No understanding

Why doesn’t my daughter in law understand how I am feeling. We have three sons this is the wife of the eldest son. She thinks it worse for her husband to lose his Dad than it is for me to lose my husband. She still has her parents , I have lost both my parents & yes it is terrible but the pain I am feeling just can’t compare.
Our youngest son is in Hospital in Spain because he has had a nervous breakdown so I am out of my mind he isn’t well enough to fly home. She has no sympathy & told me offf for bothering her husband when he has a family to worry about. I am so hurt I have forgiven her but can’t understand how she can be so unkind & uncaring.
Just had to get it off my chest.
Thanks for reading this
Unhappy x

Hi unhappy I am sorry for your lost I had a similar conversation . Losing a parent is simply that losing a parent, I am nor demeaning it in anyway I have suffered 6 losses in this last year in my father and 5 months ago my hubby so I can identify. Losing a parent is hard but they are one thing to you a parent and you are used to seeing them in one place but a wife hubby partner if you are lucky they are your world your rock your lover your friend your partner in crime your sounding board and so much more and you see them everywhere you go places you have been . I know people will disagree but hey ho.mi don’t think your daughter in law was being nasty just protecting your son after all he’s her hubby and until she loses him( not for many years I hope). she can’t fully understand .

Thank you Silver lady I know she is protecting her husband really glad she cares so much. Hope you are doing ok it’s tough isn’t it ?

Yes losing my husband is the hardest thing that I have had to bear and truth be known I had the focus of the funeral at first after that I became super busy accepting any invitation because I knew that if I stopped my dark thought of only wanting to be with him would surface, then I thought about the things we had planned or wanted/needed to do and made a list (nothing big) example new patio needed doing lavenders needed pulling out. I had the family round more this helped with their acceptance that Dad/grandad wasn’t there and we all worked on his list we still are. It’s getting easier my 9year old grandaughter summed it up when she said Nannie grandad would be so proud of what we have done. He would have, I sat down with my 32year old son because he was trying to be so brave and practical for me his grief became secondary, until Father’s Day in. DIY shed and the machine beeping reminded him of the hospital he lost it. We talked and now have a better understanding of each other’s grief. Take care. X

Dear Silverlady
Thankyou for your lovely reply. Like you I accept every invitation I get so as not to bother my family. I have many things I need to do but had it pointed out to me that my children have their own lives to live & I shouldn’t expect them to do things for me which I honestly understand but it’s hard . I find it difficult to entertain in our home as my husband isn’t here so only one of my sons comes to visit me. I have two young grandsons & I know they would love to come & stay but they are both autistic & one is non verbal & the other one talks so much I find that difficult too. I am really down at the moment & worried about our youngest son as he is going through a breakdown & is away at the moment .
Today is going to be challenging but I must stay strong & try & keep busy but having not slept all I really want to do is sleep.

Unhappy like you I have outside pressures mainly people trying to get me to sort out things hubbies things etc I call it passive pushing . I was until recently living on 2hours sleep a night. I would like to wave a magic wand for you but life isn’t a fairytale if it was we wouldn’t be on this forum. Things need to settle down unfortunately our realities aren’t the same anymore it’s a struggle to think or find a future without our loved one. I had to get rid of my husbands chair because all I could do was imagine him sitting in it and family are avoiding sitting on it but I felt almost relief when it had gone and it was causing me pain. Take one step at a time you and your family need time to adapt and change I turned down a break with my grandaughter because I wasn’t strong enough yet but I will be and so will you. It’s early days yet for you. Regarding your son the only way that you can help is by giving him a strong base to come back to medical staff will be helping him so just be there for him when you are both stronger. Everyday is a challenge but you can cope you just have to remember you are a stronger person then you think. Everyday I play the songs from hubbies funeral because we loved the songs but I started to associate them with sadness but by doing this I am now loving the songs again because of the happy memories do I cry hell yes do I dance to them hell yes! Remember nothing you are feeling or experiencing is unique to you (not patronising) that’s the good thing that means you can reach out on here and people will step forward for you. X

Hi Silverlady thank you so much. I understand what you are saying. I know I will be ok , I would never give in I am a fighter . I will be phoning our son at 6 30 & once I have spoken with him I will hopefully be reassured hearing his voice.
thank you once again for your friendship it means so much. I sometimes feel sorry for myself . I am very fortunate I do have a family whilst others are all alone but I don’t have him & I really can’t look forward to my life without him. I will pull myself together cos I must.
I feel very sad for you that people are trying to force you into things, only we know when the time is right.
Anyway take care & look after yourself I am sure I will feel so much better once I have spoken to our son. I just wish I wasn’t on my own hubby would have cuddled me & reassured me but as you say hey ho !! I must get on with it tomorrow is another day .

I’m smiling reading your reply, i miss my rock too but you will surprise yourself, days will be dark days will be easier than others but thru it all you will be you just gotta pick yourself up. Your son will be happy to hear your voice I wish him well. Here if you need, me I’m building always do when stressed, how many sheds does a girl need, ! Take care x