Some time ago I posted a comment about theads and how they can be drawn together to make a quilt…how all the posts here, whatever the thread title , have their inception in grief and need but also reflect our attempts to reach out to each other and offer some comfort and reassurance.
So, as we continue making our own quilts in 2019 I just wanted to try to reassure those new to the site that you WILL slowly get better at managing your grief during the days ahead…those of us who have been “plodding” for a long time are testament to that!
Nothing will ever be as it was…but I think it helps if we remember that our loved ones did not leave us through choice and that their legacy of love is constant as we breathe through one day at a time.
There are still things of beauty in the world which keeps on turning…there are things we can do to make life a little better for someone else…the present is not the gift we wanted but it is still given to us.
Keep going everyone…our quilts aren’t finished yet…we may need to go back and unpick some of it but we can also sew on some new patches…one day at a time.
May “whatever your particular Force is” be with you throughout 2019 and may each day bring kindness and a little comfort to everyone . X
I always like to read your contributions as they are just sufficiently positive that it transmits to me. You have obviously walked the walk and have found the necessary motivation and determination to make the most you can of each day. That’s just what I aspire to and you are helping in that. I love beautiful things and I am beginning to notice them again. Thank you.
Thank you Yorkshire Lad! It’s not easy but I have always thought that I have been given this time alone for a reason and I do try hard to find things to be grateful for…some days more successfully than others!
I really enjoy your posts too…you have a way of putting pictures into my mind…be they of walking the moors or watching a pantomime!! I also think it is good to get a man’s perspective on things sometimes!
I know it is early days for you but hope that the days ahead will allow a little sunshine into your life…those who have gone before really wouldn’t want us to be so overwhelmed that we forget how to live in their memory x
Thank you amelie’sgran for your refreshing words,and i think the same regarding your thoughts on “given this time alone for a reason”,i am working on gratitude for what i have,and i do have a lot to be thankful for,even the little things x
Before she died my wife had spoken to each of our four children and told them that they had to keep pushing me to do all those things I had wanted to, and visit all those places I had wanted to visit, over the years and never got round to.
Given the circumstances of how her plans were limited, and then cut short, I know in my heart she would be completely annoyed if I wasted a single day and she wouldn’t just be in my heart, she would be in my ear, letting me know.
I think I’m fortunate in that I seem to have a heightened sense of good fortune when I find myself in the presence of great beauty, and that can be all manner of things in the natural world or, maybe, Art or music.
We only have to look at a newspaper or turn on the TV to get a constant reminder as to how many people suffer, and how that has come about. I have lot to be grateful for and I tell myself that.
Your wife sounds like one strong ,wise selfless lady,her influence on you is very much alive,i always have admired mental strength it speaks so much more than physical strength in life, my husband went so suddenly,so often wonder what he would have said,but i know him so well and he would tell me to laugh more,have fun,his personality was very mischievous,so i try to remember that ,when im having a miserable unproductive day,x
I thought I would share a few examples of a man’s perspective that may may make you smile… or despair.
Today I went shopping for some sheets. I hadn’t anticipated so many variations on a theme so I had to ask an assistant what it all meant. Fortunately she was so helpful I could sit an exam on the subject now. I think I’d better write it down before I forget.
A couple of weeks ago I had family over for a meal. They loaded the dishwasher before leaving but didn’t switch it on. I know it sounds pathetic but I didn’t know how to so I took everything out and washed it by hand. I couldn’t find the notes my wife gave me. Fortunately I remember the sequence for the washing machine, although when I asked my daughters what all the other programmes meant they said they hadn’t a clue either.
My nephew gave me a book he had at university about cooking one pot meals for one.
So, onward and upward.
You might have to share some of your recipes Yorkshire Lad… I suspect many of us would like to replace the dreaded ready meal! I think our generation have always had very specific roles within our relationships…certain things which each of us did automatically - without reference to the other - to make the whole work perfectly…it is these little things which exacerbate our aloneness once our mate has gone…we have to learn skills which we never needed before…I have become a dab hand with a screwdriver but the electric drill is beyond me!
Take care x
My lovely husband died 5 weeks ago tomorrow. He was 20 years older than me and had retired whilst at 52 I still work full-time. We were still quite traditional in our roles though, although he did always bring my breakfast up to the bedroom for me to eat, either in bed or whilst I was getting ready for work. We certainly had our own specific roles. I was never allowed to load the dishwasher because I did not do it right. I am surprised he has not struck me down the mess I am making of it now. He always fed the dog and the cat because they liked their food a certain way. They are still eating and drinking so I don’t think they are as fussy as he thought. I was very proud of myself tonight as I actually made a shepherd’s pie, although I cried most of the way through it. My 2 grown up children were at home and I thought I had better feed them something healthy, I think even they are getting fed up with ready meals and pasta, whilst all I tend to eat is cereal. I am certainly going to have to learn new skills, but getting through the day is enough for now xx
Dear Debra
I am so sorry that you have lost your husband…I remember only too well how really awful the early days and weeks were…Nothing I can say will take away the pain but know that you are among friends here and that everyone understands. Take each minute and each hour as they come…then you will manage to move on to days and weeks…somehow you will go on and life will mould itself accordingly. Take care of yourself and listen to your body…I lived on WeetaBix for many months…my thoughts are with you x
Thank you amelie’sgran. I have had an awful day today, loads of tears because it is 5 weeks ago today and there are still lots of what ifs and how can this have all happened in 3 short months. I just miss him so much and at 52 my life seems to loom ahead and I don’t want to go there. Crunchy nut cornflakes is the cereal of choice this week. You take care too xxx
Here’s hoping today may be a little calmer…for what it’s worth I try very hard not to think about the future…at first you get through each minute , then each hour and slowly move on to breathing through the weeks and months. Certain things have to be put on your calendar but try to take each day as it comes…you will find the strength from somewhere and we are all here for you…take care…God bless you x
Thankyou all so much. I have had to smile at some of your words. Please forgive me but you did manage to cheer me up. I too feel as if my husband is looking over my shoulder when I do some of the things he used to do. can’t bring myself to touch his tools as he was so fussy about them. He hated me going anywhere near them, and when I do touch anything that is his I find myself apologising to his photo on the coffee table. It’s said that there is a reason for everything, and I have always believed this but I can’t quite work out what losing my lovely husband who I loved very much will do for me. I don’t want to be ‘needy’ and always been independent so I am waiting for the determination to kick in and give me strength to go on.
Robina my husband also went suddenly and very unexpectedly at the age of 64. I too know that he would want me to be happy. He was very protective of me and did so much for me (which was lovely but in fact has made life more difficult for me now as I grapple with so many things). I know he would be truly upset to see me struggling so much so as time passes I try really hard to be positive and be grateful for all that I still have. Like Yorkshire Lad I feel a bit helpless at times. I’m claustraphobic and hate travelling on crowded transport so my husband drove me everywhere. I can drive and do have a car now since he died but am not confident enough to do more than drive locally - to work/shops etc. These are the things that trip me up still and just make coping without him that much harder. However, I do keep trying to face up to my fears and hope they will get easier in time. xx