My mum was not just my mum, but my best friend, my support, my help, my whole world. She was also my only blood relative.
She’s been gone for almost 18 months now. Yet to me her loss is as painful now as it was back then. I feel so damn alone, so lost, so scared, so sad.
I do suffer with mental health issues, I have done for over half of my life. I don’t like my life, I don’t know who I am anymore. I get panic attacks for ridiculous reasons. I struggle with daily tasks. I am not even sure I want to be here anymore. I just want my mom. My grief is all consuming. I don’t know what to do.
Any kind words will be greatly appreciated right now. Because I just don’t see any light. 
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Hi @MowgliGirl82,
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling her loss as painfully now as it was at first, and you are struggling to find a way through.
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you’re feeling with us. It is very normal for people who are grieving to feel a bit lost and not know where to start.
We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving, and it is often about wanting the person who has died back or life to go back to how we know it. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
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If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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You can call 111 and choose the mental health option to speak to a trained mental health professional (England, Scotland and Wales only)
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Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
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Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
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You can find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
I also just wanted to share our support page on the physical symptoms of grief with you - perhaps it may comfort you a little bit to know that these feelings of panic are normal, and you are not alone.
Mind have some advice on coping with anxiety and panic, which might be helpful right now.
You deserve care and support so please, @MowgliGirl82, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Alex
Hey,
I lost my mom 6months ago and she was my best friend as well. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world, and I’ve struggled with not knowing if I want to be here as well. But the fact you have done 18 months is incredible, and it gives me a little bit of hope.
It’s so hard to find the right words in this situation but I know your mum would be so proud of you and she would want you to live on for her. The only thing that’s helping me at the moment is thinking about things I can do in memory of my mom - for example a woman I know makes candles and she made about 500 pink (her favourite colour) candles labelled with my mothers name and we sold them all! I have a trillion ideas of more things to do for my mom, I suggest you think of something like that too xx
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mine is gone now for some years. I still cannot believe I have no parents. they were the best to me and I lost my best friends. counseling helped me a lot. it is hard being without your dearest loves. especially as the world grows colder still. 
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Just wanted to say that you’re not alone. I lost my father, but I can relate so much and I’m sorry for your pain. I think it’s harder for us who have struggled with mental health issues in our lives to find a path forward after a loss and I’m nowhere near that myself, I’m scrambling for purchase but there is none. I wish I had some advice, but I do understand. Sending hugs. 
Thank you all, for the kind responses. It has helped me. In a way.
I’m one for trying to understand everything. Yet the one thing I cannot understand is how I had my mum for 42 years, and now she’s just gone.
I’m not silly, well I don’t think I am, I know about death and dying, and I knew about her dementia etc.
I knew she was going to leave us, and when she did I said goodbye. Several times. I kiss her urn every night to say I love you. She’s inside the urn, well her ashes are.
But I cannot get my head around her just being ‘gone’ why can’t I talk to her? See her? Give her a hug? Why is my heart so broken? And will I ever feel like myself (when she was alive) again?
It doesn’t make sense to me, that my brain doesn’t seem to handle her being gone?
Am I going insane?
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Of course you’re not going insane. We all have trouble understanding it and I think it’s because it’s inexplicable. It doesn’t make sense and so we can’t make sense of it. Science and religion try to answer the question, but we don’t really know, not what death is or what happens afterwards. Also, when it’s a parent, we have never known a world without them in it, so it isn’t strange that we struggle.
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I’m with you on that. It is just so confusing that she was there one minute and gone the next.
We were extremely close, in each others pockets almost. When the dementia took hold our roles reversed I became her carer and support almost.
As we were the only blood relatives left, now there is just me I feel so damn alone.
All I want in the world is the one thing I cannot have. My mum.
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I know. It must be very hard when you don’t have any other relatives too. Not that they always are helpful when grieving, but at least it’s a connection.
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The hardest part with family members on my step dad’s side, is the “I don’t know what to say to you” speech. I’ve had that quite a lot. I often want to scream “then don’t say anything” in return. But I’m not like that.
They mean well.
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actually, it is a time of insanity. one does go insane. if this is not a reason for insanity what is.
I did go insane when my father died. it was for a few minutes and ended. and I said to myself, “this is what insanity is.”
it is catastrophic … but Time moves you on and one day it is a decade later. I have lost both and I was a loving only child.
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