This is my first time dealing with profound loss. It happened five days ago and was very sudden. There was no lead up aside from him having chest pains the past year and the NHS sending him home with nothing (that’s a whole other issue entirely). My beautiful grandfather gone in the blink of an eye.
I don’t believe I’m coping very well - I suffer with OCD and I believe this is making it hard to not see his face every living second. I’m reading through chats constantly on here to try and distract myself at least a little bit. The only reprieve I get is from sleeping but I can’t sleep when I just see him, the last moment I saw him and every single thing I regret and should have done.
Honestly the saying ‘life without them is scarier than death’ is very true. I can’t see a future without him, I don’t want one without him. It’s so hard to comprehend. I can’t get his face out of my head, videos, reading - nothing works. I know full well that guilt and regret is also a big reason why I’m struggling a lot too.
I know it won’t leave me entirely this grief for the rest of my life - but does it truly truly get better?
I’ve received some really lovely advice on here and it helped me tremendously. I think I’m scrolling and going through a dip again so I’m posting. I don’t really think anyone will look at this so I’m just having a little vent and getting my feelings written out.
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community : I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Im looking at it, and Im sure many others are as well!!
You ask if it can truly get better, the answer is YES!
Eventually, we all have to learn to face forward, and move towards our new futures.
I remember how difficult it is those first horrible days and weeks, we just have to work through them as best we can.
So I might suggest you first contact your GP to see how they might help, or look at the therapy offered on here by Ryder.
You can do this! Good luck!
You’re doing the right thing by letting it out here…
We might not be able to give you answers but we are ‘listening’, and sometimes it’s good to know you’re not alone with your thoughts
No, you are definitely not alone in the battle. It takes time, but with a positive attitude, you will be looking back at your early posts on here and think “I can’t believe how far I’ve come with rebuilding my life”.
As for me, it’s been 28 months, and I’m off to Anglesey for a few days next week to revisit the places where Penny and I had good times. I’ve done it a couple of times before and it was emotional, but happy! 28 months ago, I could have written the same post as you have at the start.
I learnt to look at it as a new chapter in my book of life, probably the last chapter! But I’m the author, I have the pen, and I am determined it will have as happy an ending as it can possibly have .
Good luck, Choccy.
@tykey N’s been gone 9 months, I never thought I’d survive!
I’ve visited places where we’d been together and enjoyed the memories. I’ve been to a couple of places we’d planned to visit, and struggled a little but I’ve also done things and visited places he had absolutely no interest in, building back my own life.
Can’t deny it’s been tough and I miss him every day but I’m determined to carry on living. I owe him that… there is still hope, moments of happiness and plans to fulfill
I think that’s what I need to focus on - that these feelings will not be as intense forever. And like you with time I’ll be able to revisit the places my grandad loved but look on it positively. And Penny is such a beautiful name!
After 2 years, the heartache is gone, and I can think of all the good times we had and can smile again. It’s taken lots of positive effort, but its worth it.
Im back in our favourite place, Anglesey, for a short stay in a shepherds hut. We never stayed here, but Penny would have loved it. Im just sat outside, its remote and thats what I like. Nature is doing its thing around me, loads of rooks are shouting, a huge flock of goldfinches are flying back and forth. One of her little poochon dogs is on my knee the other is at my feet!
All is pretty good with my world, again. Not as it was, but well worth having.
Ill never forget those early days, weeks and months. I really felt there was no point in life, but bit by bit, and with a plan to work to, Ive got here.
You’ve got the chance of rebuilding your life how you want it to be. “As it was” isnt an option, so try to look forward. We can look forward, without ever forgetting the past.
So, even in the darkest days, believe there really is a future to be grasped.
My biggest problem is deciding where to go for a spot of brunch. Then Ill take the dogs onto one of the many lovely beaches, where I can sit on a rock and talk to Penny, who I know will have a huge smile as they go berserk playing in the sand.
Hi again @S_Diva . Reading back through the posts on this thread. Your progress appears just like mine.
I mentioned a plan, which might help you.
I just sat down and wrote down how I would like the rest of my life to be in the future.
It had things in it like:
Where would I live?
Would I be interested in relationships, romance or friends?
Finance?
Hobbies and interests?
Cars?
Vacations?
Etc etc.
It was.like writing the plot of the next chapter of my life.
I didnt get everything right first time and as soon as I realised it wasnt right, I changed it a bit.
But it gave me structure to guide me through the next hour, day,week or month. It also helped me to recognised what I was doing wasnt helpful
@tykey
I’m very conscious about how much my life has changed in the last 9 months but I’ve also taken the time to look at my life before N came into it.
There are plans I had back then, that became ‘our’ plans, as we negotiated our way through our joint life, so they’re still very much on the ‘to do’ list, and some of his plans need to be fulfilled… I owe that to us both.
There are things he said, and things he asked me to do, before he died, kind of setting the scene for me and my future and I will always be thankful for that.
I know I don’t need to feel guilty for still being here, for having happy moments and being with friends who make me laugh- he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, and if it had been the other way round, I’d have wanted the same for him.
We have to go on, although I completely understand how difficult it is.
There were days when I couldn’t see a way through, when the lure of sleeping tablets or a bottle of gin tugged at me… there didn’t seem to be much point being here.
… and yet here I am, with things to do, places to go, people to meet… and not one of those things detracts from how much I love and miss him every day!
And I do like a plan, as long as it’s fluid!
I think I’ve asked myself all those same questions… found some answers, changed some answers, and I will carry on living my life, knowing I have been and always will be loved.
As an aside… I was in Anglesey a few weeks ago, it was one of the places we were going to visit together… it was beautiful, I’ve been before but he hadn’t so I had a little chat with him on the beach, told him what he was missing and how amazing our friends had been
Grief is very different for everyone. I lost mum in march she was nearly 90 but it was still sudden. Don’t think grief goes away but changes and prehaps becomes easier to live with - at east i hope so! Take care. I’ve found this group really helpful.
: I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
