As we head to Sunday which will mark a week of my brothers passing, I’m struggling with day to day. Each day I’m trying to do just ONE thing, but just can’t seem to. Today I put the dishwasher on….not even emptied it. Just put it on. Can’t talk to family right now, they’re “old school” and encouraging me back to work to “take my mind off things” all I’ve done with the rest of the day is sit here in my pjs!
Fighting with myself, frustrated as I know I need to do the “normal stuff” and feeling guilt about just sitting here! As it is I head back to work on Monday which ive already had 2 work related text messages for. Everything’s pointing to getting on with it….so why can’t I??
I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
Yes, I have someone in the family who tells me to pull myself together or ‘straighten your back’. I finally lost it and shouted at him “do you think I wouldn’t if I could?”. Not suggesting you should shout, but those people a) probably haven’t gone though what you have or b) if ther have, are not like you. Everyone is different when it comes to grief and there simply isnt any ‘right’ way - your way is the right way - end of. I would add that 1 week is increadibly soon - your grief will be at its absolute rawest. Going back to work MIGHT (I say might) be a useful distraction - I get so very weary of grieveing all the time and having a permanent black cloud - but equally you need to be careful not to overdo it as you will be exhausted both physically and mentally. I would definitely go to your GP if you havent yet as they may be useful in future with work if you end up needing a bit more time - or an alterntaive might be to work a couple of short weeks to ease you back in. Finally, be kind to yourself and everytime you hear your internal voice saying I must I should or I ought - tell it to be quiet. There is no must should or ought about it. If you had broken your ankle you wouldn’t be be saying I must run a marathon - your injury may be mental, but it is just as real. Hugs. J
Thank you, for taking time to respond. What you’ve said makes sense. I’ve been in contact with the GP, I think I’m just gonna take it slow and steady when returning to work. I have to deal with people a lot, and right now I still find just saying hi hard verbally. Text isn’t an issue and I find that incredibly easier.
I know that feeling. After my wife passed, trying to sort out her affairs and finances was a long uphill struggle. I did 1 per week, couldn’t face doing more.
But you have taken a huge step just by putting your feelings down. I found the one person I could talk to who listened, not gave advice. You will have that person near you, use them,
If it helps, talk to your brother. I talk to my wife all the time, and apologise when I make a mess in the kitchen.
Hi Terry and thanks for taking the time out to reply to me, and I’m sorry to hear about your loss.
Right now my parents are making and dealing with all of the sadmin (Richard Coles once described dealing with finances etc after a death as that), and I know that must be hard on them too, so I don’t burden them with how I feel, I can’t imagine having to do that yourself. Must be hard. I guess one thing a week is a step forward. So I will give it a try.
I’ve not found that person as yet, I still hear “this is going to take time”, “it will get easier you know” and “you need to be prepared for the funeral and how that will affect you” none of it helps, even though they’re trying to be helpful.
I do speak to my brother, every day at little times, mainly before I go to bed. I ask him for a little help with sleeping, which is currently sporadic at best. Also with help to speak, communicate verbally with others, which I’ve found quite a hard thing. Even just saying hi to a passing neighbour. This is a new weird thing I’ve found that’s just harder than it was. Texting I can do, but talking… which also maybe an issue as I return to a “people oriented” job!
I also apologise to him for my crying outbursts as he was such a happy chap. I guess your messy kitchen would get some eye rolls from your beloved wife but am sure she’s accepting your apologies.
Think we’re just about doing our best..getting up each day is a start..so I’m just about doing that right now.
My brother died 2 years ago. I was off work for 2 months, and that wasn’t long enough. There’s no way I could have gone back any sooner. When I did go back, the work was getting in the way of my grief which was my body and mind’s only concern. Don’t ever go back when you’re not ready.
Thank you Matt1, I feel like I’m going to try tomorrow as we still don’t have a funeral date or anytime we can see him at the chapel of rest. I’m lucky as work are treating me gently and I may only be able to do a few hours but they’re not expecting me at my best. I’ve already spoke with my GP so if I’m struggling I can get help that way to. Hope you are finding your feet again now, and take it easy on yourself x
FWIW I have now been back at work 2 days a week (a phased return) for 3 weeks and much to my surprise it has actually helped a bit - it’s been a real distraction and almost been ‘time off’ from grief for a brief period while working. Working has made me very tired- but it’s a different sort of tired. Everyone is different so this may not be the case for everyone but I pass this on in case it helps.
