Here’s my story…
2 of my sons were due to have their first babies, 2 weeks apart, Kai’s and raven daughter was due on the 14th February this year and Cain and Jades son was due on 28th feb. As it happened, Esmae was born on the 13th feb and Jaxon arrived less than 12 hours later in the early hours of the 14th.
I was at Esmae’s birth, they are my first grandchildren.
Then on the 2nd April Esmae was found in the morning purple and unresponsive, ambulance was called and Kai did cpr until they came. Paramedic’s intubated her and worked on her for 40 mins all the way to kings mill hospital but couldn’t bring her back. Because she passed suddenly and at home it was then a criminal investigation, standard procedure apparently but it’s been horrendous to say the least! She was 1 day short of 7 weeks old.
Kai and raven had cops following their every move for the first day and a half, they were interviewed and had bloods taken. They couldn’t go back to the flat until forensics had been in and photographed the “crime scene” and collected evidence. They took ravens clothes she was wearing on the day, baby blankets, bottles, formula milk etc.
Also, they then couldn’t remove the tube from Esmae’s mouth/throat because that too became part of the investigation so we had to cuddle and say goodbye to her without being able to see her beautiful face properly, we saw her everyday for a week until she was taken to Leicester for a post mortem.
One of the days we went to see her in the hospital mortuary Kai went to touch her cheek and the moses basket they’d placed her in collapsed!! 
They promised us castings of her hands and feet and that when we got her back we could see her without the tube and that she would look better because the tube had dented her face etc. we really needed to see her without it, we didn’t want that as a last image.
We didn’t get her back until 3 weeks later and they said they couldn’t get casts as it was too late, gutted!.
We went to see her in the chapel of rest and they’d put a veil over her face, was not told about this, raven pulled the veil down and what we saw was horrific, if they’d had warned us we wouldn’t have gone to see her because now we have a worse image in our heads than the one with her tube in!
Her eyes were black and sunken in, clearly deteriorating, especially her right eye, it looked gone if I’m honest and her nose was flattened. Raven needed to hold her so asked if she could, they said yes so she put the veil back on her face and picked her up. She held her for a few seconds before it became too much and she had to put her back down, when she did the veil had come back off and she had all blood that had come from her mouth and nose so that is our last image of her and I can’t get it out of my head! They said that was normal because she’d been moved but why didn’t they warn us?! I’m so traumatised by the whole thing.
It was obviously never going to be easy but to this scale is just too much!
Esmae was cremated on 31st may, nearly 2 months from when we lost her, have no idea why it’s taken so long, it seems so cruel! We won’t know that cause of death for another few months at least, they said 5-6 months in total!
We got her ashes back last week, broke me, they delivered her in a heart shaped cardboard box which was actually fine but then they placed her in a gift bag, an actual gift bag!! 
I have nightmares most nights and just can’t think about anything else but her, I’m so heartbroken.
The realisation that she’s been gone longer than she was with us hit me for six this week and I didn’t make it into work for 2 days.
I’m enjoying Jaxon when I see him but it’s so hard because everything he learns to do it breaks my heart to know Esmae won’t. I’ll never hear her voice other than the one time I heard her cry, she was such a good baby, so content and thriving! I just don’t understand. I don’t even have a photo of me holding her
xx