No sense

Losing a child
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21st July 2024 my life changed and this unimaginable life began. The silent scream that no-one hears never leaves me, i scream in anger and crippling sadness in this new life without you. I want to blame some-one for taking you away and leaving me here and feeling like ive failed you. I feel lost and afraid. My existence has changed and i am no longer part of our life, our times and things i took for granted are gone, the silent scream remains unheard.
I try so hard to be logical but i am blinded, i cant imagine that one day my life will be any less painful than it is today. Its a treadmill that never stops, you watch your old life slipping away but can never step off yet it reminds of such loss of a life that has gone.
I am no longer the person i once was, I’m fractured and broken, angry that you died on my watch, alone. Navigating this storm is treacherous, the challenge to face reality seems impossible because my reality is just wanting to tell the world to “fuck off”. Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day. Lets hope tomorrow i can shower.

The shower was a success, a tiny victory for my silent struggle James.
My life if now a before and after experience . I am a million miles away from the person that i once was. I feel wounded, I’ve lost my cub, my life has betrayed me .
I don’t know how to start rebuilding myself when part of me is missing , i feel totally detached from everyone else’s reality and find comfort in my isolation. Each new day reminds me of loss. Time is a big word that everyone refers to. I have no sense of time . Time is minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. Time I have spent without you.
I sit in a world of unanswered questions yet seek no answers, it wont bring you back or ease my burden of guilt, i should have been there. I pray every day that you didn’t suffer and i am haunted every day that you did. Sorry will never be enough.

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You are not alone in your pain. There are so many of us here feeling the same, even though we are unable to express it as eloquently as you. Thinking of you. Xxxx

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I feel such sadness for everyone walking this unbearable path yet you alI give me strength when i don’t have any. I will never be able to explain my loss to others. They don’t understand my new world and I don’t understand theirs. A crossroads we parted yet I have been unable to leave. A road without bravery and strength . Days I feel like giving up to make the pain stop. I wake everyday with James as my first thought, a connection to him, some make me smile, most make me sad. A sadness I cant describe. A selfishness for others pain that I cant accommodate . His beautiful friends still contact me , I’m so grateful for that.
I understand that people are not comfortable talking about grief, it’s a locked door and no one wants the key to open it. I think that people believe that I am strong and they are helping to fill the void in my heart. Its just not true. I am unique to this journey and following a script that is only mine to write. We live in a world that doesn’t understand grief, its taboo and untouchable. Loved ones hope its an illness that we will recover from so they can have their life back. It’s a path that they must walk without me.

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