Not Coping

HI, I lost my husband of 32 years to multiple cancers last Dec 15th, I had 6 days from diagnosis to death to get used to the idea, he had been diagnosed with stage 1 lung cancer in March 2015 but his upper lobe was removed and he was not given any chemo or radiotherapy as we were told the surgery was enough and he was clear. We went for the check ups every 6 months and the scans etc and I have the letters at home telling him congratulations you are still cancer free, the last one was in June 2016, then to find this out in Dec. I have been very practical etc since it happened but last saturday I had the final 3 things happen all at once, his bank account closed and his money paid into mine, the bereavement allowances paid to me and a letter from his private pension telling me what I was entitled to, since then I have been so tearful and feeling unable to cope, I hate staying in my house and feel I have to get out all the time, but have no-where to go. Everything just feels too much to cope with, I am sitting here crying as I am typing this, I just cant seem to stop.

Hi Pandy im very sorry for your (im 57 my wife was 41) take each day as it comes .I too live alone so i understand .Have you seen youir gp phoned the samaritians (i do both ) also ask your doctor about CRUSE bereavement concelling ? Keep coming back here we will help in any way we can.Colin

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You are not alone I lost my wife nearly two months ago on the 29 November2016 and still feel the trauma/pain we’ve been left to understand.
I’m 57 and my wife Balbir was 49, I’m left with three teenage kids and became a widower unexpectedly.
Like you Pandy I am having to deal with my wife’s private affairs, form filling/ notifying various organisations of her passing, cannot cope with the pressures enforced on me, difficult to live in a big house not hearing nor seeing her presence and dealing with my kids.
I have found comfort over this period of time through this website, sharing, communicating with others who are striving to cope with the loss of a loved one.

Hope you find some comfort.

hi thanks for the replies, I made a Dr’s appointment for tomorrow, so I will see what she says then, I am so struggling, I am 54 hubby was 67, I just want my best friend back, I was fine while I had stuff to do but now it is so final, there is nothing left apart from a bleak lonely future, and it just seems too much to cope with, this wasn’t supposed to happen yet I wanted at least another 10 years. I hate feeling like this but don’t know how to stop it, how do you stop your heart from breaking, ór the tears from flowing.
I had the expected, pull yourself together speech from my sister last night, but it is only 40 days since he died, who needs enemy’s when I have my sister :slight_smile:

Thanks fore the support I do feel a little less alone while on here.


Hi Pandy

Well done getting the doctor’s appointment and I do hope they can help you. I lost my Mum who like your husband was my best friend. This ws six months ago yesterday and I still am devastated. I also have a sister I wouldn’t foist on anyone, told me to stop crying three days after as it was annoying her. Further comments have included not wallowing in my grief and what I now call the daily bitch, a spiteful little daily dig made to make me feel small.

You take as long as you need, accept every offer of help that is made, every cup of tea with friends and neighbours. Sadly people fade away after a bit as you are expected to be ‘over it’ all.


Hello Pandy. Sorry to read about your distress. You are so right about the bleak reality of not physically having your loved one with you. The one person you felt at ease doing nothing with. You were a witness to each others life. 16 weeks tomorrow since I lost my husband to a cardiac matter and I am becoming even more despairing, sorry I can’t offer you positivity, only heartfelt empathy. I too thought my Husband would have another 10 years so the very fact we thought their passing was an untimely one just piles on the distress.
Take Care Pandy.

Thanks for the reply’s, I am taking each day as it happens, it is so hard though I just want to wake up from this nightmare, and feel like I used to, carefree and happy.
I feel I will never genuinely smile or laugh again, without this little stab of pain.
I am hoping the Dr will be able to help this afternoon although I think I am probably expecting too much, there is such a long waiting list for counselling and I know they don’t give out happy pills as easily like they used to years ago, so I am probably going to walk out afterwards feeling just as bad. I don’t have a lot of faith in my Dr’s surgery…

Hello Pandy,
i lost my partner a month ago tomorrow, not suddenly, but after a long painful decline. I lost my first wife to cancer at the age of 52, and here I am again. I would be kidding if I told you that the sadness would get less any time soon, but the sheer agony and overwhelming sense of loss does get a little easier. Then every now and then the realisation hits you like a sledgehammer. My advice: don’t force yourself to do anything that you don’t have to yet, take time to reflect and come to terms. Don’t take happy pills, you have to tread this lonely path.I find that the only people who understand are those who have gone through it.Some people seem to find counselling useful, but the real understanding comes from those who are themselves bereaved, like people in this group.

HI everyone,
What Malcolm has said regards understanding coming from people on this site is so true.I lost my husband in oct 2016 he was 51 and this site has helped me so much, to know that people understand what we are going through and can talk about it together on this site without arguing is a god send to me. Although none of us want to be doing this or ever thought that we would be,I don’t know what I would of done without it.
Take care and hope you all find the strength to get through this

I agree with all the comments this site is really helping, I am finding each little step along this long hard road is torture, but together it is more bearable, I have awoken today with quite a positive attitude, first time in days, and every time I have found myself ‘filling up’ I have changed my thoughts to something different and managed to control the tears, I have not had one escape from my eye…yet.
I am hoping I can find some techniques to control the bad days a little, I will let you know if I succeed

Hi Pandy, sorry for your loss, I too lost my husband to cancer in december 2016. I have days when i feel I am coping well and others when I don’t even want to get out of bed .My life has changed forever we were both looking forward to spending our retirement together and now I am here on my own.I feel lost and lonely at times and feel I have to keep myself busy. I have very supportive family and that does help me a lot. Try and think of all the happy memories and love you have of your life together this makes me always feel better knowing that I will have those with me forever in my heart.

Well done Pandy.
But don’t be too hard on yourself. Take one day at a time. I find that there is some small comfort in tears, provided they don’t take over. I know from my experience on the death of my wife, twenty-odd years ago, that it does get better, and indeed I later met a lady who was a very sympathetic and generous person. She helped me through my bad days, she became my partner and we had many very happy years together until her illness and her death, a month ago today. Today I will let the tears run.

Thanks Malcolm,
I have managed to get over my first lot of bad days, and am feeling a little more stronger now, I am certain there will be more but now the first one is out of the way I will know what to expect. After reading suggestions on here I have bought some 1000 piece jigsaws to try and make the evenings a bit shorter, and I have joined a knit, crochet and Natter group that is on a thursday evening once a month so that will be something to look forward to. Trying to build a life for myself without Frank is hard but hopefully each day / week/ month it will get easier.

Hi Pandy Oh how my heart aches for you. I lost my mum, my best friend, in July 2016. She had vascular dementia and I’d fooled myself into thinking I was ‘ready.’ Instead, I’m sitting here wracked with anxiety and feeling lost. I’m a grown up, I’m 61, but I’m physically ill with the pain of the grief. I miss her SO much! Like you I’ve been to the docs. and was given anti-depressants and beta blockers but don’t feel any different. I shouldn’t admit to this but from 4.00 I let myself drink some white wine and this is the only thing that takes away my physical pain and eases my crazy, racing thoughts. You are being so pro-active with your jigsaws and Natter club, well done girl.

Hi Julie,
That is my coping mechanism kicking in, I am much better doing something that not, it make me feel in control of my grief instead of the other way round. I dl allow myself time to cry and grieve though but when I want to. I am starting going swimming with my daughter in law every Wednesday eve she wants to get rid of baby fat (she had my twin grandsons 18 months ago) and I just want to tone up so hopefully that is another thing to look forward to. I find keeping busy is the way forward for me.

Paddy, can I suggest you consider joining one of the Way groups for widows/widowers. Way (widowed and young) is for those widowed under the age of 50. Way Up is for those widowed over the age of 50. There are regular meet ups all over the country and the support is fantastic. I have found so much understanding from being in touch with others going through a similar process