My beautiful brave lady went to sleep with the angels 5 days ago on the 19th December. I’d been here carer for the past two years, 24/7 as she battled cancer. Finally her body was just too weak and broken to carry on and she slipped peacefully away in my arms, free from pain at last. I’m just lost now. I feel so incredibly lonely and alone. I’ve got no purpose in life anymore. I’ve got nothing to do anymore. Just don’t know what to do now. Don’t want to be here anymore, I really, really don’t. Just want to be with my darling Tess. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I can’t stop the dark thoughts and feelings. Need the pain to go away… Can’t face life or the future without her, but I know I have to. Just don’t know how…
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@Legoman
I’m so, so sorry. It is so soon after it for you and it is absolutely normal to feel as you do. If you read around on the forum you will see your feelings echoed by many. But somehow moment by moment we get through.
I cared for my husband through a long illness and I never thought about afterwards even though I knew it would come. It still throws you into total shock, numbness and despair. I felt a complete void of purpose in life as I had been devoted for years to keeping him alive. But the strength you found to care for her will now get you through the next weeks and months.
Keep posting, we are all here to support each other.
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Thank you xx
Hi Legoman
I’m so sorry to hear about Tess. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really low and lost. Please know there is help out there, you don’t have to do this alone.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you’re feeling with us. It is very normal for people who are grieving to feel a bit lost and not know where to start.
We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving, and it is often about wanting the person who has died back or life to go back to how we know it. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
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If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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You can call 111 and choose the mental health option to speak to a trained mental health professional (England, Scotland and Wales only)
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Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
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Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
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You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
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Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care, Rhi
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Hello Legoman I am so very sorry for your loss. My beloved husband died in July and I can honestly say that what you are feeling is totally normal. Your physical and mental pain is something we can all identify with here and you are still struggling with the shock. I also wanted to be with my husband but as the weeks and months have passed I’m in a much better place emotionally and life for me is worth living. Everything will take time but it’s going to be baby steps for now and getting through each day as it comes. My thoughts are with you. Take care.X
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Dear @Legoman
I’m so sorry.
As the others have said, your feelings are totally normal. There are too many of us who feel exactly the same.
I know it doesn’t make it any easier but just know we understand.
I cared for my husband for almost 8 years, the last 3 or 4, 24/7.
Like you I felt/still do totally useless and that my life was totally meaningless .
My whole purpose was to look after him… And I’m totally lost now
Love hugs and strength to you
Dear @Sarie
Totally with you. I too cared for my husband for 8 years.
Never ever thought about him not being here. Even in the look at week when he was recieving end of life care from nurses at home.
My whole purpose was to keep him alive.
I feel so lost all the time ( over 2 years for me now)
I make it my whole aim in life to continue to keep him ‘alive’ in peoples thoughts.
I talk about him lots , and write his name on all cards still . And I always will.
It’s the only thing that keeps me going.
I won’t let him be forgotten ever.
Love hugs and strength to you
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I can totally relate to how you feel. I wanted to end it and felt my life had no purpose but 4 years on I’m still here although the pain is still there each day when I wake up. You say you don’t know what to do and i think most of us feel like that but be kind to yourself. You have had a massive trauma and not only have you lost your loved one but you have lost yourself as well. When you are able it may help to go to a bereavement support group to meet like minded people with whom you can share your thoughts with. It’s hard to go first time but it was helpful to know others were in same situation and to find out how others cope.
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Could be a good idea because even though it’s still very, very raw and fresh and I really don’t know where my head’s at right now, one thing I do know is I can’t carry on like this. Xx
Hi Cathphil so sorry for your loss, like you I cared for my husband for 4 years; he passed away 9 months ago and I am really struggling to find any meaning in my life now it all seems so pointless, I have a good family and friends but nothing takes this pain away x
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Is it daft that I’m sending my wife WhatsApp messages every evening, just as I did every night when she was in hospital, telling her about my day and everything…? It really helps me… I know it’s only going from my phone to hers which is sat next to me, but somehow this helps. Or am I just going mad…?
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do whatever you need to do to get through. You’re not harming anyone and you’re not going mad. You are dealing with a tremendous loss. People don’t understand if they have not been through this and each loss is different. The loss of a parent is different to the loss of a spouse which in turn is different to the loss of a child. Your loss is unique to you. I would get upset when I tried to talk to people about how i felt only to be told -" yes I know" when they clearly didnt. This is why a support group might help because you can express how you feel without being judged. Your Gp may know of one or churches also have them and you don’t have to be a member of the church.
You will find some peace but these things take time so do whatever you need to to give you some comfort.
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@Legoman You’re not going mad, you’re doing exactly what you need to do right now, which is keeping a connection.
It’s no different to writing a letter, a journal or talking out loud.
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Your not going mad and if it helps you to cope, i send my husband text messages and say good morning and goodnight to him every single day and always will, sending all my love to you
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