Not coping

Hi there,

I’m in my early 30s. My Dad passed away last month unexpectedly . He died of deep vein thrombosis. The PM revealed traces of cancer triggered the deep vein thrombosis. He beat cancer twice - prostate and bowel cancer. The bowel cancer came back. My siblings and I had an estranged relationship with him at the end (Parents spilt when I was 8) and tried many times to repair (On and off relationship for years) it but no joy in the end.

Since the passing of my Dad, my brother and I organised his repartition to Nigeria and he is at the mortuary now. We were very keen to honour his wishes despite the relationship we had. As things stand, we are not sure if we can go to the funeral in Nigeria as the Nigerian authorities are very strict on receiving UK citizens to the country due to the Covid restrictions.

It took about four weeks to sort out my Dad’s repartition. I didn’t have time to grieve or mourn and now this overcast of sadness, anxiety and guilt has shocked me. I am not sleeping well and I feel so anxious all the time. I wish I can see my extended family and friends but the lockdown rules. I’ve never felt so helpless , lonely and lost. I feel like I’m suffocating in grief. My Dad will never see me get married or my kids, that hurts. I wanted to hear my Dad’s voice again and I listened to my dissertation (a radio documentary) on the Nigeria-Biafra civil war - it gave me a bit of comfort. He was really proud of me when I produced it at uni. That was 11 years ago. Time flies. I only have one parent now and I cherish my Mum even more now.

I would really appreciate any advice.

Thank you.

Hi. Lulu. Welcome. I am so very sorry to hear about your loss and the pain you are going through. You have come to the right place. We all know and understand, and there are many here who have suffered a similar experience to you. Advice is so difficult. Everyone copes in their own way. What may suit one may not another. One rule that can help is to take it a day at a time. Looking ahead can be very painful. Covid has caused so much added pain to those already suffering from grief. And he is still proud of you. Nothing can change that.
Relationships are so often the cause of so much distress. But we are human and flawed. We say and do things we so often regret after, but that is never surpassed by the love we feel
Take it as easy as you can. Allow emotions to come, and accept, that for while you will feel physically upset as well as mentally. It’s all part of the grieving process, but like all processes it does gradually get better. Honest!! You are in shock and it’s very early days even to think about relief. It will come given time.
Take care and look after yourself as well as those who mourn with you.
Blessings. John.

Hi John,

Thank you for your words of comfort, much appreciated. There are quite a few people that don’t know what to say or how to express themselves and I feel I am in the right place now to talk about it as I’ve bee suppressing my emotions and carrying on with life, which is very unhealthy. I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope in time you will heal too.

Take care,
John.

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