time of his life, I was going through a brutal divorce with someone who had schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I was mentally drained and ended up in a psych hospital for trying to commit suicide. Since then things happened to me in life. I met a lot of narcissists one of whom managed to get a lot of money from me and I was sexually assaulted. I decided to move my life to Scotland where I met my now husband. I can and am one to admit that I have had a few mental breakdowns in the last few years. When I met my husband he was so understanding of what I had gone through. And I was empathetic of what he had gone through. I honestly don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent but I can empathise to the extent of losing people I have loved all tragically and unexpectedly. And I understand it’s not the same.

My husband has been very isolated since his mum’s passing, he’s always been an introvert, he doesn’t make friends easily and is used to being on his own. He grieves very heavily about his mum to the point of depression, and irritability, he is short-tempered and says often enough that he wishes he wouldn’t wake up in the morning or that he’s not lucky enough to just get hit by a bus while he’s out. While we were separated he fell deep into depression and isolation. Many times he would ignore my calls, and texts, and would tell me that we weren’t going to work out and we should just end things now before we got attached more and it hurt more later when it eventually will happen regardless because marriages don’t work out.

While I was away not out of choice mind you, I had an alarm going off almost every two hours to make sure I text him while I was supposed to have been sleeping. I would call him afterwards or before bed so that he would feel less alone and remind him that I’m here and not going anywhere. We were arguing a lot about immigration stuff, money, loneliness, missing one another, and how hard the whole situation was. Being away wasn’t easy for me either. I worried about him, what he may or may not do not just to harm himself but our relationship as well. I worried I wasn’t doing enough to show him he wasn’t alone in life. Since we have been back together we have held one another even during the darkest of times. We have said some not-so-great things to one another and have gotten to the point of almost being physical. It’s an ugly side.

I am on the path of seeking help as I was once before. My husband says he will never seek help with his depression or his grief because no amount of talking about it or medication, or meditation or CBT will take away the fact that his mum is gone. The only thing he would do is cut off his leg to bring her back and that can’t and won’t happen. We are at an impasse do we stay together or do we go our separate ways? He tells me he probably isn’t going to live much longer anyway, and that if or when he dies I won’t be none the wiser nor will anybody because he will be alone. How can I leave someone who has no one? How do I love and live a happy life with that on my shoulders? :sob: I don’t know what to do. My heart and brain are split in two separate directions. I’m mentally not doing well myself.

Hello @Wildflower,

Thank you for starting this thread and sharing your story with us. It sounds like you’re coping with a lot right now, so I’m glad to hear you are on the path to seeking help.

Hopefully someone will be along to offer their support, but you might want to look at the Relate website. They offer different types of relationship support, including individual counselling.

You mentioned that things have almost gotten physical on occasion. This is really worrying to read. You might find this page helpful - your safety and wellbeing is important, too.

Keep reaching out and take care,

1 Like

Hello wildflower, let me be honast from the start, I am not the best qualifide person to help you in that I have never even been properly in a relationship, so my perspective is based purely on what I knoiw from life.

Given your experiance I am surprised you still want a relationship, I would have thought you would have put you off men all together and that you would never let any man near you again which woukld be my reaction.

Try to bear in mind your husband has been proberbly tromatised byn his experiance with his mother, and he was there when she passed, and my mother died in my arms early january after 4 years with dementia and I was strate under a mental health nurse suffering from hypertensuion, depressiuon and ptsd, and given he lived alone with his mother as I did I can relate to that.

It may well be he has suffered lasting sociological trarma from his experience and needs help, it sounds to me that he is suffering depression, and probably ptsd, in my case I had to help with end of life palliative care among other things, Battle of Britain spitfire pilots got more sleep then I did during her last 6 months and it was a question who was going to give out first, she was my mother, she wanted to die at home and there was no ware else anyway and no family close to hand so I was forced to go on to the end, what ever the outcome, and I did my best in what was a desperate situation, another week they would have probably carried me out, I have health issues myself and was close to the end, i could have failed at any time during her last two months. frankly it was like a war zone.

You need to ask yourself this, do you love him, and does he love you?, and you must both be honest with each other, if the answer is no then there is no future, if yes, then there is a bases to work on, and the first thing is to try to get help for your husband, he has to come to terms with his loss, I can only commend to him, and to you, the teachings of St Frances of Assisi, and I included this in my mothers eulogy ‘We need the humility, to accept the things we cannot change, it is only then the healing process can begin’ I am NOT saying you should leave him, what I am saying is you need to protect yourself, you say things have almost come to violence?, does he drink a lot?, that, is a danger sign and if he does, be aware of that, and plenty of people live alone, I do, and some 30% of drellings are just single ocupantcy and you must not put yourself in harms way no matter how much you love him.

From what you say your husband needs help, and in his own way is quite venerable, and the grief and trarma(both branches of the same tree like fear and anger) are nowing away at him, and its clear from what you say that he really loved his mother, and that suggest that he is a fundamentally descent man,me and my mother have been mistaken by shop and hotel staff as a married couple, much to our amusement and there embarrassment!!

But sadly, if he is not prepared to accept help, then hard as it is, my advise to you is to leave him…UNTIL HE AGREAS TO ACCEPT HELP, make it clear you will not speak to or see him again until he checkes in with his gp and makes an appointment to see the mental health nurse, if he loves you, he will do it in order to save the relationship, its a case of being cruel to be kind, and you, must make that move.#

Good luck

Blessings to you both



Thank you for your response. I know in my heart and head that that’s the decision I need to accept. But I am having a hard time accepting that, I feel terrible that he doesn’t have a lot of family and has no friends. How can I be ok with someone being alone?

I told him that I didn’t know if I could continue if he wasn’t going to accept help. His response to that was I’m not going to and I’m not ok with you giving me an ultimatum. I tried to explain I was concerned about his well-being because he likes to insist that I get help for my trauma.

I feel trapped in a sense. I don’t have the means to purchase my ticket back home and am having to depend on him to do that. Which he continues to procrastinate on. My mental state is in harm’s way, I don’t feel like myself and it’s taking a toll on me physically as well.

Thank you for your kind words and advice, it’s much appreciated.

Warm regards,

Wildflower, if you feel in danger then you must get yourself out of there and find a womans refuge ware you will be safe, yours is a desperately sad situation, and clearly if your husband stood by his mother for a whole year while she was dying then he is not a bad egg, but the experience has scared him like it scared me, but unlike your husband I tend to be more pragmatic and accepted help when it was offered and I was lucky in that I did not have to ask for it, my mums doctor took one look at me towards the end of my mums life and she realised I was at the end of my tether.

You should find a womans refuge and leave him, the best way to make yourself attractive to a man is to walk away from him (even I know that and I am A secsual, I couldn’t care less) and make it clear YOU WILL NOT RETURN UNTIL HE MAKES AN APPOINTMENT TO SEEK HELP, and when he goes to that appointment go with him, and that way show him moral support.

Be strong, sometimes in life we have to be

Blessings to both of you and may God give you the courage and strengh to persevear.