Not coping today

Feeling very low today. Cant stop crying. Have a cold and backache too. I dont understand how anyone managesx

Hi Pam,

Sorry to hear you’re having a bad day. Also sorry for your loss. It’s been a very short time since your mum passed so totally understandable you should be finding things challenging right now. Try to be patient and kind to yourself - there’s no rush to “getting over” a bereavement - it does take quite a lot of time and you have by the sounds of it also had a big change of lifestyle if you were caring for your mum too.

I found a very good book which did comfort me when I was feeling like I was overwhelmed with it all - it’s called Overcoming Grief by Sue Morris. Gives practical ideas of ways to work on grief to help come to terms with it, such as keeping a journal, or writing letters to the person who has passed.

Also I have found that this forum has been a comfort - to realise that what I’m going through or have been through is totally normal. I’ve found that the pain/grief has hit me in waves, and that gradually the waves get smaller or shorter in duration. Everyone has a different experience however.

It’s good to let yourself have a good cry - If you feel you can you should let it all out when you’re in a safe space to do it. In a way it’s honouring the importance of your relationship to your mum, and it’s part of the process of healing. You won’t feel like this forever.

Best wishes,
V x

Thank you. It is so kind of you to take the time to reply. It was sudden and the rest of my siblings have jobs and familys and are coping. They also live far away. I am in the home surrounded by all mums aids and unopened xmas presents (it happened week before xmas) i am a reader so will look up that book. Thank youx

Pam,

It’s completely up to you but it might help if you start getting rid of your mums stuff.
I can only speak of my experience but I dot rid of mums clothes and shoes within days. I couldnt bear to see clothes that she would never wear again. I’ve recently donated mums bookcase and display cabinet and replaced them with an ochre lamp stand and candle holder to try and lessen the memories.
I recently threw mums tea cup as I could never drink out of it and couldnt bare seeing it every time I opened the cupboard.
But by bit I’m erasing mum from the house. Its sounds callous but its purely to try and make living without her easier.
X

Ah that’s really hard. As for other siblings coping -
I’m sure they are grieving too, but when people are busy with families etc it is difficult to find time to connect with family - I’m guilty of that too.

Agree it would be good to deal with your mums stuff as quickly as you can. Maybe keep a couple of bits of sentimental value - perhaps your siblings can help with that too? My dad passed last June and at Easter I’m going to go through old photo albums with my sister. She got rid of most of dads stuff almost immediately but I have the odd stick of furniture and I have the odd thing related to my mum. It’s a shame not to have anything at all.

If the Xmas presents are too much to deal with or keep you could always donate them to a charity shop.

I have also found one to one counselling very helpful. Local authority put me in touch initially although it’s means tested so I pay something for it. I think grief can be such a strange feeling for many that it’s so hard to cope with. I’m trying to accept that this is just the way it is, and actually that has helped a lot. I feel much more normal now even though there are times when I just need a cry. I’m sure if you felt down you could call your siblings and they would be there for you - It’s ok to need emotional support. X

Thanks. I have contacted them but no reply. They are often abroad working. I know what you mean it breaks my heart to see her slippers. Frame which i put gold tinsel round for xmas and everything else. This is really mums house i had my own place until i moved in to look after her. Im thinking it might be best to move. Thanks for all your wisdomx

This has to be a ‘be good to Pam day’! It’s absolutely understandable that there’s going to be ‘wobble’ days…you haven’t had enough time to put your scaffolding in place that will help you up and give you the little boost you need. I mean the favourite cuppa of choice, the piece of music (Larks ascending for me) that lifts your soul, the walk around the garden to plan what needs doing, finding a poem that makes sense to you and lots of the things that aren’t too painful but keep your body and soul together.
When you’ve already got the runny nose and red eyes, long spells of crying are just awful. If you could acknowledge how you are feeling and write it down in a diary or journal, then there’s a chance you’ll have a breather and a warm drink. There’s been some wonderful advice already given, I hope it helps; I wish you peace and get well soon, xx

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Thank you. So appreciatedx