Hello, I’ve just joined this community, 11 months after losing my wife.
She always said to me that I must move on, be happy, find a new partner. So I was surprised back in May to find myself in a situation that I was talking to a lady in a similar situation to me and I felt guilty; was it too soon? could I do this?
Although that didn’t go anywhere, I did have an epiphany moment and decided I must do this; move forward and be happy. All of the usual cliches came out - Life’s Too Short etc. My 2 grown up children were very supportive. In June I decided to try a (very good) Dating App and within days a very lovely lady. who lived locally, contacted me. She was very supportive and sensitive to my situation as a ‘recent widower’. We met for coffee with a view to just seeing how it went as ‘friends’ and our connection was amazing. We met a second time and we both felt there was something here. We then went on a proper ‘date’ nice meal, wine…and almost 4 months later we have a fantastic relationship, We’re both very happy.
Almost all of my friends are happy for me. Some have asked why didn’t I try other dates though? See how it goes for a few months, then maybe go back to this first one? The reason why I haven’t is that the chemistry, how we communicate and her support has been very special. If I’d met her in a pub, I wouldn’t say – “oh hang on I’m going to pop into another 5 pubs to see if anyone else is available!” If it works, then it works is how I’ve seen it.
I’m gradually introducing her to my local community, but I do feel ‘guilty’ in one sense, is it all too soon? should I have waited longer? What will people think? Am I really ready? (I still have ‘firsts to go through). Should I be grieving more? Should I be up front with my new found happiness – will I be judged on that? It all feels like It’s moving forward and I’m really happy…but all of these questions surround me. My grief for my late wife will last forever, we have wonderful memories, but I know that a new love can be found later in life.
I met my second husband in a widow support group. It was 4 years after my first husband died. He had been widowed about a year. We met in the company of other widows a few times and gradually felt a connection. Eventually, after a few months we got together. He moved in with me and then we got married. I checked with my grown-up son, my mother-in-law and my first husband’s brother. Everyone was happy for us.
We went on to have 16 wonderful years together. Sadly he died in May this year.
Neither of us ever regretted re-marrying, we both continued to love and mourn the loss of our first marriages.
Only you know how you feel, I have no idea what it would have been like if either of us were not widowed, it must be difficult to ‘compete’ with a dearly loved deceased former partner.
But I wouldn’t worry too much about what other people might think. It’s your life, only you can live it.
Good luck. Xx
@ScottC I think it’s great that you’ve met somebody else and you’re both really happy together. I also agree that when you’ve met someone special then why try and widen the net? I bet there would be some who would criticise you if you had!
I met someone last week, weirdly at a motorway service station when I was waiting for 2 hours for the AA relay to take me home. A hot, sunny day (thank God), a man sat at my picnic table and we just talked about everything for a good hour. He was great, and in other circumstances I’m sure we would have exchanged numbers, but I walked away before he could ask, I bottled it. It’s too soon for me, I’m still Steve’s girlfriend my heart and soul. But I now realise that it will happen someday, and that makes life worth hanging on to. @Willow112 You say that you have no idea what it would be like if you hadn’t been widowed, but you would never have been in that situation if it hadn’t happened, I’m sure. But it did and that was the result. Good for you.
There will be more sunny days ahead, I know it.
@SadGirlfriend sorry to hear of your loss. When you least expect it, someone will come into your life, that’s for sure. 6 monhs ago I would never have predicted how my life has changed. Take care and stay strong.
I wish you every happiness in your new relationship. Try not to worry about what other people think it is your life and if you feel ready to move on then so be it.
Congratulations and hope it works out for you. If she’s special and you feel the connections then that’s perfect. I think guilt arises because we still love them and didn’t choose to end the relationship, death took them. Its a strange one that only we will understand.
I’m glad everyone is happy for you, i hope that’s the case for me when i move on. Life is too lonely without love. Best wishes!
Wow! Where I live I have not found one single man… I yearn for what you have but despite using dating apps and asking everyone I know, I cannot find one. I believe although your first partner cannot be replaced, having a companion to share life with lightens the load and adds to life’s experiences… Only having myself to talk to each day - all day is crazy hard. I only met opportunists - probably because there are no singles in my neck of the woods.