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So this has happened a few times now and I’m really just posting it to let go of the anger.

I’m increasingly aware that I have become an obligation to people. A responsibility. I truly appreciate their kindness and love whatever the motivation - I have no idea what I’d do without it.

Some people are right here in my life and determined not to run away. They are amazing.

Some people message me now and again and we have a wee back and forth. Again lovely and supportive.

Then there are some who I haven’t seen since the funeral 11months ago, every few months send that text …‘sorry I’ve been a bad friend/sister (yup) etc. I know I haven’t been in touch but I have been thinking about you and you know I’m always here if you want to chat’. I always reply something along the lines of ‘Good to hear from you/thanks for thinking of me/ that’s very kind then How are you and the family?’

I routinely get absolutely nothing in reply.

I get it. They don’t want to have to deal with this but why not reply to say they’re fine? Are they worried that I would then phone them for that ‘chat’? Do they really think THEY are who I’d pick now to pour my heart out to? ? I have been so tempted in anger to reply that I absolve them of any duty they feel and to go live their life. It would be easier if the pretence was over and they just didn’t bother, because every time it reminds me that it’s another thing I have lost. Then I think they are doing their best and I really don’t want to become that bitter old crow.

So rant over. I’m pretty sure there will be a time limit to any feeling of obligation and we can just drift off on our own paths accepting that relationship has gone.

Xxx

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Hi - I totally get what you are saying & feel. Below is a comment I recently posted on another thread.

My faith in humanity is sadly just about gone now due to friends effectively just dropping me since my darling husband died. Friends who we knew & socialised with for years just disappeared, if I bump into them they cannot wait to get away from me. I am so fragile still that I think that they do not like me, & were only friends with us because of him. I have been in some very dark places, but I would never ever ring any of them now. Even family members have disappointed me, comments like “I know how you feel” - no you don’t, you still have your husband. My sister even commented “it is not easy for me you know” when I got upset one day, she divorced her husband - he is still alive!!! Some days I feel very lonely. As well as totally disillusioned with people.

I don’t think that people can handle our grief and that is not our fault, but we are the ones who are penalised by their behaviour. I often think that if the boot was on the other foot I am sure that I would not have behaved the way they have behaved towards me. To be honest I would be ashamed to behave the way some of my so called friends have behaved towards me.

And I totally understand & get your rant. I have wanted to actually rant like this to friends, but have not.

Take care, Alison xx

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Thank you @warriner21.
I have always known I was the less popular of the double act :slight_smile: and to be honest these relationships were weak before. Ranting won’t make them stronger and it will only make me feel awful so I have my stock of polite answers to hand!

Before I lost my amazing husband I had no idea what this was like so how can I expect others to? Thank goodness for resources like this where we can share.

Despite all this and my default cynicism, I know people are good and kind, and so many have been wonderful. I should not focus on those who haven’t. It’s all down to my unrealitistic expectation. And no one will fill that gap though will they?

Sending you lots of love. Xx

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Hi Stillhiswife - I know there are some lovely kind, good people out there, but I am just jaded & disillusioned by the people who I thought were friends. Part of me is a bit bitter too, but I forge forward.

You do not have unrealistic expectations, we just expect people to behave the way we would behave.

And you are right no one will fill that gap, not ever for me. I had the love of my life for 32 years, there is nobody else out there for me. He will be with me again when I die, I will find him again. And I truly believe that.

And this is the best resource I have found, before I found it I honestly thought I was going mad. I had counselling, but this place is better by far. To see that other people understand and feel the same as me is in a way heart warming, as well as sad.

You take care too. xx

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And all the ones who said “anything you need, just ask” they are invisible now. I was much more important entertaining and sought out when i was a bank. Just existing now. Never seen or spoke to another human being for 3 days, i am just a person who gets & sends texts messages. Ive started switching off my phone, if they dont want me i dont want them. I’ll do it alone. Why did my love have to die, i cant suffer this pain its just too hard

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@Stillhiswife I think tbh grief wheedles out the fakes & flakes in terms of friends. I don’t have time for either. If the relationship is too one sided & you’re the one constantly doing the messaging with little to no response, that’s the time to let it go. You’re right tho, some people have been amazing during this difficult time & kindness has come from unexpected quarters.

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Well im a yorkshire lass and i would just reply … after their none reply … dont bother yourself and have a nice life ! We are like that here … tend to say it how it is :slight_smile: xxx

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I blocked 4 of my family members because they couldnt even be bothered to see how i was coping after the funeral ! I thought sod you ! If they cant help me i cant help you ! How people dare ignore me after his funeral is beyond me !! I never heard of anything so heartless in my life !!!

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