Not coping

My husband who was 58 passed away in August after being diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in April. I took a career break to look after him, he passed at home where he and I wanted him to be. I cannot face going back yet. I miss him so much, like other posts I have read we had so many plans, he had taken early retirement last year and I feel cheated and incredibly sad that these plans will not happen. His mother is still alive, she has Alzheimer’s so does not know, she doesn’t recognise me either so I am grateful for that. He did so much, the thought of taking over it all is horrible. My 2 daughters are a great support but they have their lives ahead of them and I feel like I will never be happy again. We were together for 35 years, but it didn’t feel that long.

Hello Jakkles, I am feeling very much the same as how you describe yourself. My husband passed away also in August, very suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 55. I have been left in utter shock, alone, dejected and can’t face living a life without him. Unlike you I have no children so finding it more and more difficult coping with my situation. I too feel cheated he has been taken away and feel resentful (which I know I shouldn’t) when I see elderly couples together who still have their wives/husbands. My husband’s mother is also alive, he was the youngest of her three sons, however, they all live abroad.

I am presently on sick leave. Work is probably the best therapy but people have short memories when in the workplace and will quickly forget that you are bereaved and still grieving so I do not anticipate returning until I feel strong enough to face this.

I have lost both parents, which is sad enough, but to lose a husband is something very very different, you just expect to be with them until the twilight years. I try to keep busy during the day by meeting different friends but the pain begins once you put the key in the front door and there is nobody in there to greet you, only silence, and another night spent alone.

Grief has to be one of the worst emotions there is and only ourselves can heal ourselves. I have tried counselling, anti depressants, praying, talking to friends how I feel … nothing works. There is no magic wand we can wave to make us happier and I just wonder how long this feeling will remain.

Sorry I cannot be more optimistic but I guess that is why we are all on this site, searching for what seems the impossible, but at least we know we are not alone and there are many more like us around, suffering this dreadful experience.

Take good care of yourself x

Thank you for your kind words, I know that I am fortunate to have my daughters, and you are right, seeing couples together rip me apart, and there is no magic wand to rid us of the grief
Take care of yourself too x

Hello Jackles, I am so very sorry and know exactly what you are going through and will go through over the next few years because it is not something that you ever get over. You learn to live with it but you hate having to live with it. It is so very early for you and you have not even got your head around it yet and will not for some considerable time because you are living in a fog, living on automatic not quite believing what has happened and wondering if it is all a dream. Over the next few months you will be sorting out paperwork and other things that need doing as companies wait for no-one, it needs doing and doing as soon as possible. After that comes the reality that it is not a dream and you will never see your husband again and that is when the shock sets in, you cry, scream because your future with your husband has now gone and life will never, ever be the same. You look at photos, listen to music you both loved, you can’t settle to anything and seeing his photo makes you fall to your knees and break down in tears. Friends and neighbours still go about their lives as normal but nothing is normal for you anymore and you cannot understand how the outside world still goes on when your little world has come to an end. I lost my husband three years ago, also in August, I had been his carer for over two years and I still cannot accept my life without him. Nothing is the same anymore, I go out, go on holiday with my family but still come home to an empty house, I have sons and grandchildren but they have their own lives, have work and school to occupy them, they are not living with it every single day. I find I think more of the past than I do of the present and I never, ever think about the future as it is a future without my husband and knowing I could have many more years without him rips me apart. There are some lovely people on here and we are always ready to listen. Take Care and my thoughts are with you at this terrible time. Regards Sheila xx