Not wanting support

I lost my dear husband on 9 weeks ago in hospital after a short illness. I 2 married daughters an elderly disabled mother siblings and loads of friends.
I understand about the stages of grief. Anger being one of them. And everyone says its important to get support. But i am hating all this support. Im feeling more and more angry with the constant phone calls messages knocking on the door. Offering coffee, kettles always on, shoulder to cry on, anything i can do etc if one more person tells me to go round for a tea and chat and im a strong person i will get through this i shall scream. I should be grateful. Im luckier than many. But i just want everyone to go away and stop offering their support. I want themvto leave me alone. I am hurting people who want to help but they cant. This is awful


I know exactly what you mean @Carolyn5055 .
I felt just the same.

My theory is that some of us are pack animals and need to be surrounded by the pack when we’re injured.

Others of us, (you and me maybe Carolyn?), prefer to retreat to our lair and lay low, lick our wounds until such time as we feel ready to face the world again - preferably in small doses.

I too, felt ungrateful, as I know people mean well and want to feel that they’re doing something to help - but it’s no help at all if it’s not what you want.

In the end I was just very blunt with folk and told them that I needed to be on my own just now but I know where you are when I need you.
I also told them I was a difficult woman to help and I knew this ie. it’s me not you.
I think also, reassuring them that I would be OK was helpful for them (I think people worry about self harm etc if you are alone).

Grief is exhausting enough without having to deal with your own sadness plus everyone else’s.

Take care.
I hope you manage to find a polite way to tell them all to buzz off and leave you alone.


PS. Is that a typo or do you really have 12 married daughters?!

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No just the 2 daughters!
Thank you. Made me feel better reading your response. Yes i am so worried about hurting peoples feelings but you have suggested a way that i can say how i feel but give them hope i will come back to them. The only people who know what grief is like someone who has been there. X


Dear @Carolyn5055

I have also found it really difficult since my wonderful husband passed away 5 months ago.

I have two lovely daughters, a granddaughter and other family and friends who tell me “how strong I am, it’s early days, he wouldn’t want you to be sad all the time !!! etc etc.”
I’m not strong and I damn well know it’s early days and the thought of being without him for even one day is unbearable!!!

When people ask “How are you” I feel they expect you/us to say “Yes, I’m okay just taking it one day at a time” or something along those lines.

But I’m not okay and I never will be okay again. So last week I made the decision to answer people truthfully!!! I now reply “I’m not feeling good, I wish I could say I’m okay but I’m not and I never will be without him”.

People who know me well have been surprised because my character is usually to be “a people pleaser” !!!
It doesn’t change how I feel but it has given me a sense of strength in a strange way.


Thank you for saying that is exactly how i am feeling. And i am getting people saying How are you feeling? And making a sad face and i feel guilty because THEY are upset. My mum keeps crying and telling me how much she will miss Andy and my brother in law tells me nothing will be the same and his lost his best mate. They are so distressed i feel i have to say I know its hard but we have to take one day at a time and we cant grieve forever…WHAT?!. Im tring to make them feel better… anyway last few days im starting to say Actually im shit, its all shit and im not coping at all. And i get:
"Oh Carolyn i know (no you dont) it will take time but every day will get better (no it doesnt). Your a strong person (no im actually not). Maybe you could go away for a break (thats not going to help if im going without Andy). I’ve got friends coming over later why dont you join us (yeah all couples which makes me feel worse)
Maybe i should put a note on the door close the curtains switch off the phone.
Years ago people did. A family in mourning was left to grieve. Now everybody wants to be seen being kind and its suffocating.
Should i copy and paste this on my facebook page!
Take care.


It’s so hard. Everyone tries to tell you how you should be, what he would have said or wanted for you. Basically it’s just a load of stuff they feel they should say, platitudes, just in an attempt to make you feel better, when in fact nothing anyone says will make you feel better.
I find that the best support is from people who just listen, rather than talk. I agree that time on your own is important, so you can just be.
It’s the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Love to all of us x


I understand what you mean .
I too felt the same after about 8 weeks . It got to the point where I felt overwhelmed and didn’t want anyone visiting so had to put stop to visitors as felt like needed time in isolation to reflect and think .
I’m still bit like that now 6 months on. I know spend time chat with those I want to etc
Think we all need to focus on ourselves when faced with such tragic sudden loss .Not doing what others want .
Just need space time etc

Take care x

Thank you.
From what i am reading from this web page i am not alone feeling like this. And that has made me feel better about telling people i will contact them when i need to talk.


Ive felt alot better since i got a dog 2 weeks ago. Maybe thats why, cos he just listens and doesnt reply with stupid comments like youre so strong, or youre doing so well!!
I know people mean well, but going for coffee is draining, putting a mask on cos your trying to please people and not make them feel awkward by getting upset, but then as soon as you walk back into the empty house it hits you again…the darkness, the loneliness, the quiet, no one to ask you how you day was, or what you want for tea.
Sorry for rant, but yeah sometimes i feel id rather be on my own with my dog, who i truly believe was sent to me by my hubby.
Love and hugs x


The only way is to be honest with people and blunt with people who are thick skinned. Otherwise it will continue and it’s only you that will suffer even more Think of yourself and do what helps you ok

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Thank you everyone for all your replies. Its been so comforting to hear I am not unusual in wanting to have less offers of support. I kept feeling there was something wrong with me not answering the phone or hiding when people came round. I know i shall never fully recover but already finding this site has been helpful for the future.

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Well i have sent a message to many people explaining i appreciate all the sympathy and offers of coffee and chats but right now i need to have some time away from everyone and be alone to heal and process my thoughts. And when i feel ready i will contact them. This seems to have created panic and in the past few hours im getting missed phone calls and messages begging me to go and stay with them as i clearly need a break! Oh dear…

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Oh no !
Maybe just say that you are thankful for support and will contact them when you ready to meet up etc

I lost my precious husband 6 mos and 15 days ago. Feel no better. I have heard all the cliches too. Fortunate or unfortunate depending on your point of view, our families live thousands of miles away. Some of them try to be helpful, but they have no clue what I am going through. We had no children. My circle of support is small. I do go to a grief meeting weekly and find it helpful in that these folks get it like the folks on this site. I have a neighbor who likes to think she is helpful by trying to educate me on grief. Imagine!! The five steps of grieving, how people that are grieving can be angry on and on. She asked me if I was feeling better and I told her no I will never feel better about losing the love of my life. Finally I said people that have not been through this agonizing journey just don’t understand. I kept hearing my husband telling me to tell her I have to go. And that is just what I did! Sick of it all. Just leave me alone! Thank goodness for this site.
Love and peace, Karen


Yes I have been fed up with people who boss me about trying to force me to go where I don’t want to go just is counter productive. I most like to be with my grandsons and sons and don’t want to catch covid which goes around. They seem to think I have to go back to pre pandemic days and don’t want to.
I like zoom. I didn’t miss big gatherings and catching everything.
I am glad I had three years vextra with my husband who would have had no chance had he caught it.
I have learnt to find stuff to do here.
Yes I miss our trips out and no real wish alone. Now is best time of year coming up Spring time

I’m so glad I found this post! I’m so fed up with hearing “you need to push yourself and get out the house even just for a walk”! I just want to be on my own in my house to process and cry. I have shopping delivered so I don’t need to go anywhere. My eldest daughter and her 2 small children are living with me at the moment as her flat was damaged a couple of weeks before my partner of 4 years took his life. I’m never alone in the house (apart from school run time) and I feel suffocated. I spend a lot of time in my room watching rubbish on TV. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be ok again! I am due to start counselling at the beginning of April so I’ll have to go out then but for now I dont want to “go for a walk” or “invite so and so round for coffee”!


Hi Helen
My situation is quite different to yours but like you I know I will never be the same person again. I’d been with my husband for 51 years and expected to be with him for many more years. I lost my brother five years ago to suicide so also have an understanding of the additional pain that a death by suicide brings.
I’m getting a bit better when people ask if I’m “okay” at saying “No I’m not okay and I don’t think I ever will be”. I know people think they are helping when they say these things but it’s not helpful at all.
It’s so hard trying to be there for family when all you want to do is shut the door, turn the phone off, close the curtains and be alone with your grief.
I found some good support after my brother’s death from the Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide charity and also there’s a booklet called Help is at Hand which can be found online.


Time is a great healer. At least you had 40 years together. He wouldnt want you sitting round moping. You need to get out more. You need to take a break. Why dont we meet for lunch. You’re a strong person. You’ll get through this. You used to be such a positive person. Sometimes bad things happen…
I’ve heard it all so many times. The only people who understand it doesnt help are people who come here…


Yes, sometimes you just need to have someone listen and not say anything