Completely inundated by my grief. I lost my father 2 months ago after his 4 year battle with cancer. I was with him every single day including when he passed away. I thought I was doing ok despite the awful pain. But this week I bought his ashes home for Father’s Day and I feel like I have completely broken… I don’t know how to deal with the fact he is now ash in a box and I cannot see past this pain… it honestly feels like I will be in pain and sad forever how do you continue how do you find strength to carry on when everything reminds you of them. I honestly feel like I’m going crazy.
Hi,
Just wanted to reach out to you after reading your post.
I took have my mum’s ashes here at home with me and I felt the same as you in the beginning. Now however I find comfort in having them here with me. I feel I still have her with me and I have somewhere to go to talk to her. I have them in my spare bedroom so I can go and have quiet time with mum.
You are not going crazy because the feelings you have described are normal. It’s grief doing this to you.
Just try to take small steps each day. Look after yourself and put yourself first.
It’s still the raw time for you so it’s tough going.
Set yourself small targets for each day.
Keep posting on her and you will soon build up a network of support from other people going through the same horrible grief journey.
Don’t go through this on your own. Reach out to people on here as this site was my lifeline and still is
Love Deborah x
I am so sorry about your dad, lost my mum 14 April so very fresh and I understand. You feel like you should still be able to find them in the world. You feel extra connection from having cared for him so long, it’s painful as we were almost a parent in the end instead of a child. It makes it worse.
I am getting mum’s ashes late this week or early next and like you struggling with the idea. So much angst about whether to do a memorial or not, or have her home. I decided on home, but can’t tell if it will help or not. I think overall it will.
Are you considering having any jewelly made? I am stuck can’t decide
Thank you for your reply, I’m so sorry for your loss ( i never know what to say) it’s so awful isn’t it a pain I never imagined. And yes I agree I spent so long caring for my dad and by his side my whole routine has gone slightly feels like you lose yourself and purpose with them doesn’t it?
I thought bringing his ashes home would help me and feel he was with me, but once I had them it was like realisation set it and i couldn’t imagine that he was still here anymore if that makes sense. I hope over time it’ll be the right thing to have him home with me. I hope so for you too.
Yes I have thought about what I would like to do with some of them and there’s so many lovely ideas, but I also just have him in the box on the shelf and haven’t been able to go near it yet so maybe soon!
How are you coping? It’s hard isn’t it. I’m sending so much love to you x
Thank you so much for your reply, I’m so sorry you too have to go through the awful pain. It’s so fresh maybe I need to be kinder to myself and expect less. I just can’t imagine ever feeling better. So hopefully I will. Sending so much love to you x
Yes I feel like I am being kicked in the chest repeatedly, especially in the morning.
I had so many calls re mum and met up with her often, so my life feels empty. I am very glad to have my son and husband plus siblings, but they were not as close to her and involved in day to day. She was still so active, and then just suddently went walking in her room, cardiac arrest. I never even got to see her due to post mortem etc and then we all decided not to see her 2 weeks after as might be scary and wanted to remember her as she was in my garden 2 days prior.
I feel like my life just stopped on 14 April.
Yes I think if she is here it will helo next week but also be painful as it confirms things more than the service.
I don’t understand how she is not in the world
Oh I’m so sorry that sounds so awful, I’m glad you remember her as she was. I will say watching my father deteriorate and die infront of me keeps me awake at night it’s hard to remember him as he was before as those images do not leave my mind yet, I’m greatful I was with but I do also sometimes think I wish I had never seen it happen.
Isn’t it scary to imagine the rest of your life without them. I’m only 28 and my son is 3 and asks for his grandad every day which makes it harder.
How old are you? And your child?
Do you find it hard to talk about your mum with your child? I feel I hold back a lot as I never know what to say when my son asks for him.
Sorry to hear about your loss, this must be really devastating for you. Sadly, i think its probably normal as we are so busy getting the funeral organised and getting things sorted that when it all stops it kind of just hits you.
I am 42 and lost my father to Pancreatic Cancer last August just 4 weeks after he was diagnosed. I remember after he died the only person I wanted to speak to was him as he would understand. I also felt like the world should stop because he was gone, which i know is irrational.
I have two young sons who were really close to him and seeing them upset was so hard when you are dealing with your own grief too - be kind to yourself and keep talking.
I started writing my feelings down in a little book as remember over hearing my son say “I cant be sad as daddy doesnt cry” so started to write it for them too when they are older.
I remember a friend said to me after my dad passed away, “some days it just ok to just 'be” there is no right or wrong way of dealing with it".
That is a good idea St1ng, I am hoping to get to the point soon when I can write things down. Have explained to my son that I will be ok, it’s ok to be sad, and that mum loved us and this will take a while to get through. He knows sitting in the garden by the water fountain helps me, and that sometimes I need extra hugs. I do try to protect him on the days I am overly sad by taking more baths, being outside more etc
Yeah that is the hard part for me - my dad never showed emotion and so I just carried that on but always say to my sons that its ok to be sad and to cry because it shows how much they meant to you. They also took his passing very differently, one openly shows emotions and the other just kind of contemplates it and will only talk when he is ready (they are 8 and 9 now)
Maybe your child is too young but we bought my youngest a book called “The Invisible String” which he found quite a lot of comfort in and he still carries it in his school bag every day bless him .
I hope today is a little easier for you and its pk not to be ok, keep talking
thank you, yes it’s so important. I have found he displayed emotion to start with, but it’s eased now and he’s kind of gone inwards. He is coming up to 13, lost our family cat Spring 22 which broke us all, then his grandmothers partner who he adored laate 22, and now mum. I think it will change him sadly, too much pain in 2 years. But we talk, it’s harder to get hubby to talk in more emotional terms though.
He has been more on the lines of don’t make him think about it, he wasn’t as close to your mum anyway sort of thing
My son is only 3 and I’ve been having a really hard time explaining to him why he can’t see/talk to his grandad again, so I will definitely look into books thank you for that. It’s so tough isn’t it
Also he comes out with remarks a lot like the other day I was crying and he said to me oh yeah your daddy is dead and I just felt so bad haha, I feel like they’re so to the point but then he will forget and doesn’t really understand what he means and ask why grandad hasn’t come to see him in so long… i feel like I have to hide my pain infront of him but have a hard time doing that too. It’s all so confusing navigating such pain when the world just keeps going and you have no choice but to continue with it.
