Not coping at all

I lost my husband totally unexpectedly five weeks ago. He was taken to A&E put on an Assessment ward overnight but before the doctors could see him the next morning he had a cardiac arrest. and died in critical care. John always kept things to himself and didn’t tell me he was unwell but I feel so guilty that I didn’t realise and look after him better. If I’d got him to hospital earlier he might still be here - it’s my fault he died. We retired to Lancashire only eighteen months ago and John was so happy here - we’d planned a long happy retirement, we did everything together now I have nothing to live for. I have no children or relatives - I feel so alone. John was such a gentle man, creative, singer and musician, children’s entertainer for thirty five years in the South o f England - he gave so much pleasure and fun to the world . I’ve completely fallen apart and I’m lost without him.

Samantha, I am so sorry you have lost your lovely husband. Your story pretty much mirrors mine, it is the shock of this happening so unexpectedly and suddenly, you are on auto pilot and in disbelief & cant comprehend that this has happened. You will feel like your world has ended & you just want to be back with John. Every one of us on here have been where you are just now & we all know how you are feeling and the unfairness of it all. It was not your fault John died so please don’t think that. My Hubby was the same and always played things down as well, its a man thing and no one to blame. It has been 19 weeks for me & I can not believe I am still here and getting up every morning. I still have terribly dark days when I cry non stop but I also have days when I am stronger & can cope. The people on here are so supportive and always there to listen to you, it has been my saviour. Like John my Husband Colin was fine then he said ‘I don’t feel that well’ and went downhill pretty quickly so he was admitted to Hospital for an MRI scan but on the morning he was due to have it he also took a cardiac arrest & they tried to bring him back but it was not to be. He was 67 and like you we had such plans for our retirement which have all been snatched away. I had been my Mums carer for years then I lost her three weeks before Colin so a double whammy. I have no children either but I am lucky to have amazing friends & family who have helped me so much. John sounds like he was a fabulous guy, why is it always the good ones who get taken. This lockdown does not help either as you feel isolated enough. I don’t know what to say to you except take it an hour at a time, do what you need to do to get through the day. Keep posting on here and vent your feelings we are all here for you.
Sending you a big hug
V xx

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MrsColt
Thanks for your kind and understanding words. I was strong for the first few weeks but now all the important things have been dealt with and there’s time on my hands I’ve completely gone to pieces. Yesterday and today full of tears, guilt and regrets. This site will be a saviour because I’ve found although people sympathise only other widows can really understand. Wish I’d asked how more things in the house work. I don 't want to be 72 and all alone.

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You are spot on Samantha, the first few weeks we have things to plan and arrange & sort out then once that has been done we are truly alone with our thoughts and loneliness. It takes a bit of getting used to and it is very early days for you. Yes no one can really understand how you feel unless they have been through it themselves. My friends are great but I find myself getting angry when they moan about their husbands especially just now when they are isolated with them I just say ‘At least you still have your husband’ that makes them feel bad :wink:
I think we all wish we had asked a bit more about where the stop cock is and how do you set the timer on the boiler but we never ever envisioned that we would be left alone did we. This is the first time in 60 years I have lived on my own so its either sink or swim & at the moment I am floundering a bit but this forum has been my lifebelt.

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hi Samantha
very sorry for the loss of your partner John.
so many of us on this site can empathise with your situation,weve all felt and are feeling the pains and heartache of losing the other half of our selves.nothing anyone can say will ease that pain running through your whole body.we can give you a bit of comfort and support and are here to listen to what ever you need to say.its something no one can prepare for and you only know once its happened to you how devastating it is.
please dont blame your self,it wont help you in the long run.
have you got any friends who could give you a bit of support ,
this virus going around and the lockdown isnt helping either,but you know if you read posts around this wonderful forum that there are many caring individuals who will be here to listen and talk when you need it.
its still the very early days for you,sadly there is no quick fix and things that give a bit of relief to some dont for others ,hopefully you will find ways to cope a little.im very sorry I cannot ease your heartache,
please just reach out when you need a bit of help we are all here for each other.sorry if ive offended you in any way .
regards ian

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Hello Jianye
Thank you for your patient message. I’m so glad I found this forum - to know others appreciate the pain is comforting. I do have friends who try to give support on the telephone but most can’t really understand how i’m feeling. After thirty five years of music and laughter the world has fallen apart and talking through tears is hard . I tried hard this morning to be normal put the makeup on but it’s all washed away now. Why has lifebeenso unfair to me.

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Hi
I was ok the first 2 months and then i started getting panic attacks and was afraid to go out.My husband lost his battle with cancer 5 months ago.I too wished i had asked how everything works in the house.I didnt want to ask him as i wanted to give him hope his life would be extended

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Just had phone call from a ‘friend’ who had known John and I for years telling me all how hard it is for her daughter (whose husband is a city banker) to lose all her freelance work, No concern for how I might be feeling or words of sympathy or the thought that I might just want to talk about John. How can someone be so insensitive - in tears again now.

Hi Samantha,
So sorry to hear about your John. It seems when all the formalities are over it hits us all like a tonne of bricks doesn’t it? I feel the same at the moment, this lockdown makes it worse. Hopefully we’ll start to feel better sooner rather than later.
I too am in Lancashire (but like you, not a native!).
Sending you love and hugs,
Clare

Hello Clare
It’s been six weeks today so not an easy day. Certainly keeping busy for the first few weeks blurs things and only now does what has happened sink in. John was so proud to become a Lancashire Lad. Wonder if we are in the area - I’m in Rossendale. Thank you for the love and hugs they really help in this lockdown.
Samantha

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