New year

It’s 13 months since Ted died. I can’t say passed away, because I don’t think that he has gone anywhere, just died, We met on Christmas Day, 1964 when I was 17 and we married in August 1966. We had been married for over 52 years when he died and Christmas 2018 would have marked 54 years since we met.
Ted died suddenly on 18th December 2018. He collapsed at home and I gave him CPR until the paramedics arrived. They continued trying to save him, but it wasn’t to be.
Somehow it’s been this second Christmas without him that felt so much worse and New Year was unbearable . I feel totally lost without him and still can’t believe this has happened. I feel so guilty that my efforts to save him were to no avail. He hadn’t been well for a couple of days, but we thought he had a virus and I feel that I should have known it was something more serious. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.
Now I have to come to terms with a life without him and I still feel that the future holds nothing for me. I loved him so much.
I have two wonderful sons and two lovely grandchildren, but as much as I love them I still feel there is no future for me.

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Pauline my story is similar to yours, my lifelong partner died suddenly and unexpectedly nearly 2 years ago.
I’m sure he felt ill the week he died but he
didn’ t say anything until it was too late to save him.
Every day is torture and as you can see its 4.30 and again I’m wide awake.
We didn’t have children and now I’m completely alone. I can see no point in being alive at all , it is so painful , I’m not lonely but completely alone.
Losing your other half after so many years is hideous, we belong together.
I know there is nothing I can say to help you.
Sadme

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Been ok last 3days then BAM hit me full pelt again this morning :sob: the black pit has once again engulfed me dragging me down into its depths. Crying non stop going over everything again. The what ifs, the if only’s, the time I spent with mum when I should have been with Colin if only I had known he would be gone 3 weeks after her :cry: I looked after Mum for years, did everything for her and Dad and now I am the one who has been left on her own, devastated and struggling to comprehend it. Every day waking up and remembering just what I have lost :cry: Supposed to be going out with a friend for lunch will force myself or I will just stay in wallowing in self pity which is so destructive.
Hope everyone is having a better day than I am.
V xx

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Felt the need to write this
Was out having a jog (struggling) …anyway…looked at a scar on my arm …reminded me of Sharon…who I lost November last year…
It was an open wound that eventually healed over…however the scar will be there forever till my time comes…grief is like a scar…it does not go away… .but we …hopefully heal as time goes on…but the scar remains …remindinding is of our loved one…
Love to all…
Steve…xx

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I know how you feel…and no words can ease your pain…but please…and I say this to myself…keep talking on this site with others who are going through the same…we love and care about you…
Steve xx

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Perfect analogy Steve :+1:
V xx

Hi everyone. I am replying, even though I am much further along the road than most of you. My gorgeous, wonderful husband Gary, passed away in August 2015 aged 60, and I still miss him. We had been married 41 years. For the first year, I felt I could not breathe, I didn’t want to be here, but with him. We were expecting our first grandchild (a boy born a few months later). I relate to everything that has been said. Christmas or birthdays wasn’t the worst time, but always and still is, New Year hit me hardest. A new year without my beloved soul mate. Everything since his passing is bitter sweet. I have learned to live without Gary, and I’m learning to build a life without him. But every happiness is tinged, because he isn’t here to share it with me. So I have had 3 grandchildren since that time, and I worship the ground they walk on. I tell them about their amazing Grandad Gary who lives in heaven. Everyone here is hurting. We signed up for a life of love with our wonderful partners, many of us saying ‘Till death do us part’. But we didn’t sign up for the reality of it, and unless you experience it, you really cannot appreciate the devastation. People imagine we ‘get over it’. We don’t, we never do. We will always love and miss our departed loved ones. Take each day as it comes, the loneliness and sadness will ease, but is different for each of us. Try to talk to your departed each day, with a happy memory. But a little bit of hope for you all. Since day one, I have talked to Gary, and I know his answers. In the last six months, I have felt happiness and contentment again, and I feel he is at peace too. So now I talk to him and it feels easier somehow. I’m not religious, and didn’t think I had faith, but it’s there helping me. I have a great social life, family and friends, but this is not a substitute for losing somebody, that feeling will never go. Immerse yourself in as much activity as you can, it does help as a distraction, albeit temporarily. Someday you will all smile again, sad memories will turn to happy thoughts. Just give it all the time that you need for this to happen. Do you know what, 5 years nearly, I have my down days, and continual sadness. I have never, not once, let anybody see my grief, they think I am okay. But I would not have changed my life with Gary, and thank my lucky stars we had the life we did. There will never be anyone else for me, I know that.
My love and support to you all
Sue B

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Thank you Sue for putting into words so many thoughts and feelings that I also have about my darling wife (also called Sue) who I lost exactly 2 months today after 27 wonderful years of married life. Totally lost and alone without her. Each day is just an empty shell that I try to fill up with things to do. Night times and mornings are always the worst.

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Hi Anthony, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you will always miss Sue, and you wouldn’t want a time to come when this didn’t happen. Your loss is still raw and in the early days of grief. Just take each day as it comes. You will find eventually, some days are easier to bear, but it will be a while yet. Try to be active, for some of us this is not easy. Friends don’t know what to say, or think we move on. We don’t. Personally, I found I had to most of the running in building a new life without Gary. And if I didn’t talk about my grief, it was easier for others. I don’t know if this is right, but it does work if our friends and family feel okay around us. I can truly say, I only had 1 friend who I could really express my feelings to. I didn’t even tell my children, after all, they had just lost their Dad. I couldn’t put my grief on others. I still find mornings terrible, and as previously mentioned, New Year. I think it’s because we are starting a new day, or a new year without our loved ones. If you work, is there somebody that you can talk to, are you able to just disappear if needs be. Talk to your Sue as often as you can, I promise you, she will answer right back. I wish I could hug each and every one of you on this thread, I can feel your pain, and know the lonliness.
Bless you all, my support and love.
Sue B

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Thank you so much Sue for your lovely supportive email. I am making friends in the village and the local church, plus going to coffee groups etc to help out. Also starting work in a hospice shop as a volunteer next week which h is something Sue would have wanted. However I am conscious i need to not over commit and allow myself time to grieve and remember the many happy times I had with my Sue over the years. You are so right I find it helps when I talk to her every day and I write a journal to her, telling her how I am feeling and missing her. It must have been very very difficult to you losing a husband and father to your little ones. I have 1 friend who has been supportive all the way through the illness and the loss. Those at my previous work have melted away albeit I have parted my employer on good terms and they said I am welcome back, but I am a different (and broken) person to the one they used to know and my heart isnt into it. I think if I can give something back to the hospice, local community groups etc instead it will be more rewarding for everyone. Thank you so much for your lovely message and the hugs. Bless you and everyone else on this site for your support and love. Anthony

Getting a dog had helped me

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