I lost my darling husband 3 months ago tomorrow, I feel so desperately sad all the time and keep asking if I should have realised how very Ill he was. He had long term health issues including COPD and rheumatoid arthritis but was only really unwell for about 3 months. They say he got an overwhelming infection which ended up with him on a respirator in Intensive Care, he had pneumonia and sepsis. We never got to say goodbye and I just feel hopeless and that I should have done more. Life seems pointless now.
Please please, don’t blame yourself. Don’t forget this is part of the grieving process. Try to look what you have done, what good days you shared. I am sure he would want that too. Sorry, I can’t offer more as I lost my husband age of 44 when our daughter was only 3 months old. This was only 6 months ago, it’s hard, it has been hard and it will be. I am sure with the time it will get more bearable. Lots of love
So sorry to read your post. I was in the same position when my husband died in August 2017. I was with him in emergency care at the hospital for hours when suddenly he went into cardiac arrest and didn’t recover. We had been there for hours under ‘observation’. Afterwards I too felt that I should have demanded more for him. I was in such a depressed state after years of caring that I just wanted someone to do the thinking for me. Does that sound similar to your own personal situation? We can only do what we can at the time. Your love is the best attention you could have given him. He would have known that and words cannot express how important that would have been to him. I used to wonder what the expression 'racked with crowd’s meant. I now know what it feels like. My heart goes out to you that you have to get through this time. It is so destructive. Be good to yourself and reward yourself as often as you can. Take care. Susan
Sorry that should read 'racked with grief ’
That feeling of guilt and asking could I have done more is part of the grieving process, blaming yourself for things where you were not in control is natural.
My partner and soulmate, Rhonda, passed away in the ICU on April 1st. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in February, but developed pneumonia and sepsis towards the end of March. She was intubated on March 23rd and never came off the ventilator. I talked to her constantly and sang to her all day long during those last few days. My partner was a nurse for 30 years, she knew as do all others in the medical profession the last thing to go before someone leaves this life is hearing. If you talked to your husband when he was intubated rest assured you did get to say goodbye, he would have heard every word you said. He knew how sick he was and knew he had to leave.
My partner fought to stay with me and her grown up children, she kept on fighting until I told her it was OK to leave, to do what was best for her.
The hospital asked if they should stop the drugs keeping her heart beating that day and she passed two hours later.
I feel a lot of self blame, why didn’t I notice how sick she was before the cancer became so bad? Why didn’t I make more fuss when her doctors
ignored her symptoms?
Everyone tells me it wasn’t my fault but it doesn’t make those feelings go away, you are going through the same thing, it’s part of the process, I’m sure you did everything you could and should have, your husband knew you did. Even if he was unresponsive on the ventilator he could hear you.
There is no easy answer to dealing with the grief we feel, talk to as many people as will listen to you, let out your feelings, write down your thoughts and keep visiting this site.