Newly widowed

hi all im new on here i have just lost my wonderfull husband of 41 years to heart failure quickly progressing to congestive heart failure he also had end stage kidney failure and was on dialysis 3 days a week for 4 hours each time i feel his care team have let him down as he was going down hill very fast although he was seeing doctors and nurses 3 nights a week not on off them reffered him to a/e for emergency treatment he was a candidate for a pacemaker which he never had as the risks were high and outweighed the benefits i now feel if only he had this he would still be here although the doctors and bereavement at the hospital are telling me the device wouldnt have changed the out come and we would still be in this situation as he was his heart was already dying i feel they are lying to me to make me feel better i am just overwhelmed with so much guilt and blame myself it haunts me this is all i can think about during the day and at night and cant move on from this i am waiting for counselling but i dont feel this would help me as nobody even my family members feel or think the way i feel


Sharon don’t blame yourself we have all done it take care annie lv x x

I’m really sorry about your loss. I lost my Husband in 2016. He had a heart attack in the January and survived. However, the heart was badly damaged and it was so severe he had congestive heart failure. He passed away 10months later as he couldn’t battle the heart failure. He never got the promised pacemaker fitted either when he was still well enough. He’d been taken into hospital at the end, and they said we’ll get the pacemaker in and you’ll have a good couple of years. But by 5 weeks he had been placed on end of life and discharged home. He was supposed to have several weeks on end of life care but he passed away just several hours later. There were 10months to get him a pacemaker. That’s what they said they would do if it became a necessity. They didn’t act when they could have - and yes I felt/feel very distressed about it. I wished I’d tackled the medics but just thought they would do the right thing at the right time. I still think they failed him. And this was the North West specialist heart hospital.
It can’t be known sadly if a pacemaker would have helped for my husband in reality, maybe in the early days, possibly not. But for anyone with a compromised heart, any intervention would carry a risk I assume. Sometimes I think if he had had the pacemaker after the heart attack he’d be in a better position but if it had gone wrong during the procedure I’d still feel guilty but for a different reason. My Husband’s “wiring” as the consultant put it, was fine but the “pump” was broken. I think with congestive heart failure is that things can get too bad very quick. Sadly (in my understanding) the heart can’t fix tissue that has “died”, so what the consultant says to you sounds like it’s coming from facts. I know how hard this feels, “if only’s” and “what if’s” bring a whole separate dimension to the grieving process. We are human and as humans I think it’s natural to go over scenarios that may or not have had a different outcome. It’s a long time since I’ve written about my experience but when I saw you mentioned CHF I just wanted to send my empathy and understanding as someone with experience of the condition and having had similar thoughts.
In time the jagged edges that come with thinking things would/could have been different won’t be as harsh and it will become absorbed more. I feel for you as I can understand what you may be thinking but please do look after yourself. I know you mentioned your family members don’t think the same but that happened with me as well. I think that may come from a place of wanting to help but not knowing how to. Much kindness to you.

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