Nights are hard aren’t they? I find when the lights are out and tv is off and I am supposed to be settling down for the night my thoughts are louder. Its possibly the time I miss my Dad the most. It’s also the time I start to think about how horrid his siblings were to me as I tried to get the best care for Dad as he battled his terminal illness. I received no emotional or financial support from them and it makes me angry they treated both Dad and I so badly. Then I get even angrier for the fact I put up with it and allowed myself to be bullied and harrassed by them. Then I get angrier still because I don’t want to waste time and energy thinking about them yet here I am unable to sleep and they’re back in my head. I wish there was a successful way to regulate my thoughts
Sorry for you loss and that it has been complicated by soo many negative things. I don’t find going to bed so hard now, it is waking up in the early hours and everything washes over me.
I am trying to stay positive and remember the good and not re play some of the awful things that pop up into my head. A wise friend did say to try and think about the here and now, what can you do today to make it a good day your parent would be proud of. What has been and happened has gone and you can’t change it with any amount of anger. You can embrace it and accept it wasn’t what you wanted and wasn’t nice and acknowledge that and move on.
I know it’s easy to say and not so easy to do. I have a lovely photo of my Mum happy and smiling, I keep it for when dark times set in and know she is still with me in my heart and it is her love that makes it all so hard. Smile that I was so loved by her and try and think about what I will do today for me, because of her.
I hope just braving putting the feeling out there and sharing your anger will help even if only a tiny bit. It can help more to write down all that was wrong and then burn it out side and acknowledge you don’t need it any more! Sounds a bit mad but it does help 
Thank you so much for responding Anna, it means a lot. I’m glad you’re finding the nights better. I don’t find every night bad but last night was definitely a negative one!
You are right of course and I do try to remember the good and happy…it’s like sometimes my head is cursed and it won’t let me! Living in the present is definitely the way to go. It’s just sometimes the past creeps up on me like an overbearing shadow. The anger/resentment I feel towards my horrid aunts and uncles makes me most uncomfortable because although I think I have every right to be angry after their treatment of me I struggle with it because anger is not a pleasant emotion. As you say I can’t change the things they said and did, I just wish I could! I like your idea of writing it all down and destroying it, that sounds quite calming just thinking about it
Sharing here in this lovely community where we all share a loss is very helpful or I have found it so.
Anger is the hardest emotion to deal with but it is often the emotion that comes first in grief.
When my Mum became ill last year she spent time in hospital. She seemed on her last after collapsing with septicaemia and was peaceful. I discussed and agreed treatment should be with drawn and we prepared ourselves. A new medical team came on and I came in to find my Mum
distressed and in agony. She had been taken for a CT scan on a hard XRay trolley with no analgesia and been started on fluids and new drugs. A very young consultant met with me and Mum when I asked to find out what was going on and explained she had a fractured spine but they hadn’t found the cause of the infection it must have been just a bad urine infection as previously thought.
I asked why she had done this against our wishes, which she replied she was sorry for the pain and upset but wanted to be thorough and it would give her a couple more weeks.
My mum was in so much pain and couldn’t move,her kidneys were shut down. She was incontinent and she had Parkinson’s so she would get terrible leg spasms and cry out. She was sent home so I could care for her and so no one else could hurt her. I had to watch her swallow slowly go, her pain and anxiety as she knew she was dying and all she could do was lay and wait! We had her friends over and family came. I washed her hair in bed for her. We would share a gin and tonic but hers was from a syringe. We had some laughs and about soo much but it was awful to watch and the smell was horrid as she leaked faeces. I didn’t sleep for fear of her being in pain and calling out.
I was soo angry for a long time. I was angry I didn’t do more, angry at the doctor, angry I had to go through all of that and angry it is what replays a year on. I also know it’s much easier to be angry because once you are not angry there is only pain and sadness and loss. These are soo much harder to cope with. So be angry as it is part of a process but don’t let it eat you up and stop yourself from moving on. I had to try and just remember I had 82 years with my Mum, not all good but mostly. She loved me soo much and I can’t let her memory a year down the line be just the pain and the suffering as her life was soo much more than that. This was just but a moment and she soo wanted it to end.
I have struggled to move on and now realised you don’t move on you just learn a new way of being. Walking, talking and sharing that does help. It is a lonely journey as only you were there. Stay strong and be kind to yourself. Deal with small things at a time and just allow the anger to come in then let it do with a big breath. No one can hurt you or her now 
I’m so sorry for what you went through, it sounds incredibly traumatic. I completely understand what you mean about anger…I have said to a few friends I’m aware it’s probably easier to be angry than sad, and it is probably some sort of bizarre mental coping mechanism. It doesn’t make it pleasant. My Dad was 69 when he passed and we were so close, spoke every day, regularly had days out and holidays together. I know I am extremely lucky because we probably had more good times in a year than many had in a lifetime. He also wanted it to be over by the end, he told me so. And you’re absolutely right, I can’t see anything hurting him now. One day at a time. I hope you are having more good days than bad.