I lost my mum last November, grief didn’t hit me until a few weeks ago. Up until then you wouldn’t have thought I’d suffered a bereavement. This shocked me as mum and I were so close, not a week went by without talking to her on the phonevand in the last few years after her stroke and dementia stole her speech, we would have weekly video “chats” arranged with my sister who lived a few doors away from her, which she loved. I live 600 odd miles away. Watching her smile and giggle when she was being naughty was something I will never forget
Then grief hit, and hit like a steamroller. I can’t stop crying, I feel dead inside, I miss seeing her, I miss feeling her warm hands and kissing her softly face. I miss her so much the pain is killing me. I just want and need a hug but the one person who you would think could do that, won’t.
My husband is definitely autistic and has his own mental health struggles and a good few years back told me he didn’t want to be intimate with me or anyone anymore. Okay, I can live with that, it’s not like we’re teenagers but my husband is 10 years younger than me, im 58. So now he tells me I’m making everyone (him, as we live alone) miserable and that i need to get a handle on it as its affecting his work.
I just need him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay eventually just like mum would but he says he can’t do that as the thought of touching another human being makes him feel sick.
I am spending the first anniversary of mum’s death with my sister at the end of the month but what do I do in the meantime?
I’m already on a concoction of medication such as gabapentin, Duloxetine and diazepam for nerve pain (fibromyalgia) and had been on antidepressants for 30 years before that. The Duloxetine was doing ok for my mental health so that seems to covered. My GP is aware of my depression and has been all along and I see or speak to him two or three times a month.
I feel I’m living in a loveless marriage although I know he loves me but how much more can we lose before I may as well not be here.
I gave birth to 3 daughters who are all over 30 with families of their own but I only have contact with the youngest, the other two have made it very clear they want nothing to do with me. They both came to the funeral but not with me. I had no one at the funeral apart from my sister and her family who were amazing in just looking after both their mother and me. My husband couldn’t go with me as we have animals that need attending to.
What do I do? I’m currently sitting in my car as I have been for three hours, i don’t want to go home as he will still be pissed off with me and start it all over again.
I need to feel my mums arms around me and smell her skin, hear her shushing me because nothing was that bad. But this time it is that bad , I can’t feel her arms or hear her comfort me and I won’t ever again.
Sorry this is long and probably sounds very selfish but I just don’t know what to do. I live on a very rural island and we just don’t have the services available like on the mainland