One of the worst days since it happened today. I think it’s beginning to sink in that my dad’s not here, what with funeral arrangements and the funeral itself coming up shortly. I don’t have anyone close by and he was one of the few who ever “got” me. I just miss him so incredibly much today that I can’t breathe for the pain.
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Hey Ulma, I lost my dad to cancer 8 days ago (67 years old, diagnosed in the Spring). We went from thinking he had years ahead, to being told weeks. He suffered, and now we are. I miss him so deeply I physically ache everywhere. He was my protector, my guardian, always there looking out for me. He was the only person in the world who really understood me, we were one and the same. I have panic attacks almost daily, or several times a day. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying. I feel your pain through and through. How do we accept they are gone? How can we help ourselves to heal? I have no answers at all, but I am here under the same moon as you, feeling your same pain. I hope we both can find a way to live a new life, a different life, without the agony.
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Hi @Ulma and @Peppermint I feel for you both. My mum was my whole family, my support and comfort, giving me constant unconditional love. She passed 3 months ago today and I’ve also been having panic attacks most days, as I don’t know how to live the rest of my life without her. I think the pain you feel is warranted, Ulma. And if you haven’t had the funeral yet, it must be early days for you, and may take you a longer time to process. I still can’t believe my mum isn’t coming back and it’s been 3 months. I think I’ll always feel like that. Or at least, be saddened by the fact she isn’t coming back forever and not want to accept it. I don’t know how we’re supposed to go on, apart from taking things one day at a time, and trying to be kind and patient with ourselves xx
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Thanks for responding. I was in a bad state yesterday and knowing that someone shares my emotions makes me feel less alone, though I’m so sorry for your loss that has made you find yourself here. 
All you said about your dad I could have said about mine, we synched in a special way, being so alike. I also have panic attacks and the mornings are the worst. I’m so tense I almost break apart. 8 days is no time at all, I’m two weeks in and that is a little longer but not much. I know we have to take an hour at a time, but even that is hard. Even a minute is too long. Sending you hugs and hopefully we on this forum can support each other through this somehow.
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Thank you for your support. Yes, it’s early, it’s just two weeks. I feel his absence like a physical thing, as if there’s an actual hole inside of me. I don’t know how to do this. And with Christmas coming up, it’s even more difficult. We’re never ready to lose our parents, are we? Even though we know it will happen one day.
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Hi @Ulma, yes 2 weeks is very early so you’ll be feeling things really rawly. I feel the exact same - without my mum there is a gaping chasm in my heart that causes me nothing but pain. I definitely didn’t feel ready to lose my mum, I’m 32 so didn’t ever think I’d lose her at this age. And my mum wasn’t ready to go, she had so much life still to live 
I find lighting a candle in front of a picture of her and talking to her kind of helps. You could see if that gives you any comfort. I don’t even know if I’ll celebrate Christmas this year. My mum loved it, so I feel like I should celebrate it for her. But for myself, I feel I’ve lost all joy without her. She was my light and comfort. Nothing will ever be the same without her. Take care, here if you need to chat x
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Hugs! I’m so sorry you lost her early and under such circumstances. I really don’t want to do Christmas this year, but my sibling insists we should, so I feel a certain pressure to do it. There’s no joy in it for me either right now, though like your mum, dad enjoyed Christmas a lot.
I do light a candle, but I have picture of him as a young man, I can’t look at other pictures of him yet, it tears me apart. Take care of yourself too (but I know self care is about the furthest thing from our minds most of the time). And thank you for the offer to chat!
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Such early days for you both . I’m 4 months in and still cannot believe it .
The raw pain doesn’t come quite so often these days but I am learning to carry this grief . As much as I don’t want to . I hate it. Love to you both xx
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Love back x. I know what you mean. As much as I can’t handle the raw pain I really don’t want to learn to carry it either. It just sucks, doesn’t it?
Yes it’s absolutely horrible . I’ve been to a church service tonight for people who have lost loved ones . Not really a church person before but it was lovely . We got to light a candle and write a note for the Christmas tree xx just crazy doing those things I can’t believe it but it does help xx
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Glad you found some comfort there. We have to grab hold of every little bit that helps. I’m not a religious person either but feel drawn to church activities now, I guess the rituals have a calming effect somehow.
They really do 
xx
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I went to an outdoor remembrance service today at the local hospice where you could dedicate a light on the tree to a loved one. All i could hear was my late Mums voice in my head saying “you’re crazy going out in that cold wet weather - I hope it was worth it!”
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I was unsure of joining an online community but feel it’s best to talk.
My mum passed away 4 month’s ago suddenly of a heart attack. I know it happened and i can write it but it most of the time it doesn’t feel real. I think the forever part is starting to sink in now. And it feels very heavy. I can’t explain it. I can’t look at photos.
I’m very spiritual and know she is with me, and I’m building this relationship with her now. But the thought of never talking to her face to face hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t look at photos either, it hurts too much. I wish I was more spiritual and could feel that certain. But yes, the physical absence is what makes everything so dark and heavy.
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I lost my Dad 8 months ago to cancer. I’m so sorry you lost your Dad too. The only advice I have is to take it all a day at a time as cliche as that sounds. Focus on getting through the day ahead of you and don’t think too far ahead if you can. I’m 8 months into my grief, I don’t known if its gotten any better but I suppose I have adapted a bit to my new reality. Thinking of you !
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Thank you! I do my best to take it one day, or hour, at a time, but sometimes I slip and panic sets in. I’m sorry for your loss too.