Not at peace

A lot of people say to me and notice on some of the chat forum that people say he/ their partners are at peace and at a better place now. I just can’t accept my lovely hard working husband who died suddenly at the age of 53 is at peace and in a better place. He definitely would rather be with his family and I can’t see him being at peace as would be upset and angry that he was taken to soon. Maybe I’m still in denial and can’t accept that he has gone. I know I hate my new life which I was not prepared for. :cry:


My OH is definitely not in a “better place” either. He was happy, fit and had so many places we wanted to see. He worked hard on our home to make it perfect for us and it was. We were very lucky in so many ways and we both knew that, then he died suddenly. Still can’t get my head around it, it was just so senseless.

I hope he is indeed in a “better place” and that I’ll see him again one day but I don’t particularly believe there’s anything after this so I just see him as gone. I feel he should have had a good twenty years left in him yet and his death was just so flaming senseless :broken_heart::sob:


I agree with you @LostLil that both our partners/husbands death are senseless and cruel. We could of had another 25/30 years. All our future plans and dreams are gone. Life so unfair and cruel. Like you I was not prepared for this new life and have no closure. I hope you are having lots of support. I am having councelling and hope to join a support group soon. Just filling time really xx


My partner was 49 and lived a full and fun life which was cut way to short. My struggle is not knowing what’s next, where is he, is he ok, as I also said at the beginning that he would have been so pissed off that he was taken early. He believed when you die there is nothing, he didn’t believe there was anything after.
For me, it’s the not knowing and unfortunately I won’t know until it’s my turn.

Death is awful, unfair and cruel.


Hi @Hazal.1966, @LostLil and @Ali29, I feel exactly the same. I lost my partner 9 weeks ago very suddenly, I’m not sure if he is in a better place or not, I don’t know if he believed in that sort of thing, I think he might have done. The strange thing is that the day he passed was 20 years to the day that his mother had passed so now I’m not sure. My partner was happy, we were going to get married after being together for 28 years, he was fit (well we thought he was) and we had so many plans, places to visit and things that we wanted to do. I still can’t get my head around it (i.e. why did it have to happen now), I thought we had another 10 or 20 years but no. I would like to think that my partner would rather be here by my side. I too don’t like the new life that I did not want and was in no way prepared for, despite there being people around me I still feel lost and alone, like I’m just existing and somehow fumbling through x.


I think people mean well but they are annoying. A old friend of my husbands phoned me to say he came through to a medium he went to. He told me some of the stuff that the medium had apparently said, some of it sounded as if it could have some truth but I’m a skeptic and I wasn’t there, so not sure how much info this friend gave the medium.

Then the friend messaged me to say he feels so much better from seeing the medium and how my husband is better on the other side working from there to help us here, than he would have been by staying. My husband took his own life too. So I was so annoyed thinking “how the hell can he be better off there, how is he helping anyone by not being here?”

I wouldn’t feel sorry for the ones who’ve passed, as they are gone, they are now none the wiser, but I do think you have the right to feel angry at the injustice of it all. Of course they should still be here.


I desperately want to believe I’ll see him and all my family who have passed again but I can’t help but think God and the afterlife were things people said all them years ago to keep people in check and to try and stop them doing bad things. Like maybe the Easter bunny and Santa were to keep kids well behaved and God and the afterlife for adults.

Like Ali said we won’t know until it’s our turn and even then if there is absolutely nothing after this then we won’t know either way because we won’t even have any recollection of being alive in the first place :pensive:


@LostLil @Kat1984 @Ali29 @LonelyLady Just read all your posts and I’m so glad someone has voiced this - the phrase better place enrages me. My Pete would want to be here with me and our family. I dont understand why he went so suddenly and probably never will. Why didnt he get to retire and enjoy time together after working hard all his life? I never fully understood how hard it is for others to talk to someone grieving so I suppose we have to be understanding when thy say these things.


When my mind starts going over his death I think to myself he’s either gone forever and doesn’t even know he’s ever existed or he’s in a “better place” so whatever the situation he’s probably not going to be angry or annoyed now.
I’m angry and annoyed that he missed out on so much of his life though because he worked so bloody hard while he was here. Then I think to myself if I died today would I really care about how hard we worked in life? I won’t care when I’m gone and I’ll either be none the wiser that I ever existed or I’ll be in a better place and either way I’m not going to be sitting around angry at the world for cutting my time short.

I just wish we knew what exactly happens after death :tired_face:

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Yes just a couple of years after retirement is all my OH ever wanted. He always said he wanted to retire at 55 but who knows what would have happened. Five years after retirement would have given him chance to travel and go to the places he wanted to visit. I’m gutted he didn’t get that :broken_heart:


People say the most inappropriate things at times when they really don’t know what to say and should probably say nothing. People have said things both to me and indirectly via friends that have done nothing to ease the pain and whilst I’m so grateful for the friends & family (& folks on here) who do understand what it’s like. I know that there’ll always be someone who chips in when I’d rather they didn’t. Sometimes a hard ‘Paddington Bear’ stare does the trick.


If you have ever watched someone die of cancer and other horrendous diseases where they have suffered, in pain, not being able to function then yes they are at peace from all that suffering and many of those people are also young. Death is awful but for many it is a release.
I lost my partner suddenly, no warning, no symptoms only 62 massive heart attack but I was also told if he survived he would have had brain damage, I know which my partner would have preferred. I also believe that people say they are at peace to also try to comfort us so I personally find that a positive a d doesn’t annoy me in the slightest because they mean well


I think the thing that annoyed me was when the friend said he’s now working for the other side. It sounds bloody ridiculous. How can he be working from there?

Also if there is a heaven etc, why do we have to do all this first? I mean most of us lead pretty boring lives so I don’t get why we have to do all this first.

Also if you don’t get reincarnated and they say they are the same in the afterlife as they were in life, won’t it be boring being around for infinity? I mean you can’t die as you’re already dead! :see_no_evil::rofl: my head if I think too deeply drives me insane.

I’m like you though. I used to have faith in it all now I’m so skeptical as it all sounds crazy when you break it down. I keep some faith otherwise I’d go insane thinking this is all for nothing and I won’t see anyone I love again.

As you say our loved ones are either gone for good and don’t know, or are in a better place, so no I don’t feel sorry for them.


It does all sound crazy :rofl:
I’m not going to lie some of the things I’ve heard other people say have been so crazy I’ve burst out laughing :see_no_evil:

So many people say they keep faith because “there has to be something”
There doesn’t “have to be” but I would love nothing more than to be reunited with my grandparents, mam and OH.

I threw myself into convincing myself there was something more immediately after my OH died. I’d never thought about it when I lost anyone else but the loss of my partner was so much greater than any other loss I’ve ever experienced that I just couldn’t let myself think that he was gone forever :broken_heart:
I still hope more than anything in the world that we’ll be reunited again but I don’t think we will :sob:


I had a friend say to me the other day (7 wks after Jim died), you have to move on with your life now Lyn and I didn’t take offence because she’s absolutely right, I can’t change or undo what has happened, I can torture myself with how unfair it all is, wish it was all so different, go over everything driving my self crazy but it won’t change the outcome. I am fortunate to still be here so I can either sink or swim and I intend to swim in the hope that one day I can enjoy what is left of my life and count my blessings that I had my soulmate in my life at all. I am grieving just like everyone else is but it is our reaction to grief that determines how we will get through it


Someone I know who is in her early fifties said to me the other day to keep talking to him and to be fair I do talk to him because it makes me feel better not because I think he can hear me. She was then saying you’ll see him again, definitely.
Then she started going on about how her and her bf who she has only been with for one year and her were “twin flames” and that they had known eachother in a previous life :roll_eyes::see_no_evil: I wonder if she’d take that back if they split up in the near future :thinking:


Part of me thinks, we didn’t deserve this, we are the ones left behind. We don’t even know how many years we have. I’m 38 I terrified myself thinking I could live another 50 + years. My Nan died at 92. I always used to want to live as long as possible as I was terrified of dying, but as you say my husband was my life. So I don’t want to live a really long life now, this is sad as I still have my kids.

Lyn- people do say daft stuff. As soon as my husband died, within a few weeks the amount of people who told me I could get remarried again was shocking.

The thought of being with anyone else seems alien, I was with my husband since i was 17. However 50 years is a long time to be alone. I do think if there is no afterlife you may as well move on etc. Then I keep thinking if there is one and he can see everything I do, he will see me be with a new husband etc. Then my head gets fried about who I’ll end up with in the afterlife. I’d want to be with my husband as I believe he was my soul mate, anyone else would just be trying to fill the gap.


I’m glad I’m not the only one who has had people tell them stupid things by way of trying to be a comfort!
My partner was 57 and died suddenly at work. He was not ready to die and is not better off. I do hope he is at peace if we do go “somewhere “ else and I do know that he would not have wanted to have survived and been dependent on anyone.
The amount of people after the funeral who told me that now I could move on was ridiculous. Im now week 12. I tried to take it that they meant I could now focus on building a new life, not move on from my partner but even so they could phrase things better!!
I don’t think anyone understands unless they go through this type of loss. None of us are going to move on, as in forget our loved ones. We are all just trying to work out this new life we have been left with, and how we can live it without them by our side :heart:


@doughtyj Your last paragraph - so true.


Just wish there was an easy answer to how you do this instead of this awful path we’re all on