Not able to grieve

I lost my dear Mum last week. My Dad had memory difficulties and is struggling. All sounds pretty usual so far.
There is a spanner in the works, as a child my father was physically and mentally abusive to me. I know have to care for him. He remains mentally abusive, he tells me his grief is far worse than mine, he never asks how I am, I have been expected to arrange the whole funeral alone. He won’t get involved , says his grief is too bad. Then he expects to be with me every day because he says he’s lonely and when I do spend time with him he is horrible to me.
I have three brothers one lives in the other side of the world, one doesn’t engage at all and one is super helpful but lives 300 miles away.
I haven’t even begun to grieve, I don’t even know how to find the space.

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Dear Kat5,

I am sorry that you are finding yourself in such a difficult situation, Losing your mum is so hard. It is a life-changing event. You need love and support to deal with this loss, both practically and emotionally, but it sounds like the only support you are getting at the moment is from your brother who lives 300 miles away. Do you have any good friends who can be there for you?
It is admirable that despite the history of abuse, you still care about your dad and want to be there for him, even though he does not seem to show much appreciation. When I read your post, I was thinking what I would do if I were in your situation. I think I would decide on setting some clear boundaries. You have your own family, and your own grief, and you will need time for yourself too.I would not let his expectations dictate what you do. Yes, of course he needs support and company, but does he need to get that from you each and every day? Is he able to manage daily tasks on his own or does he need help? Are there things he just needs reminding of, and could this be done through phonecalls? Are your children old enough and able to help maybe with running some errands for him?
It sounds like he is hiding behind grief to let you do all the funeral arrangements. In my opinion that is not fair on you. He should want to be involved, as it is his wife who has died. My mum was grief stricken when my dad died, and we helped her as much as possible, but made sure she was included in all the decisions. If you have a funeral director, maybe you can have a quiee word with him or her and he or she could try to get your dad involved?
If your dad needs help with daily tasks, maybe you can talk with his GP or your GP to find out what help is available? Or, depending on his age, you could maybe contact organisations such as Age UK?
If your dad is horrible to you, are you able to stand up for yourself and let him know that he cannot treat you ike that? His grief is no excuse for bad behaviour towards you.
I hope that you find reading other people’s posts and replies on this site helpful and that you will find the space you need to grieve the loss of your dear mum.