I lost my beautiful Mum almost 12 weeks ago now. I miss her so much
I’ve been on the sick at work ever since, but I know I’m going to have to show my face at some point. I have been advised to go back on a phased return.
I’ve contacted my manager to let her know my intentions and have asked her if she’d like to arrange a meeting with me to sort some hours out.
In all honesty I feel absolutely terrified at the thought of returning, I thought I was starting to learn how to cope more than I was during the earlier days.
But the last few days I’ve seemed to have gone 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I’m just missing her so much right now and I feel like the longer I go without being able to talk to her the harder it gets.
I wish they weren’t so much pressure in returning to work whilst going through an heartbreaking bereavement.
I know the longer I stay off the harder it’ll be to return and I am only recieving ssp so I’m losing money.
I thought my anxiety was calming down but thinking about going back to work has seemed to restart it all over again, I just feel so full of dread all the time
I’m not exactly happy at work either, I was stressed before I lost her, so obviously this is on my mind as well.
I just want to lock myself up forever but I know that’s not the answer, I’m just so unbelievably heartbroken and honestly feel like she took part of me with her the day she left!
I’m not sure what I’m hoping to achieve writing on here, I guess I’m looking for some advice on how I go back to work without feeling so much doom.
Hi @Jess1 So very sorry to hear of your loss. It’s good that you’ve contacted your Manager - you’ve put the ball in their court to come up with a phased return action plan. One suggestion would be to have a face to face meeting regarding this rather than just a phone call. Perhaps have it where you work so you judge how you feel walking through the door. That might tell you if you’re ready to return.
Have you spoken to your GP or contacted Sue Ryder about getting any counselling?
You mentioned that work was stressful - you might find it useful to make a short list of concerns before you have your return to work chat. Maybe 3 or 4 points about what your expectations are regarding the support you need from them to help you back to work. Perhaps ask for a friendly work colleague to accompany you to the meeting for support?
Best wishes
Hi, sorry you’re feeling such dread at the thought of returning to work. Definitely discuss how you’re feeling with your manager and a phased return sounds appropriate. I went back to my job after 5 weeks off following my Mum’s sudden death. Honestly I probably could have never returned if I didn’t need the money! I was apprehensive about how I would cope but in the end I found work was a temporary distraction from my grief. I’m part-time though so I’m quite fortunate. Best wishes xxx
She has just rang me, apparently I won’t get any sick pay to top up my wage for the lost hours as I only work 2 and a half days a week.
My sick note runs out in a week, she suggested me doing a few half shifts and told me I’ll be on annual leave after that and we can have a proper discussion.
I have asked if I could have the weekends off as I go and see my Grandma on the weekends now as my Mum was her carer so obviously she needs someone else to look after her now.
She told me she can’t give me every weekend off, but said she’ll look at me having every other weekend off and one weekend where I do one day but she can’t promise anything.
She asked what hours I’d like to do but I’m not too sure now because what ever I decide I’ll still lose money as I won’t be entitled to a ssp top up.
The 2 days are usually 10 hours and I feel like it might overwhelm me as it’s quite a long day, she did mentioned doing 4 half shifts which are 5 hours but I feel like it’ll get too much travelling there and back 4 days a week.
@Jess1 I would still ask her if you can call in for a chat before you go back. I would ask for the shift changes/weekend working to be put in writing so that you both know where you stand. The other option is to go chat with your Doctor about another certificate and maybe look around for something that suits your needs better rather than being in the position where you’re constantly feeling worried about work and travel etc. Good luck
I get the impression that I’m not going to get what I want, she said she has to make it fair for everyone else but they’ve not recently lost their mum have they
I feel myself slipping back into a dark place at the thought of going back there when I was so unhappy before I even lost my Mum.
I thought I had got over the worse of it recently but today I feel as bad as when I first learnt my Mum was no longer walking this earth
Even the brain fog is back, I feel like no one understands me, not even my own Gran she actually told me I should be going back to normal by now.
My manager told me that a new employee that started recently lost her husband and only had 2 weeks off, it felt like she was trying to tell me that I should be over it by now, and the ultimate wind up was her saying that I’m better off going back there to keep my mind occupied.
Grrrr why do people think I have the ability to take my mind off losing my Mum especially when the job is so repetitive and I hate it.
I was in the process of looking for a new job beforehand but with me being on the sick I haven’t been looking and I don’t want to rush into something I’d regret.
I’m so confused with everything and sometimes wish I could have joined my mum the day she left x
@Jess1 This might sound like a cliche but, your last sentence, Ask yourself what your Mum would want for you - it wouldn’t be that and that’s not meant to sound disrespectful to how you feel.
Grief & bereavement are different for everyone. Telling you that someone went back to work two weeks after they lost thier husband is irrelevant & not helpful. Maybe as a new employee they were on probation and felt they had to go back or were pressured into going back way too early to protect their job. Your Manager sounds like she has a lack of empathy.
If you are feeling like you’re ‘slipping back into a dark place’ and getting brain fog, could you make an appointment to see your Doctor and talk over how you are feeling. They may be able to refer you for counselling or at least you can discuss your options regarding medication and a sick leave extension if appropriate.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.
I know exactly what you mean, it’s just it gets so unbearable at times. I’m missing her so much and feel like my life has changed forever.
I’ve been having counselling, I’ll be on my 6th sesson this friday and I don’t feel like it’s helping, I’m a tough nut to crack lol in fact sometimes she does my head in trying to tell me how I’m feeling and she couldn’t be more wrong most of the time
My doctor rings me from time to time, I do try and make appointments face to face but my doctors have changed the whole system and he was adamant that telephone appointments will do
I have been given beater blockers for the anxiety but I worry about the long term effects.
I was taking sertraline before and decided they were no longer needed, I couldn’t have stopped them at a worse time, first me and my partner lost his grandad then my mum but I wasn’t to know we was going to lose 2 very important to us in the space of a couple of months
I am quite reluctant about going back on anti depressants as well cause the withdrawl was terrible.
I just wish people were more understanding, I’m a very sensitive person and it always takes me longer than others to get over something.
The truth is though I don’t think I ever will ger over losing my mum
I´m so sorry you´re dealing with this situation. It is so horrible when people aren´t empathetic. I recently lost my Mum 3 months ago, and it is horrific. I completely get the feeling of wanting to hide away from the world. Losing someone so important definitely changes how you view the world and these things just don´t seem important. I definitely feel changed forever, maybe this is a chance to change things? You said that the job was stressing you out even before this happened. Obviously, this is added energy that you don´t need. Can I suggest some things that have been suggested to me? I am in a similar situation. Are there any alternative jobs that you could do that are low-pressure and don´t require too much of yourself, something very temporary to tide yourself over? Or for example a temporary job in something really slow, like in a small café or a garden centre? Literally something very temporary where you won´t have this constant pressure to perform. But also gives you a bit of structure a couple of days a week to fight this feeling of wanting to be shut away. I too am figuring things out and completely understand if this isn´t helpful or if everything is overwhelming. I hope you find strength and hope in knowing that your Mum will always be with you. She is rooting for you, she wants you to be happy. Remember how much she loves you. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find ways of coping x
On this page, you’ll find advice about managing your return to work, including information about how your employer can support you and how to plan your first day back.
My manager went and put me down for two 10 hour shifts after we discussed me doing 2 half shifts, she shouldn’t have really put me down for any until I had my doctors review this Friday.
This ended up putting me in panic mode and I felt so done with her, I ended up emaling the big manager complaining about her and even said the added presure is making it hard for me to want to return. I also mentioned about me looking after my Grandma now and her refusing to sort something for me, I was not thinking at the time.
Turns out the manager I emailed is away on holiday, so I messaged my manager saying I thought that we had agreed to 2 half days for the time being and reminded her that she shouldn’t have taken action till I had spoken to my doctor first.
She replied and said she had to put it onto the system but she will take it off till we have a chat after my doctors appointment. I ended up telling her that her doing what she did sent me in a panic due to me still suffering with my mental health so I emailed the main manager about my concerns.
I’m even more worried about returning to work now in case I lose my job or there’s tensions there now cause like I haven’t got enough on my plate.
At the time I thought I’ve got to think about myself and wellbeing but now I’m so nervous that I’m going to be in trouble now
Hi Jess, Just reading your messages, Sorry to hear about you losing your mum, I just wanted to say, you sounded like me, I lost my partner early February, and tbh work at the time was putting quite a lot of pressure on me at the time, which seemed to not really help me, I was stressed at my job before I lost my partner too, I know it’s not the same, as losing a mum, I ended up handing my notice in the end, not the right thing to do, but my grief made me do it, I’ve not worked since end of January, because of the shock just had to take time away from it and everyone really, took things 1 day at a time, that’s all I could do, Ive not properly worked since End of January, I thought would send you a message and a virtual hug I wouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself regarding work, I know we all need to work, but I think Health is your Wealth really, without it you cannot work and do a good job, I would rather be happy at work rather then going into something that your going to be unhappy at. Hopefully you get it sorted and make the right decision for yourself. But I’m here if you ever need a listening ear. Susie xx
I’m having a complete meltdown over the email I sent yesterday but my fella has read it and said I’m worrying over nothing cause it didn’t sound that bad.
Truth is I really don’t know whether I’m ready to go back with the way I feel about it.
All the worry is making me poorly, and on a verge of a breakdown.
I just wish I could go back to only being stressed about my job where my mum was still here, it made more sense back then.
I wish my doctor would sort a face to face appointment out, I find it hard work talking about it over the phone.
I wouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself regarding work, I know we all need to work, but I think Health is your Wealth really, without it you cannot work and do a good job, I would rather be happy at work rather then going into something that your going to be unhappy at. Hopefully you get it sorted and make the right decision for yourself. But I’m here if you ever need a listening ear. Susie xx