I appreciate positive posts may not be what some of you need or want to hear right now but I promised myself on this awful journey if I could help someone and give them hope for the future I would. Only reason I am on this site now.
I have been where you all are after multiple losses in the same year that I lost my husband. I understand the heartbreak, pain and depth of despair and loneliness and like many I took have been in dark places and ready to give up, couldn’t see a future but I didn’t. Creating a new life is a challenge like no other and takes an awful lot of motivation, effort and strength, going it alone is something none of us imagined we would have to do but we still have to get up, fall, get up again and continue on. It’s called survival. I wanted out of this ongoing misery and I knew only I could help myself. It took a lot of courage and energy I hadn’t got, however, 3 yrs later, I have made new friends, have a totally different life and one I now love and in addition (a bonus) I found someone special to enhance my already happy life (he too has travelled this journey) so understands the pitfalls, emotional triggers, fear of starting over, etc. I wasn’t looking for anyone as I had found myself, that in itself was a huge step forward and all I was hoping for but it’s good to have someone by your side again, even better knowing I survived it alone and now know I can do it again if I had to. I don’t now take anything for granted or depend on anyone. If I can get to this point in life then you all can but you have to want it to get better and put in the effort it takes. Life doesn’t come to us, we have to go and get it. It can mean coming out of your comfort zone, trying things you have never done before or had the opportunity to do. Meeting people, connecting, sharing. It’s like jumping off a cliff but having the faith to believe in yourself and knowing you tried, what is there to lose?. Yes my husband died and my world felt like it ended but life is what you make it and everyone deserves love, joy and happiness, so I hope 2026 is the year you do more than survive, be proud of yourself for how far you have come and go out and find your joy
Thank you for the uplifting post. Am happy for you that you’ve found someone special again, but I could never ever contemplate that. Ray was my world and I’ll never find anyone who can match up to him. I can’t even imagine it. Please don’t think I’m being horrible as I’m not. I know it’s different for everyone. I think the love we shared was so special and I’ll only find that once in my lifetime.
You are lucky to have coped and found someone new. Well done on your efforts to make a new life. If you have any tips that may help someone like me who is new on this journey through grief. I really don’t want to be alone. My partner and I had a lot of separate interests, so I have done lots of things on my own, but the difference is I always had him to come back to and to message and call me when things were difficult. I miss that so much. I hate the emptiness. Please, if you don’t mind telling me, how is your life different now from what you had. I need some help to find myself like you have. I feel I am nothing now and am so needy - I can only cope if I am with others, and not on my own. I am used to going out there and meeting people on my own, but I’m so missing the bond I had with him that nothing is the same. I’m going to try and make the effort, though like you did. Thank you for your post.
In life you expect the death of your parents as the natural order of things but it doesn’t ever enter your mind about your partner dying, (even though we take the vow ‘til death do us part’) so when that becomes reality the shock to the system is traumatic. It also forces us to look at our own mortality as many partners are of a similar age to us and that then raises fear of our own death and or future. Being alone is added trauma. All this turns inwards on ourselves and we realise we lost ‘us’ as well as them. Very scary….. The mind and body can only accept so much trauma, sadness, loneliness, before you gradually and naturally want to ‘heal’. Healing for me is the most important part. If we have a headache or in pain we take a tablet. With the mind and grief we know there is no ‘fix’ so we look for distractions, busyness, wallow in self pity, anything to not truly face what is happening deep within us because that fills us with fear. I had no family, no children so totally alone with my thoughts and emotions so I decided to write a grief journal to express everything I thought and felt , a lot of deep pain came up and I tried to run away from it all, literally to Isle of Wight, came back, I drank too much, I got into situations and connections I wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t able to regulate my emotions. I had cancer too. One day I just down and thought to myself “god Lyn you have gone through so much you must be stronger than you ever imagined” and not many will agree with me on this but I believe you have to heal, grow, learn and evolve from grief and get to know the new you who has surfaced, independent of anyone else. Solitude is what it takes to start with. Learning patience, sitting with all and allowing in, not resisting it. I faced it all and felt like it was a spiritual cleansing of my soul. Everything came out and I felt a sense of calm and happiness I had never known before. I also believe what is meant for you won’t pass you by. I now love my own company, solitude is peace. I choose the people I want to be with, those who don’t want to be with me, I let them go on their way, letting go of the past is freedom to live the future you want. When you reach a place knowing who you are, life begins and the blessings come. My new partner found me literally when I was out on a solo walk and got lost. When you are ready to receive love again and able to give it and be patient with the process of life itself and grounded through growth is when life meets you where you are at. I do hope this helps a bit for you x
As you say we are all so unique and different so I didn’t think anything bad. I once said exactly the same as you, I met my husband age 10….. 55 years. I never envisaged anyone else ever but I didn’t die, he did. I am not the same person anymore. The old me died with him so that love will always remain with him but there is a new version of me that hopefully my heart is capable of loving someone again and receiving love. Of course he can never replace my husband, same as I can’t replace his wife but we can grow and share a new adventure together. I cannot live what’s left of my life without experiencing love again and that’s not just about a relationship, it’s so much more than that
Thank you for your reply. I’ve started a grief journal, too. I’m hoping I am able to be as strong as you. At the moment I am relying on distractions, busyness, meeting up with anyone who is available. I’m afraid I will be looking for someone to replace my partner even though I don’t really want anyone, but just because I don’t want to be alone. I also think I will be running away somewhere. I know I will have to let go of the past to start again, but I really am afraid I will never really find out who I am without him.
Do it all anyway…. it’s the only way you find yourself and become stronger and begin to know what you want, what you don’t want. I have been hurt, disappointed, emotionally overwhelmed the whole lot but this is how you evolve and learn to let go of everything that doesn’t align with you, who you are becoming. Growth is bloody hard work but I refuse to stagnate, I have faced fears, faults, patterns from the past, old wounds, I have learned patience where I previously had none and only by connections with others do you begin to see yourself more clearly as your own person not hiding behind our past and previous spouses. I have dated, (depressing) lol but all these experiences are new to us because we had been wrapped in a safety blanket. I take all opportunities now that I would never have done before because life is an adventure to explore but now I get to choose myself, if it’s not meant for me so be it. I was scared of my emotions but now I am grounded. I like being out of my comfort zone, I’m true to myself and honest with others so I have done my painful homework and now ready to have some fun and sharing it with someone. You have to trust and know what ever happens you can cope with it by yourself. Running away was a pattern I hadn’t realised I was doing but you can never run away from yourself. I want real love and commitment and hiding from it is not the answer. My new partner is steady, consistent and patient and I am beginning to slowly trust my feelings again. He is supportive and says he likes all of me lol well he has to because I have to be my authentic self. The only slight issue longer term is my need for independence as he has to book in advance to see me haha!
You will get to a place where life and people meet you where you are on this journey. Trust the universe and most of all yourself.