New to the bereavement community

Hello, my lovely hubby TM left me on 25 August 2023 at age 53, it was sudden and traumatic undiagnosed medical (heart ?congenital) condition. I am devastated, in disbelief and struggling. I am also so very angry with the lack of diagnosis (prescribed gastro and low dose blood pressure meds) and the events leading up to that day. I did not get to say how much I love him or hold his hand etc. I made so many mistakes and feel responsible as well as terrible guilt, I feel I did not pay sufficient care particularly about the symptoms - thought it was poss a hernia. I am tearful pretty much all the time and scream at night sometimes … I feel there is nothing worthwhile without him, no point to anything, no future. He is my soulmate, best friend ever and I am hopelessly lost without him


I lost my wife in June of last year so I’m pretty certain that we,along with everyone else on here are going through or gone through very much the same agony,the same regrets,the same senseless guilt that is absolutely unjustified but that still we use to increase the pain.
Today has been nothing but tears for me and the reasons why are the things you mention in your post,did we do enough,did they know we loved them,could something we didn’t do have changed the outcome ? and so on and on in this never ending cycle of what feels like absolute insanity.
I think on another day we both know the answers to your questions,no we couldn’t have changed anything and yes they knew how much we loved them. For some unknown reason even through this enormous pain we still want to find something that can make it even worse,right there is the insanity that I mentioned.
My thoughts today were that on Tuesday the 13th June last year we were sitting looking at the sea and enjoying a coffee,Jacky even wrote in her diary how nice it was,how much she enjoyed it. On Tuesday the 20th June just one week later she died. Just as with your husband,the person you love more than any other how are we supposed to understand what happened or why ?
You really do need to let go of the responsibility and the guilt because it isn’t yours,you may feel it is but it isn’t. Everything that you did with your husband down the years,the love you showed him will be what he remembered at some point,you should try to do the same.
Jacky always encouraged me to build a network of friends,reconnect with my rugby mates from years gone by,join this club or that but I never did because like you she was my whole life and I didn’t need anyone else,why would I ? she wasn’t going anywhere so I would make it into a joke and she would say " you’re terrible,you have so much to give others," She was a psychotherapist so she knew what was coming,she even cried and said those words to me one time but now ?? I’m here like you paying this terrible price for having loved someone so precious. I do know how you feel,really I do,and so does everyone else on this forum because none of us wanted this and we are all left with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions with no sense to any of it. Take care,try your best to accept that you/we have to live through the pain because that’s the price of your love,the whole story and not just the last week or two of it.


Such beautiful powerful words from both off you …i lost my huband 31st july 2023 after 40 years together :heart: im gutted …im trying to get on in the garden …better weather…higher nights but so so hard i end up in bed by 6pm wirh the dogs next to where he passed away…bedroom is my beautiful safe place to just lie and try to except what had happened its just so unreal


Your message totally resonates. When I have a rational day, I totally remind myself that the huge amount of pain is only because of the deep love my wife and I had for each other. It’s a hideous side effect of the most beautiful love.


Thank you for your replies, full of tears …


It is a hideous side effect Spence26, I completely agree,it is the absolute and complete opposite of everything that we feel for that one special person.


You are in my thoughts,all of our thoughts,stay safe and try to be strong. I keep reading the pain becomes less but my feeling is that it just changes so hang in there in your safe space.

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The reason I think we all feel this way, is we are afraid of letting them go. Even though the pain and heartbreak hurts so much it feels like the last thread of connection to them was their death. When you accept they have gone and let go they become more distant and slip further away so instead we grip on tight to the end of their life because we know the future will just become memories rather than reality …it’s an awful place to be because we are stuck between present, past and future so we cling on for dear life…the pain is only released when we actually release them and let the love in but at the cost of our loss only to become one day a distant memory…the sands of time…


We have to remind ourselves, it is time that separates us…not love …

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I also lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly from a blood clot and undiagnosed cancer. My husband was 53 as well. I felt the same as you, no chance to say I love you and guilty for not noticing that he was ill and had lost weight. Hopefully in time the guilt will ease those does pop back every so often. Take care and sorry that you have lost your husband xx

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Thank you for your messages xx

I am so sorry for your loss and can resonate with what you are going through. I lost my dearest husband so suddenly and unexpectedly to cardiac arrest while he was at work. I too never had a chance to be with him or hold him in his last moments. I too feel guilty for not having paid enough attention to his symptoms as we both dismissed them as being unfit because of our sedentary life style. These days I have read so many articles that explain the symptoms of potential heart attack then I have realised that if I had read these articles I would have been able to save him. This guilt will stay with me for as long as I live :broken_heart:
Life without my soulmate is so empty and meaningless! He too was my best friend and my everything we were inseparable and I am too so lost without him.
Take care and please know that you are not alone here, everyone is going through the same sad and painful journey so please keep sharing.
Big hugs x


Thank you so much xx