Nobody to be ‘me’ with

It’s almost 21 months since I lost my lovely husband. Been married over 48 years and together for 52. He was 70. I’m trying hard to get on with life - but am having an operation in a couple of weeks and just feel there is nobody just to be ‘me’ with. Family are good - but don’t burden them with my fears and worries. Wish so much he was here to talk to me in his calm and loving way and to look after me when I come home. It’s so hard doing this life on our own - only we that have been through this understand. My sister and friends who still have their husbands do not have a clue how difficult it is.


Dear BarbM,

I am so sorry for your loss.
How I can identify with your words… I lost my husband of 47 years, having loved him for fifty years, sixteen months ago and have had to go through a hip replacement op. six months ago… Not having Gordon here to talk to and have reassurance from has been doubly hard…
Friends have been marvellous, but ……
I have felt that he has been with me throughout, and I do so hope that you get through your op. smoothly and that your physical recovery is swift…
All best wishes.


Morning Barb, I know where you’re coming from when you say It’s so hard doing this on our own… I am a little longer than you losing my lovely husband and like you been married for 48 years and he was 69.
5 months after he passed away I went into hospital and had my 2 arthritic knees replaced at the same time and I so longed for Pete to be there with me. anyway it was successful, I only wish that he could have seen how well I walk now.
It’s amazing where the inner strength comes from when we need it, perhaps it comes from them in some strange way!!!
My thoughts are with you.
Love Jenny x


Hello Barb

I lost my husband,Ian, suddenly over 13 months ago, and just like you, I feel there is nobody. ‘to be me’ with.
I have supportive a family but sometimes I feel I am just putting on an act for their sake. I usually do what they want to do rather than what Ian and I would have done.
Ian was the only person I could totally relax with and share my thoughts and feelings. We were together for over forty years.
All that has gone now and I just don’t know how to live a life without that one special person in it.
I hope your operation goes well and I do so understand you feeling that you just wish your husband was there to support you.

Best wishes

Julie x

PS Other people do not have a clue what we are going through unless they have been through it themselves. After 13 months, I get the feeling that most people think I should be over it by now. Little do they know or understand….,


Thankyou for your kind reply -mine is hip replacement too. It’s good to know you got through it - well done. I need to toughen up and not feel so sorry for myself. I know others have to go through the same thing and lots worse thing too. Nice to know others understand.

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Thanks Julie for your empathy - I’m sorry we are all in this sad state on this site. I don’t think we will ever get over our losses - just get better at covering up our true feelings to make our family and friends feel better and think we are coping.

Thankyou Jenny for your supportive words. I’m pleased your knee operations were a success. I know other folks go through all sorts of difficult times without their partner. I’ll just have to get on with it like you. I know it will improve things for me in the long run. Had a few other things gone wrong this week - must be feeling sorry for myself. Will ‘man’ up and put a brave face on like I have learnt to do.

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Totally understand what you are saying. I so miss that special person who knew me like no other. My husband died in sept also aged 70, I’m 10 years younger and I do worry about being ill and being on my own.
Hope your op and recovery goes well. My sister had a hip replacement 5 weeks ago and she is doing well, walking with one crutch now.
Take care xx


@BarbM, I know too well that feeling of not being able to be the real ‘me’ any longer. To my kids I’m just their mother, to my parents I’m just their daughter, but the real ‘me’, that being who, from a ‘girl’, became a mature woman, a wife and mother and built my whole life around my husband, our kids, our home, our everything, I am what am I am thanks to his love, have, or rather ‘had’ become a better person thanks to his love, gained confidence in myself, became responsible, opened my eyes to the world, overcoming whatever obstacle came along, thanks to his love, and now it’s all gone. Every hurdle has become insurmountable, or so much harder to jump over. Do you know that song "Because you loved me’ sung by Celine Dion? , well, I resonate with every single word.


The sad thing is they will never know how we feel until it happens to them. You can’t feel another’s pain. I used to say sorry for your loss and then I would breeze off into my own carefree life. It does not remotely cover it now that I am here living that nightmare that so many others are in. I pray for us all each night x