It’s been almost 11 months since I said goodnight to my darling husband for the last time. It was a very long, valiant battle. He won so many battles, but unfortunately, after 17 years he lost the war. Family & friends think I’m coping really well. I didn’t realise I was such a good actor, because I’m only coping when I step outside the front door, which I only do out of necessity, I’d much rather stay indoors & just curl up & cuddle the dog. They see me at work, they think, oh good she’s doing ok. They see me laugh, they think, oh good she must be moving on. They ask if I’m alright, & they seem to believe me when I say, oh yes, I’m fine. Inside I’m still screaming, I’m still crying when I climb into bed, I’m still begging him to come back, I’m still so bloody angry that he left me. That’s what upsets me so much. I’m angry with him for leaving me! It wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t do a thing about it. God knows he tried everything possible to stay as long as he could, as horrific as some of the treatments were, he tried them, every last one, & stayed positive & cheerful throughout! His strength, both physical & mental, was absolutely astounding and awe inspiring. I’m living, sorry, no, I’m existing one day at a time, just waiting for the day I can join him!
@Chick i am so sorry your husband died and he fought so hard too . My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and I am still in shock , even though it’s not quite as frightening as it was a year ago . I don’t think there’s ever a “ good “ way to lose the love of your life . Seeing someone you love suffer must be terrible but equally, when the person you live move walks out the door looking perfectly healthy but never comes back is utterly horrible. I , too feel angry with Baz for leaving me which obviously was not his fault sometimes life is just too damned difficult to get through alone isn’t it ? 
Dont feel guilty for feeling angry, it’s all part of this horrible process. I felt angry with Steve today, for asking me out in January last year, knowing that he was so ill. Why embark on a new relationship? It was great for him, but I’m left behind dealing with all this emotional fallout. But deep down I know that I wouldn’t have missed our 13 months together for the World, and he was in denial about the seriousness of his conditions.
And I’ve been out tonight, seeing people we both knew, smiling and being sociable. We look all right on the outside, but as you say, we’re screaming on the inside.
@SadGirlfriend i am so sorry your boyfriend died . Anger does seem to be so common doesn’t it ? I’m sure your Steve was in denial - I’m happy you had over a year of happiness together . I find I get angry with Baz when the normal things in life get difficult to deal with , I get really stressed then I get angry with him for leaving me in a mess . It’s terrible isn’t it xxx
Sorry for your loss yes we all feel guilty and angry for losing the people we love most it’s part of the grieving journey they say grief is love with no place to go yours seems so raw and fresh my angel passed suddenly 8 month ago he was in denial aswell he died of a bleeding gastric ulcer if he had carried on his appointments etc he could have been saved he was also diabetic such a shame he was only 51 I’m angry he left me and his children
My husband died unexpectedly in January, doing his normal physical work the day before being admitted with breathing problems then 10 days later died of cancer. Disbelief, shock and numbness at first. Now overwhelmed by trying to carry on a farm business he loved. One moment i m trying to do my best for the husband i loved so much and then i feel angry i have so many decisions to make daily. Friends mean well but yes they don’t really understand, unless you have suffered loss of a partner you have limited understanding. This community forum and our shared thoughts are helping me make sense of why my husband died when he did.
Yes this forum is very helpful it’s helped me a lot I miss my angel every day but find comfort in his music etc where I get to here his voice again