Not getting better

It has been some time since I posted but here I am, sixteen months after David passed away, sitting here in floods of tears. Some days I can smile but more often I still feel empty and disbelieving that I will never see David again. We were together for fifty seven years, married for fifty three before he was taken suddenly with no warning. Do you know what started this tonight? Well, I have a skin condition which had flared up again a few days ago. It suddenly occurred to me as I was dealing with my medication that for the first time in my life I had no one asking me how my skin was and how I was actually feeling, meaning it and happy to actually listen. I was married directly from home and this is the first time I have not had home back up. That is just a sample. Does this feeling of having no one to share little normal things with go away? I loved being married and I am missing that closeness. All mixed up, thought I would be better than this. I have a daughter and son close by but my life feels so empty and so different now. Feeling so sad and upset tonight but also feel as if I am letting go of him if do something that gives me some happiness. A walk with my dog, enjoying a sunset, why can I enjoy them? Told you I am so mixed up… xx

Dear Hainey
So sorry that you are having a bad evening. You and your husband were a partnership for such a long time that being alone now must be really difficult. I lost my other half four years ago and feel much like you…there are better days but then also some really spiky ones…it’s a bit like being a yoyo sometimes! I think its par for the course but we slowly get better at living with it as time goes by. Never feel guilty about the times you are able to smile or enjoy the sunset…these are our oasis times and give us the strength to keep going. I hope you feel a little brighter tomorrow and that your skin condition improves.
Take care x