Not dealing with talking & bottling up till I explode.

Finding it hard to talk and explain how I just dont trust people and life atm. I lived with my mum & had the chance to live with my dad but chose to stay with my mum. I saw him on weekends till I was 11. He was in and out of hmp so we lost contact. Long story short, we reconnected by the hospital calling me stating he is on dyalasis. I had seen him more in a month than 10 years. I would do shopping for him but refused help from carers. He had an episode where he had kidney failure but he refused treatment. I went to his flat where he had collapsed & was on the floor but not sure for how long? Helped him but he was embarrassed so I called for an ambulance, got him to hospital where a week later he died. This was nearly 3 years ago & still not coping. I have a storage unit of his stuff thinking there is some clue on what to do but I have not found it yet & driving my wife insane as she thinks it her who is getting me angry but I have so many unanswered questions & cant let it go. Its changing me as I’m usually the complete opposite, cant shut me up. Thanks for reading.

Hi, you are not alone, that’s the first thing and the second is I would advise you to get help. Sue Ryder have counselling on here and there are others like Cruse but coming here to this site is your first step forward and we welcome you. Grief is something you can’t quantify, there’s no time limit or that common thought of ‘getting over it’ because there are no rules that it obeys. The other thing that just doesn’t apply but people use is ‘pull yourself together’ I like that one because I don’t know how you are supposed to it. Yes, you could start and give away his things but would you feel any better, that’s up to you. Just don’t think that the way you feel is wrong because there is no right or wrong, it’s what makes you feel better in yourself that counts and we are all different, what works for one may not worry for another. Try to work out what’s best for you and always take your time. Be kind with yourself and that will help with your mother, she may feel she has been left out and trying to think what she may want will only muddle your own wishes. Take care of yourself first and then if there’s anything leftover you can give it away. Visiting here and reading what others say may help, we are always here for you. Please look after yourself and stay safe. Blessings S

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Thanks, I haven’t really spoke about it so thanks for reading my essay. As soon as charity shop open I will be making a big donation. I did donate lots to shelter, red samaritans & hospitals for 2 years, just ran out of toys for kids. Its good to know that there are decent people in the world still. Thanks for your kind words.

Honestly we here for you not for your donations which is nice but we want to help and that’s why I volunteer both on here and at my local Sue Ryder hospice. Anything we can do to help, so please keep posting and please let me know how you are going on, life will improve, slow going. Any time. Look after yourself. S

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