Not coping without my hubby

I’m 4 months down the grief road and it’s not getting better,he’s the first and last thing I think about every day . I’m crying constantly I just can’t get over this . I know Dave would not want me to be like this but I can’t stop it , we have been together for 59 years he was my soul mate my friend my rock . He fought a aggressive cancer but eventually he went into remission , he was well but he went to sleep and I found him in the morning when I was opening the blinds , I was devastated I can’t get the picture out of my mind it’s like a camera keep going off all the time , I see him just looking like he was asleep , he was such a fine figure of a man a keen sportsman played professional rugby he still played in the vets team until he was in his 50s ,His cancer changed him , it aged his body but not his mind . We had so much planned holidays weekends away ,all gone . I’ve got 2 daughters and 6 grandchildren and my family are so supporting but that still doesn’t make any difference I don’t know if I can go on without him, I thought that maybe each day I might feel a little better but I’m not I’m crying as I right this post in fact I just cry constantly I’m so sad . Why has this happened he wasn’t ready to die we where meant to be with each other for years . I’m broken hearted I miss holding his hands I miss him cuddling me , he was so affectionate from being 15 he always held my hand put his arm round me even in our 70s he still held my hand put his arm around me we both loved each other so much . I’m just existing I’m not living but for my family I would seriously think about joining him . I’ve no future without him . :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:

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Dear Plascoch

I am so sorry. Life without our husbands is just so difficult, if not sometimes impossible. Like yourself I am only continuing for our family. Could not be the cause of another lot of pain and suffering for them.

Although we all grieve differently, it certainly hits us in waves. I am now 10 months into this life I did not ask for and do not want without my husband. After scattering his ashes 4 weeks ago I felt some comfort but this past week has just been terrible. The crying had eased slightly but my days find me crying uncontrollably once again. Perhaps the reality is we suppress the crying until it all becomes too much again.

My husband was not taken by illness but through a road traffic accident. I spent the early months imagining his last moments. It is clear now from the inquest that he would have had no time to think of me, the kids or grandson (we now have a second grandson born after my husband died). These thoughts had begun to lessen only for the Coroner to send a letter which contained a photo of the spot where my husband was killed. My heart is already broken only for my body to be dealt another blow by this.

I don’t know how we navigate out of this hell, but for me personally I am back to taking it one day at a time and keeping the image of our grandsons in my mind.

Take care.

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I have no idea how to deal with my husband’s sudden death or even if I want to. Every day I think I don’t want to be here. I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up. Then I look at our gorgeous dog and see the love in her little face and feel guilty.

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Dear Dee,

I feel for you; a few of us did pinky-swear that we would take no action and I just hope that you can come on here and share the pain and memories.

It has been nineteen weeks since my dear Gordon passed with COPD and stage four cancer, He had sixteen days from diagnosis, in hospital, and I feel so bad that we did not either of us talk about it, Gordon’s last three days were at home with much morphine and fentanyl to stem the pain…
I so appreciate that you want to be with your dear love, but have your little dog; I too have my dog, and it is said that we should cause sadness to no living thing… That makes our pain worse, I think, no, unbearable as there seems no way out…

I spoke to a clairvoyant who said that two spirit guides had come to accompany Gordon and four had met him… She said that he had to go as he was in so much pain… I think this helped for a few moments.
Dear Dee, we reach out a paw to you…
X Beetango

Thank you for your reply.

My dog, Molly has been my saviour. My husband was never a dog lover and I pleaded with him to let me have a pet dog. Once I went part time with work he agreed …… and molly became part of the family. Once she was here he was besotted. We always laughed because Molly was his screen saver not me.
My payback, was Molly always wanted to be in my company or curled up with me on the settee.
It was a bit of a standing joke between us.
But on a serious note, because Martin was always concerned / worried that she was getting the best care I know if there is one thing that I can do for Martin is to make sure that I look after her and smother her with love.

I’m interested in the fact that you saw a clairvoyant
It is something I have considered but wonder if it is to soon. I have had many readings but I think this one would make me nervous

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Dear Dee,

I think I shall stay with the tarot reader I have that I really respect… The clairvoyant had guessed I had five children and I had one boy born with a heart condition who passed away. So that missed the mark!

Yes, it shows the desperation that is felt… Anything that gives us a glimmer of closeness to our love, because the emptiness is unbearable…

I know exactly how you feel, its nearly a year ago for me and I am in what feels like exactly the same place.
What I miss most is his physical being, his actually being there. As the year’s anniversary looms, I’m dreading how I will be.

I hope you find comfort that you are not alone in feeling these things, and I understand how sad and bereft you feel.

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Tomorrow will be my 53rd wedding anniversary it’s the first we will not be together in 59 years .I have decided that I want to spend our anniversary remembering my husband alone , I am going to go to the first place we met our first place we had our first date , where he lived where I lived ,his journey that he made every day after he took me home whilst we where courting .Some of our favourite walks . So I’m just taking a flask of coffee and visiting our old haunts . I will cry buckets I’m only 4 months into being without him . I never ever thought grief could be so overpowering and overwhelming . I only exist I’m not living he was my life . I don’t know how I’m going to continue without him . This was not part of what we planned we had so much planned together . Life is cruel . I just don’t know if I’m going to survive this alone . I’m so sad all of the time . Pauline [quote=“Plascoch, post:1, topic:40308, full:true”]
I’m 4 months down the grief road and it’s not getting better,he’s the first and last thing I think about every day . I’m crying constantly I just can’t get over this . I know Dave would not want me to be like this but I can’t stop it , we have been together for 59 years he was my soul mate my friend my rock . He fought a aggressive cancer but eventually he went into remission , he was well but he went to sleep and I found him in the morning when I was opening the blinds , I was devastated I can’t get the picture out of my mind it’s like a camera keep going off all the time , I see him just looking like he was asleep , he was such a fine figure of a man a keen sportsman played professional rugby he still played in the vets team until he was in his 50s ,His cancer changed him , it aged his body but not his mind . We had so much planned holidays weekends away ,all gone . I’ve got 2 daughters and 6 grandchildren and my family are so supporting but that still doesn’t make any difference I don’t know if I can go on without him, I thought that maybe each day I might feel a little better but I’m not I’m crying as I right this post in fact I just cry constantly I’m so sad . Why has this happened he wasn’t ready to die we where meant to be with each other for years . I’m broken hearted I miss holding his hands I miss him cuddling me , he was so affectionate from being 15 he always held my hand put his arm round me even in our 70s he still held my hand put his arm around me we both loved each other so much . I’m just existing I’m not living but for my family I would seriously think about joining him . I’ve no future without him . :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:
[/quote]

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Dear Plascoch

I weep tears for you and the loss of your beloved husband. I understand your feelings. My husband died aged 60. I thought we had years ahead of us and now he is gone. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Sheila

Dear Plascoch,

Today is your and your beloved Dave’s anniversary…
So many memories and now your heart is filled with more emotions…

How lucky we are to have found such lovely men…
Every day is an anniversary, I think…

I wonder what your day was like on your wedding day…
Dave will be watching and smiling…

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