Never give up hope. You can make a new life for yourself and you can be happy despite the deep-down sadness that you feel right now. Be kind to yourself and reach out to others in the same situation. I’m fortunate to have two sisters who are widows and they really understand the feeling that you are not complete without your other half. They assure me it does get easier as time goes on. They say its not the time that does the healing but what you do with the time. The only cure for grief is to grieve. Sending you love and hugs x
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I found a lot of comfort from your words so thank you. I’m going to try and live the best life I can albeit with a broken heart - my poor hubby would be devastated if he knew he was the reason for my life to feel so worthless so I owe it to him to keep moving forward, somehow.
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I have also lost two husbands. Like others, when my first husband died I was devastated and was on my own for 4 years before I met my second husband. Both were kind and wonderful men, I loved them equally. This time seems harder, though. I don’t know if it is because I am 20 years older or if grief is cumulative. I lost both parents, my sister, a brother in law and my first husband in a short space of time. My second husband was a widower and supported me through some very tough times. Now he is gone as well. Both of my husbands died suddenly.
It feels so unfair. I honestly can’t remember how long it was before I started to feel ‘better’ the last time I was widowed. I feel that I have been cast deeper into the pit of despair this time. Maybe I haven’t, it’s just how I feel. I honestly loved them equally. I know that must seem impossible but it’s the truth.
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That’s the spirit! When my husband had just passed away i consoled myself by thinking how much he would have hated being in a wheelchair, having dementia, going into a care home etc. and that ge had been spared all those things. He had been living a normal life right up to a month before he went into hospital on 4th January. He died on 3rd February. My first husbsnd died of heart failure while i was at work and i found him dead when i got home. At least with Frank i was able to talk to him and tell him how much i loved him and how happy he had made me over the past ten years. He had already lost one wife and i was glad that it wasn’t me that was dying and him being left in his own again. All these thoughts are still with me nearly 5 months later and i had my first dream about him a few nights ago. Also yesterday i found 2 and a half years of text messages on my phone which i didn’t realise were there. I read every one if them twice over. It all helps to keep the memories alive and make life just a little bit more bearable. I will stop rambling now but its good to be able to share with someone who understands x
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So sorry for your loss and that you’re so sad. I’m 15 mths from losing my darling hubby and I get high praise from my family as to how well I’m coping… yes an act. Face on for family. At home on your own with your head melting with lost time and only memories. I think it does get easier but by that I mean it gets easier to learn how to cope. I hope you have someone you can let the mask slip off and be yourself. You need to pour it out somewhere. Hopefully you can have some respite from the soreness. It’s so tangible
XxX
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Its not impossible Willow i lost my first husband in 2005 he was 36 i was 39. This time 18 yrs on it seems so much harder i lost my dad 10 yrs ago my younger sister 9 years this September and my mum just over 7 years ago Gra supported me through it all. It will be 6 weeks on sunday and in some ways it seems ages since i last spoke to him in other ways it seems like yesterday if tgat makes sense. I miss him with every heartbeat 
xxxx
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Hi there.
I know how you are feeling because I am the same. I lost my partner very quickly a year ago. I also have been widowed before when I was younger. I said to myself I cannot pick myself up and do it all over again but then I realised that I have to. I have joined lots of clubs, societies, afternoon teas and coffee mornings. I lost my best friend just before my partner so that has not helped. I still drive so I am now taking other widowed friends around with me and finding a new purpose in life. You have done it before so you can do it again I keep telling myself. Life will never be the same but our loved ones would want us to be happy. Wishing you all the best.
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Hiya Jane ty for replay i understand what you are saying but i am also agrophobic so it doesnt make going out easy. Xxx
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Hi Willow,I do think age has a lot to do with it,when young or even middle aged we have the stamina,mental strength to adjust,I think as we enter later years that stamina and strength tends to seep away and we rely on love,contentment and routine,when that is shattered I believe we fall apart,i quite frankly don’t have answers wish I did.
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Hi Ron. I think you hit the nail on the head there! It’s harder to adjust to such enormous change when we are older. Ten or twenty years ago i would have taken it in my stride. I have found the whole experience exhausting and everything seems such a chore. In the past six months i have experienced two of the most traumatic life changes - bereavement and moving house. I am fortunate to be near my son-in-law and 2 grandchildren (17 and 13),(my daughter died in 2019) and we’re going to Devon for a week in August so hopefully that will refresh me. I always like to having something to look forward to. My best wishes to you for your grief journey.
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Me neither, Ron, I feel as if I have been cast adrift on another planet. Life has changed so much since I was “single”. I don’t know how to start living as me instead of us. They say that you get set in your ways as you grow older. We only needed each other. Friends and family move away, or die, so the social aspect diminishes. If you are retirement age there are no work colleagues.
I went to a Tai Chi class last week. Not really my kind of thing up until now, it was okay and most of the other women were widows. At least it got me out of the house so I will go again.
I guess we all have to start somewhere.
Xx
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The first few weeks are so raw, I thought I’d never survive, I rang Cruse bereavement when it got really bad, it took a long time to get through but so what! They listened. Every day is a grieving day. Good that you are going out even if it feels like oretending keep in going and keep in crying. x
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I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through … again. I lost my husband very suddenly 5 years ago after 35 years of marriage.
I did/am still doing … just the same as you, enrolling for anything that even halfway interests me because I need to fill my time as much as possible.
People who’ve not been through losing a partner really have no idea how your life changes for good from that awful moment on - our children also lost their Dad far too early.
Thinking of you …
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I feel for you I too have been widowed twice…once at 24 and had a small daughter that kept me going…49 years later lost my second husband life is so hard I feel just like you…everyone thinks iam ok but it’s all a facade…inside I am in pieces…
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I don’t know what the answer is - I’m torn between clinging to my life with him, staying in and talking to him hoping he can hear me, keeping the house and garden ticking over just as they would have been, hoping he’ll come back to me soon and tell me how proud he is of me - or face up to the horror that he’s really really gone, he’s never coming back and that’s it! An empty life of meaningless distractions just biding my time until I join him in that double grave. I just can’t get my head around it. 
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I feel the same as you. People saying you’re doing really well. They aren’t here at night when I am in floods of tears. It’s 19 months since my husband passed away after 51 yrs of marriage but together for 54 yrs. I think in a way I m lucky people have lost a loved one after being together for only a few years. I have two daughters who are brilliant but I often think I m being selfish always thinking I m the one affected so badly with grief but I know my daughters also get upset as they loved their father. The whole thing is something you just have to wade through it’s so hard. You are not alone.
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It’s a tough one. The two choices you give are just a brutal reality of losing your lives love. I’m the same. Hoping he’ll come in the door and say wow you passed the test I’m so proud. My heart hopes for this my head tells me it’s the other…. I have a granddaughter that stays near me she’s 3 and that’s my salvation she talks about him with nothing but joy and abandon no sorrow she just appreciates she had him for a time … I learn from her and he’d still be proud. I hope you choose to life as best you can and find a wee bit joy out there 
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I won’t say I know how you feel because I’m not you.
What I can say… my wife died 2 weeks ago today.
My partner died 20 years ago.
It never gets easier.
I agree with you about playing a part for other people. They don’t see you when you’re at home on your own.
If one more person asks me how I am or says “you’re doing so well” I think I will scream.
It’s the hardest thing.
I feel you. I really do.
There is no right or wrong way. It just is.
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It’s good to get out and mix but please don’t exhaust yourself. Grief alone is exhausting so pace yourself with the outings. You do what you need to to cope. Sending hugs x
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Other people don’t know what to say other than well meaning platitudes they’ve learned. You’re still in shock nothing feels right whatever you do. Sharing is important when and where you are ready. You will find out which friends can cope and surprised by those who back off: they can’t cope so try not to judge. Express your anger, pain, confusion, try not to self censor to ‘protect’ others. I’m six months in and it is an emotional rollercoaster, do whatever you feel is right for you rather than ‘fitting in’ with others expectations. Be honest and authentic.
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