New year

So my husband passed away 9 months ago it was worrying coming up to Christmas how would I cope? To my supprise christmas day and boxing day were bearable but since then I’m not doing so well. Being off work I missed his company. Now there is New year everyone saying it will get better but I’m struggling I feel sick at the thought of having to do a year without my husband I feel like I have gone backwards.

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Hi. Linda. In bereavement there are often big ups and downs. I call this the ‘YO YO’ effect. I see!!! So everyone says now it’s New Year you will be fine. Just because we turn to a new calendar it’s all ok? The only people who would say that are those who have not been where we are. My wife died over 15 months ago and although the pain has eased I still miss her like hell. I doubt that will stop but I am learning to live with it and get some small pleasures in life. Taking it a day at a time has helped. I have tried not to anticipate or look into the future. One thing we have all learned is that life can throw some nasty curves at us when least expected.
If you look ahead as you are now the future will look bleak. But ‘as you are now’!! Emotions can die down. You have not gone backwards. You may be stationary, but that means when you feel stronger, and you will, you can move on again. It may be an anti climax after Christmas that’s set your mood. It often happens that we may feel better then, because of worrying about what might happen, we go down again. It still comes down to a day at a time. There may well come a time when you can look ahead and see some light.
Take care and Blessings.

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hello Linda, my husband Alan passed away suddenly May 2018, our first christmas without him came and went, no christmas tree, no cards etc, I just couldn’t face it, christmas dinner was like a family Sunday lunch with our two grown up children, our daughter’s pug and mine. doing it this way made it bearable. I went to the hotel we both visited every new year for the past 20 years plus, it is my birthday new year’s eve and I was dreading it. I had friends around me and never felt alone, yet felt on my own. they were all very supportive and the only time I was alone was in the room we always had. cutting a long story short, i was glad i did it but it was very hard and i cried gallons as Big Ben chimed. when I arrived home it hit me like a huge boulder, it was now last year he passed, not earlier this year, I was back at square one, it felt like he’d only just passed away. I went through last year as best I could, my health deteriorated, I regained the weight I lost in the months following his passing, I initially slipped back into the hermit existence then started to accept invitations from friends, firstly it was meeting certain friends at lunch time, then I started meeting other friends for an evening out. towards the end of last year I began meeting up with an old friend every Saturday evening, I’d joined the private club Alan used to be a member of, although I never went there when he was alive. I’m not saying last year was easy, which is where you are now, I was still taking baby steps, still crying buckets etc. the really bad days did begin to lessen, the ok days began to increase, never had really brilliant days yet had increased better days.

facing the first anniversaries was still hard, his birthday, then our anniversary (51st, we were fortunate to celebrate our 50th 6 weeks before he passed suddenly) then the anniversary of his passing and his funeral devastated me, I don’t mind admitting, I began to face the 2nd anniversaries.

this past Christmas we did it differently. during last year, the year you are now facing, I realised I can’t continue my life as I knew it as it no longer existed, it wasn’t about living a new life, it was a different life i was now facing, this different life is filled with the memories of my life with Alan (we had been together since i was 15). I started to do and plan things, went to New York with our daughter, went to see some shows too, it was only when I went back to the hotel at New Year that the realisation of this different life actually hit home. I took my mum with me, had a different room, neither of these two changes made any difference, was still there with our friends, sharing a table of 10, yet I still felt on my own, I felt it more on my birthday, joined in with the new year celebrations, wishing people HNY, then it hit me, I can’t do this anymore, I knew I would not visit that hotel again for new year, I can go during the year as I had been there with my sister for a tribute weekend, but new year was with Alan. I realised then that the things Alan and I enjoyed together I could not carry on doing without him in this different life i now have to live, i can still bring the memories with me and can still bring him with me, I believe in the spirit world and know he is always by my side. so coming into this second year without him on the earth plane, i do feel I’ve progressed, I’ve not forgotten him, never will, instill get messages from him, still feel him close by, talk constantly too.

I think what I’m trying to say and demonstrate is that how you are feeling right now will pass eventually, where you are at present will improve in time. we don’t get over grief, we get through it, we live through it, we learn to live with it. there are no quick fixes, there is no time limit. grief is not a textbook, we are all different and we get through it differently, at a different pace. but there is a different life ahead and one you will find when you are ready to live that different life.
I never thought I’d be able to live a life without Alan by my side yet these past 12 months have shown me that I can, he will always be with me in spirit (as I said previously) and forever in my heart, I still shed tears for him and always will. and when you feel you are able to live your different life you shall.

apologies for yet another 'war and peace ’ I truly hope I have been of some help to you, how you feel now is a normal progression

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen ☆

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Hi Linda, I was the same Christmas was ok but the New year was unbearable as we always went out with friends for the bells but this year I stayed in with my wee dog :cry: A new year is always a time for reflection but the thought of starting 2020 without Colin filled me with apprehension and trepidation. I am lucky to have supportive family and friends but it’s not the same is it. Only been 7 weeks for me since my husband had a sudden and unexpected heart attack 3 weeks after my Mum passed :cry: you wonder how you will survive without them but you do. You have done brilliantly getting through the last 9 months :+1: I try to set myself a daily goal but sometimes getting out of bed is an achievement :roll_eyes: as you will probably know. I gave up work to care for mum then Colin retired so we were with eachother 24/7 and although we had different hobbies we always came together every evening and that’s what I miss. Mind you he was a messy bugger so the house has never been so clean these last few weeks but I would give anything to have him back creating his usual carnage :cry:
You are doing so well Linda even if you feel you are not :+1: one day at a time
V xx

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Hi All
I am only 10 weeks down the road and it is awful. I have more bad days than good. I’m just trying to survive one day at a time. It is awful what we are all going through. I wouldnt wish this on anyone. I’ve always thought I was a strong person but this has floored me. I hate crying everyday. What can we do? We have to go on. I know my Husband would’ve hated to see me like this. He always said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was because I was a strong independent person. If only he could see me now. We are all here to support one another and it helps reading everyone’s journey xxx

I feel your sadness. The replies you have had are really what everyone wants to say to you. The reality is that we’re all in a very lonely place with only our own strength and determination to get through each minute, hour, day, week, month, year. I lost my husband in August 2017 and I am having more good spells than I did at first. I had to make a conscious effort not to let myself get too far into my grief. I wanted to feel my husband’s presence and I knew I had to show him I could live the life he had been deprived of. So I try to be content for his sake. It’s hard and sometimes life just sideswiped you and down you go again. Keep positive, be kind to yourself, lots of sleep and don’t miss meals. Ps chocolate helps too. Regards Susan

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Hi. I agree with all that has been said. 16 months now and this Christmas was worse than the last. I feel i’ m only living half a life Bernard would not want me to be so unhappy but can’t seem to move on. Lilypetal…

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When people tell me I should “move on” I ask "move on to what ? some crumby life I would never want ? " because I had what I.wanted and now I’m left with nothing.
Nobody has ever been able to give me an answer!

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Hi. Yes, it feels like that the longer it is, the further away we are from our loved ones. I hate to thing that every day is one more day in the calendar since my husband came home last. I still deep in my heart want to believe that this is temporary and so entering into the second year has become harder, with new anniversaries , more special days and nil sharing events. I can,t tell him that the road has been done, our neighbours moved and now we have new ones, the climate is this or that, my work has been good and bad, the boilers is gone, and our dream holidays postponed.
In time, I hope I can start to understand that his departure is that, a departure to another life and my life is a temporary one. So, we will move forward little by a little very slowly and we are doing it already as we count the days. How? we don’t know we just do it.
Someone say to me that to value my grief i could imagine myself everyday I achieve is like being an athlete entering into a stadium and being cheered by my darling husband and my loved ones, who are watching over me and looking after me. Or, I can continue living being inspired by him, by them, by their dreams and their love for life. ( though i am far from understanding i am trying. it is one step forward and two back, but somehow I have been helped to live with this grief 14 months next Monday and very much loving my dear husband).
Warm wishes to everyone.
xx

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It jas neen 7 weeks since my beautiful Sharon passed away to Cancer…I can honestly say…I did not know what true happiness was until I lost her…
Each day is a struggle…absolutely hated the Christmas and New year periods…But…
this site offers so much hope as we know we are not alone…I too have lovely friends and family…
but…feel so lonely…Sharon would have turned 51 on Christmas eve…
Love and hope to all…
Steve…xxx

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Hi Valerie
I find talking to my husband helps. It helps me to get my grief out instead of keeping it in. I don’t care if people think its a crazy thing to do, if it helps me (and it does) I will keep doing it. Maybe as my grief moves on I will talk to him less and less. I can’t see this happening at the moment. I also try and live in the moment and not let my thoughts run away with me or dwell on sad moments. I picture my husband smiling back at me. I have also asked him, that whens its my time would he come back and collect me? This also help me cope with the grief.

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I do the same. I kiss his photo on my phone screen so many times a day. I say 'good morning ’ and ‘good night’ every day. It’s still very painful and raw. I just hope in time it will get easier. I’ve gone from someone who was always laughing to someone that cries ever day. x

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I know how you feel it’s the most horrible thing bereavement I don’t think we will ever mend but I hope we will be able live with it in time. Crying can help get the grief out it’s better than bottling it up xx

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We just have to soldier on the best way we can. I just take one step at a time. Sometimes forwards and then backwards. It really is the most horrible feeling. I’ve grieved before for family and friends that I have lost but nothing compares to this. x

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I’m same position ,My wife passed on the 4th of Nov.Just before xmas.I am on my own,As my stepson and daughter dont want to know.So am grieving on my own.Mates ask me out .I go but realy isn’t the same.

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Hi Southernx, sorry you find yourself on here but unfortunately we are all in the same boat. My husband was born in Wimbledon and moved to Fife when he met me so pretty much the same as you. Unfortunately I lost him 14th November to a sudden and unexpected heart attack. My step daughter’s are not interested either which actually suits me as I tolerated them because I loved their Dad. You need to keep going out with your mates you can’t lock yourself away as much as we would like to. It’s hard and horrible and devastating :sob: but you will chat to people on here who are going through exactly the same and strangely that will help you. As I always say we are all part of a club we never asked to join
V xx

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I know the feeling!
Everyone were wishing my Son and I a happy New year but we really weren’t interested.
How can it be happy? When we are still both grieving for dad and husband.
Don’t want to sound miserable but this is now second year alone and I have really struggled last 4 days again got a pain in my heart that won’t go away.
I think the first year there’s so much to sort out plus the feeling was numb! So now the second year is here everything has settled down a bit and I am thinking more that my husband is never coming home again.
The worst feeling in the world.
Sending you lots of love and hugs at this difficult time xx

Hi Steve many thanks for posting how you are feeling. I lost my darling wife Sue just 8 weeks ago today, still cant believe she is gone despite being with her in hospital as she slipped away. She was 54 so full of love and life and very active until her final weeks and my absolute rock. Every day has floods of tears and it’s a case of taking each minute, hour and day in baby steps to try and get through from one week to the next. This site has been a big help to know we are not alone, as well as local bereavement support groups and writing a daily journal.

I know I am on a journey but have faith that somewhere above Sue is guiding me and we will eventually be reunited and be able to walk hand in hand once again. Anthony

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Anthony
Really appreciated your kind words…
Baby steps are the thing and also sharing our thoughts on this page…
As always…I am so sorry for you and your dear wife…I…like you…know we’ll eventually be reunited…
Best wishes
Steve x

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Many thanks Steve for your comments with best wishes, Anthony