Hi
I lost my husband New Year’s Eve 2023 after a 3 1/2 year fight with bowel cancer.
We lived those 3.5 years to the fullest and I don’t regret a moment, he passed away in the hopice , we were all the him, his pain was managed and he was with us right till the end. We said everything we needed to say and all of this brings us masses of comfort.
We spoke about him passing and I was struggling with anticipatory grief sever months before he passed.
But I am broken along we our 3 kids, I haven’t slept back in our bed yet, I feel guilty doing the most basic of tasks without him. Someone said I am “shopping for pain” as I am missing things that weren’t even things ( if that makes any sense )
His funeral is Friday and i felt guilty that I am looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time.
I’m worried everyone and all the support will dissapear after the funeral too.
We had been together since I was 17 and I’m 48 now so I’ve never actually had to be an adult without him before.
@Jjacko sorry for your loss, I lost mine 4/12/23 and I remember I never ate or drank a thing for the first week and cried when I eventually ate 2 chicken nuggets, I remember crying thinking how dare you eat these when he’s not here! after my better halfs funeral I did notice everyone dwindled away back to their lives and I was left alone, I know this can’t be helped as people have lives etc, however yours might be different, some people have a lot more support than others, I hope Friday goes ok as can be 
@Jjacko Hello and a sad welcome to the forum, so sorry for your loss, we all understand as we’re all here for the same reason. It’s been 14 months for me since the passing of my wife, at the moment I would imagine you will be feeling utterly overwhelmed by emotions, anticipatory grief really doesn’t compare to what we experience after the loss.
As for “shopping for grief” that really did make me stop, I would imagine that that has come from someone who has no experience of losing a partner. Grief will be delivered to your door on repeat purchase, there will be nothing you can do about it. Please don’t feel that there is some kind of acceptable format for the things that you will grieve for, there’s no map, plan or route for the journey you’re starting out on. Grief will come in many forms and each will surprise and baffle you in equal measure, there’s nothing I can really suggest to help other than to keep reaching out on here and talking things through with people who can relate to your experience. One step at a time is all you can do, be kind to yourself and be patient with your emotions, things will come in waves but get further apart. Even after 14 months I still have days where I feel overwhelmed but they are occasional and not so all consuming now, it takes time but it will get easier.
@Jjacko My Husband’s funeral is also this Friday he died on Christmas Eve, like you we were together from a young age - 18 - and that thought crossed my mind the other day that I have spent the whole of my adult life with him it’s so weird isn’t it? When we looked at each other yes we saw the wrinkles and the greying hair but mostly we saw the teenagers we were at the start. Now I’m just a sad 60 year old.
Thank you for your reply
How are you feeling today ?
I think the build up to the first real and then the actual day itself kept me really busy
Yesterday I was tired and still running on adrenaline
So today it’s hit me like a tonne of bricks like I’ve stepped back 3 week again
It’s just breaking my heart all over again