He is dying. H was diagnosed a year and a half ago. It was terminal. Now he is going down hill fast.
I’m just not coping. I have no strength left. I just want to curl up in a ball and not wake up anymore. I live on my own and just sit here sobbing not knowing what to do. I feel so lonely and the pain is just so bad.
15 years together and it will be wrenched from me.I honestly have no hope left. No good feelings about anything. I can’t keep the facade that I’m coping for much longer. I really just hate my life and want it all to end. I know I sound selfish but I can’t tell anyone how miserable I am. It’s not right is it? I should be strog for him but I can’t be anymore.
Hi Maximus,
I have just read yr post and my Heart goes out to you. It reminds me of what I have been through and going through and want to stress to you that how you are feeling although absolutely awful it is in someway normal ( I use that word normal but hate that word also as what is normal?! It’s just I’m struggling to find the right better word at the as I’m so tired) but I wanted to send you a post as noticed no one has got back to you yet and I know how lonely and scary place it can be and is when in your position. I am in grief and be honest I am really really struggling I lost my mum to cancer and we were peas in a pod lived together and I was her carer ( not just because lived together because I wanted to be) and lived with her at the hospice 24/7 for over a month. And I felt all the things you have put the pain is horrendous no words do it justice! I to hated life and I’m really struggling to cope now I am very low and in emotional pain and it can really scare me and I feel so alone. I did turn to my gp who was also mums gp so knows all the history and so on and luckily he is is so good and supportive . Could you turn to yr gp maybe? It’s too much to go through alone you need to reach out to wherever and whoever you can! I know you may feel you don’t even have the motivation to do that but please try and force yrself honestly Ido know how painful it is and how you are finding it hard to go on. I know you feel no hope in anything and I too felt that but I tried to cling to the slightest thing and hope was a word I did try to hold on to ( i now have a 7 mth old puppy named Susie - Hope . My mum was called Susan and I added the hope part as I feel that’s what you really do have to try to hold onto! I have to do that every single min hour of every single day and night 7 days a week and yes it’s exhausting and overwhelming !! But I’m desperately trying !! But really am struggling its a horrible situation that you are in and like I’ve said before my heart goes out to you. I hope ( that word again) I’ve made some sense?! I am so very tired and crying myself as writing this and feel exhausted and I’m dsylexic so excuse the errors but I just wanted to send a reply to let you know you are being thought of and I’m here if you ever wanna let off steam or chat.
Look after yourself ( I know that’s also a task in itself! ) I’m thinking of you
With love. Tray xx
Thankyou Tray, that was lovely and your pain too sounds horrible. I have two puppies also and they are the bright things in my life. When I think I can’t do anything I know they are there and I must look after them. It gives me reason.
Today I saw my mum and told her I was exhausted and that felt guilt over just wanting it all to end. She said it was normal to feel like that and it was a big relief telling someone these terrible things.
I cooked myself a proper dinner (instead of just ordering a pizza) of greens and sausages and that alone made me feel better. I’m gonna rest tomorrow and just sleep a lot I think!
Maybe you could do the same? Do you manage to cook for yourself? Some green stuff is good for you
It has helped no end just talking to someone…anyone…
I am with my GP already as I have seizures and MH issues but I don’t want to up the medication and I’m not allowed sedatives because of the seizures. I found last night when I was so tired just crying until I was sick wore me out and I slept better but thankyou for the suggestion.
Your words are lovely and if you want to keep writing then I will be here to read them as you have made me feel better.
Hi ,
I’m glad my words helped you don’t have to thank me but I am glad it helped even if just a little bit. And well done you for eating that’s a really good thing you have done. I haven’t eastern a proper meal since May this year! For months and still do live off porridge pots! I have introduced toast and a few microvave meals in the past couple of weeks but it’s been a struggle ! I also suffer from mental health issues is that what you meant by MH ? Iget very ad anxiety and depression anyway so now I am in a very dark low scary place and innate it and like you say puppy is the only thing that brings some comfort and reason but she can be hardworking she is 7 mth and at that teenage stage ! How old are your pups ? I will have to leave it here as I’m not feeling too good but just wanted to send you a quick reply.
Try stay strong and please try to hold on to some ’ hope ’ ( your pups ) .
Thinking of you. Love from Tray xx
So sorry and sad to read your posts. Saw them yesterday but couldn’t reply then. It is a never ending struggle isn’t it? I too hate what my life has become and feel there is little point some days.
I think eating is very important, even if you don’t want to or as in my case everything tasting horrible to me. For one thing it passes a few minutes preparing something and like you both I am on my own. The long winter evenings and nights feel interminable at times.
No dog or puppy for me but have an ancient and very loving cat who works hard at comforting me, natures hot water bottle in bed with a built in never ending purr.
We are on a sad journey at the moment which is all the harder as we care and cared so much.
My puppies aren’t young anymore - 12 and 9 so getting old and crabby But they are warm and night and make me smile.
If you have an M and S food near you they do the best ready meals - really does taste like home cooking. Today I made a big pot of stew so I dont have to cook every day and I can portion it up. Cooking for one seems kinda pointless so it’s how I get round it.
Yes Tray I meant anxiety as a Mh issue. It’s a crappy thing isnt it?
Its only 6 but I am bathed and ready for bed already . My god Im 44 not 104…
Are you bothe getting support from others? Mine has been kind of lacking
How I related to your post. Early baths seem to feature in my life too. Splashed out on some very expensive soothing bath stuff to make it even better.
Another one here with anxiety problems. Long standing off and on issue for me. Fighting not to go to the Doctor as don’t want to take pills for it again. I have support from some friends of Mums who have become surrogate parents to me recently. My one close family member is lacking in sympathy and is to be blunt a bully. I am counting the days and weeks until all is sorted out and I can strike them out of my life.
