I recently had my mother’s funeral and it was a very sad and painful experience. She died in hospital under palliative care due to the complicating health issues she had. I had been taking care of her for years, but she slowly got worse in the last months of her life. Two different diseases. She had to take medicine for both of them.
Losing her was a real shock to my life. She was also a friend of mine, not just a mother. We shared so much in common. Now, I feel this missing piece of my life that I can’t fill. I wish I could talk to her again. I wish I could have another conversation.
However, my friends and family (in general) have been somewhat supportive, but most of them have given me patronising help. Down-talk. I believe it is because who I am grieving for, and my role as a relatively young man (45). They simply don’t have time for my depression, sadness, my stories, or anything. All they want to hear is happy things. So what they do, they try to make me feel better, by telling me to man up, or words to that effect.
I find myself unable to fully express my emotions, and I am unable to find the time or the space to grieve fully. I have to keep a straight face in front of neighbours, my father and my charm-acting brother. I have to be careful what music I play, what films I watch, in case they think my “mental-health” issues are getting worse. It is all very patronising.
I am tired of people saying that I need to man up. Or develop my character. Well, I am still feeling very sad inside, with lots of anxiety, although I choose not to show it to anyone.
I’m so sorry for your loss Gerarde and that some people are not being very considerate of your feelings. How you’re feeling is totally normal. You’ve lost your Mum and also your close friend. People saying to man up just shows their ignorance. Have you tried writing in a diary to your mum? I sadly lost my Mum, who was my best friend, 2 weeks ago. I’ve been writing short messages each day to tell her what’s going on. I feel it is helping me by keeping that close bond alive. Do also keep using this forum and sharing how you feel. There are lots of people on here who unfortunately understand exactly how you feel.
Thank you for reaching out to me. I write in a diary everyday. I write to her and I write my thoughts. It helps, like you say, keeping a connection alive. I also do other things like buy a small pot of flowers, photos. I also light candles. I keep distracted in the day too with the news.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss too. 2 weeks is very close. I understand what you’re feeling too. I enjoy writing on here as there are unfortunately, as you say, people who share our grief. Thank you for your kind message.
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your Mum and your best friend Gerarde. It’s so hard to deal with, especially if she was your friend as well. I lost my lovely Mum a month ago and it was her funeral last week and I’m struggling without her. I too have found that others seem to lose interest after a while and think that you should be getting over it but they don’t understand at all do they? It’s a place to be I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I’ve also begun a journal just writing down what I’m doing and what I’m feeling but it’s just not the same as talking to her and hearing what she thinks. We can only hope that things will get a little more bearable over time
Reading all the messages on this thread ring so true.
I lost my Mum in February this year.
I thought I was dealing with everything emotionally in an ok manner- ish…
But recently I’ve been very upset again.
I just find it so hard I’m not going to see & speak to her.
Like all the messages in this feed about loosing a mum who was also a friend , I feel so much for you all.
I’m finding that grief gets even more lonely as time goes on.
As friends don’t check up on you & I guess they just feel you should just be getting on with everything as normal.
But the normal of getting on is just so different.
The massive lose of not having a mum around just leaves me feeling so lost.
I feel strangely empty.
I didn’t think that loosing Mum would feel this way.
I feel so lucky to have had a mum who was also a great pal.
She bought my brother & I up to be independent strong people & I really appreciate her doing this.
I never relied on mum for everything but she would always be there if needed.
My brother & I are close.
But both of us are very different emotionally.
We are on very different grief journeys.
He’s always been a bit of an ostrich if you know what I mean?..Putting his head in the sand and the coming up for air and wanting everything to be right again.
He lives abroad & I have supported our dad as I’m the one who geographically closest…That’s just the way it is….
Hey hoe.
It’s good to see on this thread that people share their grief.
It’s sl so different for us all.
I wish I wasn’t here writing this , but I am & think it dose help a bit.
I’m going to stop rambling on now.
To all that have written on this thread , I hear what you say & thank you.
So sorry to hear that over time it is getting harder. I’m in the very early days (3 weeks) but already feel that the passing of time makes the pain worse. Every day that passes is another day since I’ve seen her. This new normal is anything but normal - it’s a strange world that I don’t recognise and don’t want to be a part of. I want the old normal back but of course that can’t happen. My brother seems to be more accepting of what’s happened and able to carry on. I know everyone is different but it’s hard when even your family don’t understand exactly how you feel. What can we do though? Life carries on and we need to try and make the best of it like our Mum’s would want.
