Does anyone else feel like… in the run-up to your loved one’s funeral, there are messages, phone calls, texts/WhatsApps, cards, etc… & then 2 months later there’s a radio silence?
I get that other people’s lives have moved on. Mine has not. And whilst I appear functional - because I am working, going to art class, & so on - there are moments when I am very, very low. Not only that but I still don’t have the emotional capacity I would normally have - & friends are beginning to share their problems with me & as much as I love them… I can’t take on any more at the moment. And on top of them not asking about how I’m doing… eh. Maybe I am just selfish and horrible for wanting other people to ask how I am doing. Idk.
@yadoking So sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean and understand how you feel. The support was there for me as well leading up to my husband’s funeral. Post funeral family and supposed friends have not been in contact with me in any shape or form. The few that do get in touch keep telling me I am doing well. I am not doing well. My life is shattered, my heart is broken, I miss my husband terribly, the loneliness because I miss his company. They don’t understand. Just a message to ask how I am would be nice.
You are not being selfish for not wanting to hear about other people’s problems. You are still grieving and it is you that needs the support. This is the reason I post in this forum and I so grateful that I found this community whose support is unconditional and non judgemental. Everyone here understands what we are going through.
Take care of yourself, give yourself time to grieve and keep posting here.
Sending you love and hugs. x
Hi @yadoking yes, what you say completely resonates with me. I’m working, doing all the usual domestic chores so on the surface it looks like I’m fine. I texted a good friend and mentioned I was struggling with my grief and she didn’t even mention it in her reply! Sometimes I feel like everyone has forgotten about me… Best wishes xx
@StarGate I am so sorry for your loss. Losing anyone is awful but a husband must be extremely painful.
I didn’t know my friend was going to dump all her goings-on onto me… it took me by surprise. But at that point I didn’t feel I could disengage the conversation because she is going through something difficult, too. Then I was told off by my partner for being upset that she hadn’t asked me how I was doing because she had asked me before. He told me I was self-sabotaging & would never be happy if I had these unrealistic expectations. He is very fortunate - he has never lost anyone super close to him. I really do feel there is a gaping void between those of us who have lost someone close to us & those who haven’t. The pain is far beyond what I ever imagined it could be.
If you ever want to share stories about your husband, I’d love to listen. Personally I hsve found it comforting to talk about Gran/Dad.
@Rosiepink Yes!! This! I am getting things done because they need to be done. And I am lucky enough to like my job. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a mess inside. I am finding that people who have lost someone close are a bit better at being sympathetic than those who are lucky enough to have not lost anyone close before. I am not sure if that holds true for you.
I also want to extend my condolences for your loss, & the feeling of not being listened to. I’ve found grief a very lonely experience & a lack of messaging really doesn’t help (especially when this is one of the things all the mental health & grief support charities say to do to help a friend who has lost someone). It is not easy.
Yes i completely feel this way. People checked in with me when my Grandad (who was like a dad to me) died. Once the funeral finished this all stopped and i feel like i should be okay but im just not. He died in September after 10 months on palliative care. I feel like i lost massive part of me. Xxx
@yadoking thank you. I agree, grief is a lonely experience. Even my two sons rarely check to see how I am really feeling. I think there’s an assumption that I must be okay, or perhaps they don’t want to acknowledge my pain. Losing my Mum definitely impacted me hugely. Sending you condolences too, grief is such a struggle…xx
@yadoking You are right. Nobody knows how you feel when you lose someone close to you unless they have experienced it as well. Grief is very hard to copewith and live through. My husband Tony and I were together for 46and a hlf years and married for 40 years. We celebrated our 40th anniversary in July and I lost him in September unexpectedly after 4 days in hospital (8 weeks ago). He bought me a ruby and diamond ring to mark our 40th wedding anniversary and I will cherish and wear this along with my wedding and engagement rings. He was my whole world and the pain of his loss is unberable. He was a vey kind and gentle man with a wicked sense of humour, loved to travel. We had a happy loving marriage and the 40 years we didn’t have many arguments and if we did, we never let the sun set without apologising and making up. We did everything together. I find mornings, evening and especially weekends lonely and unbearable. Weekends were our time together because we are not working and can do whatever we liked.
I miss him terribly - not being able to talk to him, see him smile, kiss him or hug him. I miss his hugs, putting his arms around me and telling me that everything will be ok.
I am in tears writing this.
I hope that in time the pain eases for all of us.
Take care. Sending you love and hugs. x
@StarGate what a lovely tribute to your husband. It sounds like he was a wonderful man, so sorry for your loss. You must have some incredible memories. Sending you condolences, take care xx
@Rosiepink Thank you for your condolences. Yes, Tony was a wonderful man. I was very lucky to have spent so many years with him and yes, I do have lots of memories of him. I think that’s why I miss him so much because our plans for more memories were snatched away from us. It’s incredibly hard to accept that I will never see him until we meet again.
Take care. Sending love and hugs to you. x
@Gymlover I am so sorry for your loss. It seems like our stories are similar - Grandads who, for whatever reason, became Dads to us. My Gran/Dad died in September, too, it was 2 months yesterday.
I echo that feeling of being lost. Although Grandad was unable to guide me in the way he had before the Alzheimer’s & Vascular Dementia deteriorated him too much, I feel like my main man, my cheerleader, my number one fan and supporter, the one man in my life who didn’t leave or abandon or reject has gone & that’s HUGE.
@StarGate Wow. I can feel how deeply your love runs for Tony in your words. He sounds like a wonderful man, truly. I suppose there is that feeling of ‘I am so lucky to have had him’ & also anger/grief at the loss of having him fot longer & maybe even irritation if people suggest that it should have been enough (the time that you did have together). Because it will never be enough. I hear you.
@yadoking Thank you. Yes, you have understood how I feel whe people tell me that I should be grateful that I had Tony for all these years. x
Like you, I get so sick of people telling me, just be grateful you had such wonderful memories!! That doesn’t help.
Even worse is the “you’ll get over it in time” - I won’t, nor do I want to.
Lastly, the idiot who told me I was young enough to meet someone else. I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE.
@Wifey1 I have been told the same things as you - “you’ll get over it in time”, young enough to meet someone else. You are right that we are sick of hearing it. I will never get over losing my Tony. He was my soulmate, he was my other half which made me whole and complete and my beloved. I will not get over losing him and I am not looking for anyone else. I was happy with my life and I will always be married to him and be his wife. I will always love him and the pain of losing him will always be there. I ignore all these idiotic comments now as I do not feel that they are supporting me, just saying meaningless unhelpful words they read somewhere with no real experience of losing someone close to them.
Take care. x
@Wifey1 I am so sorry that you have to hear people saying such things. I am sure they think they are saying “the right thing” because maybe they’ve heard it on TV but when you think about it (even for 1 second)… of course you don’t want to hear that. Of course you are blessed to have had the time you did, but you had plans for so much more - & deserved so much more. Why would you want to do those things with someone else??
I think these people haven’t experienced a big loss themselves. I have noticed that people who have gone through it seem to better understand than those who have not. They don’t rely on canned responses and offer the truth of the matter, whilst still being caring.
I am sorry for your loss and I can relate to the way you are feeling. This world we live in expects us to just “get over it” and applies this to every aspect of life. It becomes especially painful when we experience the loss of a spouse or life partner, as well as a parent or sibling. Any loss is a loss and everyone experiences a different degree of grief that has many levels that can change by the minute at times. The feelings you have are valid as are any feelings a person has and unfortunately we as a society across many cultures have sanitized the experience of death so that many people are terrified to look at it even touch the body of a person they knew and cared about when they were alive. Not long ago when death came, the family was not caught by surprise and if it was a sudden event they would have an opportunity to grieve and support each other. Funerals were typically held at home or at church or in a chapel, the body would be prepared by the family, and often an illness would have given some warning of the imminent death to come. Now it’s an entire industry that has become a corporate entity that puts profit over people. At least when the funeral homes were run by a family in the community they would be known and show real compassion. We do not prepare for a death in most circumstances so the friends and family who are there in the immediate time after are helping with things needed and offers of support. When the funeral is over the silence comes most often, I believe due to fear of bringing sad memories to those closest to the departed individual and the awkward feelings when they don’t know what to say. No one teaches us that it’s ok to mention that person and share memories with others and it falls on us to reach out when we are feeling the loss and grieving the hardest and that is ok to do as well. If there is any person making you feel wrong for this then I’d say they probably were not a true friend. It is a difficult landscape to navigate to say the least. You at least have found this site and we may not be able to respond in the moment but know that there are many here that feel exactly as you are and might have answers that will help with navigating this new normal.
Yes, you are still very young and there are a lot more you would find out about societies everywhere in general. And it happened for me when I lost my soulmate husband of decades. It was radio silence all along…For those fortunate, family and friends still care and may be still around. I believe they simply cannot feel the depth of pain and despair we are going through (this is especially true for the widowed). And they really do not want to be dragged down by our grief and depression, hence the disappearing act…
Hi @yadoking .
Its a difficult situation which the vast majority of us face. We (I did anyway) want people to care, we want the opportunity to just talk to somebody who will listen, but we dont want advice. Its difficult for them as well, because, being kind and thoughtful, they want to ease our pain. Sadly, the only people who can ease our pain is ourselves.
I was very lucky, because I had a gang of pals who just sat and listened, and only gave opinions when it was clear I wanted them
For the others, I worked very hard at forgiveness. Not for their benefit, but for mine! I didnt want to carry around hurtful negative thoughts to go along with everything I was going through. I tried to be kind to myself. They meant no harm.
I christened my small gang of friends my “rainy day people”. Thats after a lovely song by Gordon Lightfoot, which Ive learnt to play on my guitar, and often just sit and play it to myself.
Here’s that song.