Hi Dave, so sorry you feel like this. I too am still grieving and cant cope with lonliness. I also wake up in mornings with a feeling of anxiety and fear. Had lots of problems with neighbours builders causing damp in my house and now i need hospital checks myself. The world is a scary place and i felt safe with my husband. Take care. Im thinking about you and youre not alone in this. Best wishes. Debbie xx
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Hi everyone.
I want to send my love and hugs to everybody on this site. 
I’ve just come back from shopping and sat down and sobbed. My husband and I always went shopping together and I absolutely hate being on my own, especially at this time. He was so generous. If I saw something I liked, especially Christmas things, he’d say “I’ll get it for you”. I know we all have very similar feelings, but I love and miss him more than words can express. I know we all have to “go” sooner or later, but I really want mine to be sooner. I hate feeling like this - tears at every turn and no-one to confide in. I just want to be with him so much. 
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It is so very hard. My husband was always saying I’ll get you it. Now I just think what the hell and buy it myself. Whenever I get anything wrong with me I find myself hoping its something serious. But we don’t get to decide. I know it would devestate my family if anything happened to me. All my three boys do not have any friends who have lost their dads. So I keep going for them, and I do find joy in my grandchildrens smiles but when you are alone the grief and loneliness wraps its arms around you and you feel you are drowning. So today is spent doing the last of my online Christmas shopping and taking yet another bag of stuff to the charity shop. Its a lovely day so will get out there and go for a walk. I can pretend that my husband is beside me.
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Wise words, thank you. I feel physically sick just thinking about ‘everything’ at once. So now only do small steps, daily doable stuff. Kleenex must be making a fortune, the tears keep coming - let them come. No one can blame you and no one on this site would. We’re like an invisible battalion walking side by side, helping each other if we stumble.
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Hi Debbie, The loneliness is horrendous. I’ve talked to people who say the loneliness lessens as you get used to living alone but for me it’s getting worse. I had never lived alone until Lillian died. I can’t bear it. Now I am without her I have lost all my self confidence and finding it more difficult to go out.
I’m so sorry you are having to put up with the damp from your neighbour’s building work. I hope you are okay, damp can cause serious health problems.
You take care too, Debbie and look after yourself. Thinking of you too. We can all get though this somehow with the help of each other. Sending hugs, Dave. xx
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Hi Dave thank you for your message. It hasnt got easier for me. My daughter came round this evening and it was lovely, but when she left i felt alone again. Neigbours havec admitted liability for damp and have sacked their builders and got another firm in so hopefully problems will get sorted and i dont have to stress about that too. Try and keep busy if you can. Distraction can help for a while. A long weekend coming up which i dont like. Take care and look afterb yourself. Debbie xx
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Hi all. Why is it that I feel whatever I say or do no-one is interested. I just feel totally alone.
I keep being told to go out - I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT - apart from food shopping. Where would I go. I’m on my own. Places I could go to just remind me of being with my husband and it’s just too painful. I’ve always been happy to be in the house and potter, and while I’m not happy any more, I feel secure just staying in. My confidence has gone. I find it so difficult making decisions with no-one to talk things over. I could sit and cry all day. I don’t, because what would that achieve. I’ll admit mornings are the worst - lots of tears, and at meal times. I’m told it will get better - I don’t think so. I’m always going to love him. I’m always going to miss him - how can it get better. It’s been 5 months now since my husband passed away and I’m feeling far worse now. Far more tears, far more feelings of hopelessness.
I suppose it sounds as if I’m feeling sorry for myself and yes, I guess I am, so I apologise to everyone 'cos I know we’re all “in the same boat”. I’ve no family of my own so just need to offload somewhere.
I just feel that throughout my life, no-one has ever listened to me, no-one has ever taken me seriously so why should it be any different now. My husband has been the only one who really loved me for me - faults and all - and now he’s not here. We only had 10 years married - the happiest 10 years of my life, and now it’s all over and I feel I’m back to where I was.
Sorry, I’m going on too much and too long.
Love and hugs to you all.
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@Harriet4Bill
Indeed!
I think the more people expect me to be sorting myself out, and become a “going out all the time” person that I’ve never actually been, the less I actually feel like doing it or even trying to do it. And the more I avoid people.
Just like you my husband was the one who understood me and accepted me for who I am. All my life I’ve been told I’m wrong about everything. Even when I was supporting him through a decade of cancer, devoting my life to him, I was told I should be looking after myself and was failing because I wasn’t (Sure, nice thought! But I was running a business, running the house & finances, being a full time carer with no other support, and chauffer to several medical appts a week… I’m not a flippin magician that could create time warps and different realities). I have a decade of tiredness to deal with. And I’m also revisiting the loss (of our anticipated future at 52) that we thought we’d dealt with years ago, along with the reality now.
I’ve decided I’m keeping my head down till after Christmas. I tried going to a grief group, but when I said I planned to spend Christmas alone I still got the tut, tut from people who have close families to support them. We always hated Christmas and avoided other people’s ones.
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@Harriet4Bill
Hi Harriet,
I have been reading your posts… and recognise all the feelings and emotions you speak about. I was just interested to know, how you are now and whether things have got better for you? I hope you dont mind me reaching out to you
Hi
No things have not got any better. In fact I think my feelings are worse every day. It’s coming up to 12 months since my husband passed away. I really can’t believe it’s been that long - it could be yesterday. I miss him so much
I only have to look at his cereal bowl or place at the table and the tears come flooding.
I’ve never wished my life away before but I miss him so much - I just want to be with him. I could never do anything silly, that would be wrong. But I just hope I don’t have long to wait. I can’t go out with him, I can’t sit and talk to him or have a laugh so what’s the point. I don’t have any family of my own so I can’t see any point to my life. He was the only person who has actually loved me for me and I love him so much.
Sorry to be such a misery but words cannot adequately express exactly how I feel.
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Hi Harriet. It’s damned hard isn’t it, carrying on. Im 8 months in. I missed telling him what id been doing or who id seen etc- i started to write a note to him each evening when we would have swapped news. I burnt the notes that same evening as a conversation would be passed too. I understand your thinking of why carry on - i had the same thought just yesterday- but it’s not our time yet. Today i started to paint our sitting room - and have reassigned his chair at the table to his oldest grandchild who is six. Take the offers from friends to go or do- it’s only a few hours and will give you something to think about even though you don’t really want to go.
Take care. X
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Hi Harriet,
I’m really so very sorry to know that things have not got any easier for you. But it’s easy to understand why. Not everyone is blessed with a large family/friend support network - myself included - my family is tiny. Extended family disappeared when my dear parents sadly passed away. The very few friends I have, are mainly work colleagues and I don’t think they’re too overly interested in my heartache and pain. Like you… myself and my partner relied very heavily on each other… but very happily so… we got on amazingly in every way possible and didn’t need anyone else really. We were always busy and also worked long hours for the same company, with quite a long commute to and from work… so, to be honest we didn’t have too much time to spend socialising with other people. We were just happy and comfortable in each other’s company, getting on with our gardening, housework, home improvements, shopping and days out. It was what made us happy. I can understand how you feel, because it was just the two of you. Your lives were intertwined and you were happy. So what happens now? When you don’t have any support network to lean on. It’s so difficult because the only place you can find comfort and strength is from within… and that’s easier said than done. I understand your pain and I’m so sorry. Not so long ago, I had such a massive panic/anxiety attack. I felt so scared and very alone. I tried phoning a couple of work friends but neither answered, so in my desperation, I ended up calling the Samaritans helpline. To be honest, I didn’t find the person at the other end of the line that helpful or sympathetic really, and the connection was awful, but in that moment of pure desperation and anguish and feeling that I was all alone in the world, at least there was another human being at the other end of the phone line. It’s just not like me at all. I always felt so strong, safe and secure with my darling soulmate by my side. I would never have a panic/anxiety attack. How life can change in a blink of an eye… it’s unbelievable! I don’t know how we’re expected to carry on without them and I’m not sure what to say, other than you’re not alone. Just minute by minute and hour by hour. Sending you strength, prayers, love and hugs.
Evelyn x 
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I am week 19 since losing my Sue. Hung my washing out and getting ready to go to a bereavement coffee morning. I’ve not seen family or friend’s since Sue’s funeral 17th February (they live over a 100 miles away). The last 3 phone calls have been weird, i know they are moving on as they should be. I will be honest i don’t know what is keeping me going. Like you we were happy in are own little world. I have had counselling, i know what i am supposed to do. I just can’t see the point no kids, feeling so alone. Knowing i will never know Love like that again. I feel at 57 my life is over. I also have no job. Just each day brings me closer to Sue. Don’t worry i won’t do anything daft. Just want to be honest with someone.
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I understand your feelings, I feel that way too. I can’t see any point to my life without Roger. We did everything together. Family live far away . They are getting on with their lives of course. I have no real purpose now - taking care of Roger was my purpose in life and he did the same for me,
Kate
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Hello brummy
What we are all going through I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Like you I would never do anything silly, but that’s not to say the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. I couldn’t because it would be wrong.
I have no life without my Bill. He was everything to me - my reason to be.
I have a house - it’s not a home any more. I have an existence - it’s not a life any more💔
I don’t have a purpose. I really have never felt so unhappy in my life before. I just feel utterly helpless. I desperately want to be with my Bill but I have no control over it. I have never shed so many tears as I have over the last 12 months and it seems to be getting worse. I miss him more and more every day. He was gentle, kind, considerate, thoughtful, loving and he really spoilt me… I loved him so much for who he was not for what he gave me, although he did give me all his love. He was the only person who really loved me for me (faults and all).
For some people, especially those with families, time may heal. I don’t think it ever will for me.
I send my love and hugs to everyone on this site. I think we have so much in common.
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It will be 12 months on Thursday since my beloved Bill passed away. I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday.
His daughter came over on Sunday and took flowers to the churchyard. I stand in front of his headstone and somehow I just can’t make sense of it. It doesn’t feel real and the tears flow. I love and miss him so much. We’d only been married for 10 years but they were the happiest 10 years of my life. Now I’ve got the worst time in my life.
This sounds really silly but I hate it when the sun shines. I think of the things we were going to do. I love the rain!!!
We were going to put a small pond in the garden. The hole is there. The pond liner is there but there is no way I can do anything with it. He bought some lovely garden ornaments to go round the pond - they are sitting upstairs and that’s where they will remain. Someone said I must do it for Bill - why - he’s not here to see it and that upsets me so much. I cannot see a point to anything. I cannot see a point to my being here. Bill’s two children have been supportive but they have their own families and I see less and less of them.
I’m told I should go out more. Where am I supposed to go ON MY OWN. I do the essential shopping but only last week ended up driving back home in floods of tears because I could imagine him sitting in the car with me, chatting and now there’s no-one.
I have a lovely house and some lovely things that both he and I bought to make it nice for us to share. Therein lies the problem. Everything was for us to share and without him they seem to lose their meaning. It’s a lovely house but it’s not a home any more. I don’t have a life - I exist from day to day.
I’m sorry to say this, but I’m just longing for the day I can be with him - If that’s possible. His first wife died suddenly and although I know he loved me very much he may be with her and we won’t be able to be together 
I never thought I’d ever say this but I hate my life as it is. I just don’t want to be here. I’d never do anything silly because that would be wrong but I just feel helpless and hopeless.
I know we’re all going through this and it is truly horrific.
I send my sincere love and hugs to everyone
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Harriet4Bill,
I know how you feel, i am 5 months today. I feel like I’m just going through the motions and like you,i won’t do anything silly. I thought i got through my shopping last week without crying. Then at self service i felt a tear rolling down my face.
Not seen family and friends since February, the only people i see regularly now is my bereavement coffee morning twice a month. I’m 57 and I’m feeling done. Yet i get up and i don’t why. I am sorry you are also feeling like this. Take care
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@Harriet4Bill
Dear Harriet,
Your post really resonates with me.
I understand exactly when you say that you don’t like it when the sun is shining because it reminds you of all the things you would be doing together if your beloved Bill was still with you. This is how I feel and I thought it could only be me who thought and felt that. When the sun shines, it reminds me of all the plans we would be making whether it was going out for the day, working in the garden or washing the car. It didn’t matter really, as long as we were together. Again, like you, our lives revolved around our homelife. Everything that we put in place to make a nice home… was for “US” to enjoy together, now and also in the future. As you say, it’s all pretty pointless now. I never thought I’d find myself ‘living’ this life at the age of 58. We were so very happy and looking forward to our future together. I felt loved, respected, safe and cared for by my soulmate. Now I feel so aimless and helpless, and I’m in deep pain. I don’t seem to know who I am or what to do anymore. Also, because I could wholly trust, depend and rely on my soulmate 100%… now that he isn’t here, it’s very difficult for me to know who to turn to or who to trust. Sadly, these days I find people are less caring. This magnifies the isolation and the loneliness. My soulmate was my world, and I was his. We did everything together, and deeply loved and cared for each other. It’s a humongous loss which I can’t even find words for. Harriet… can I please ask you… do you feel that you have been able to make any kind of adjustment a year down the line or is it always the same? Also, do you have family and friends who you can rely on? My extended family (cousins) branched off many years ago and now concentrate on their own nuclear families. I haven’t had any contact with them for many years. They don’t even know of my soulmate’s passing, I don’t think they would even be interested to be honest and I wouldn’t feel comfortable approaching them, regardless of the pain I’m in and the loneliness I am experiencing. The situation is a nightmare.
Sending you strength and love x
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So sorry to hear of rveryones pain. I lost my wife nearly six months ago and it still hurts so much. Its only my spiritual beliefs that i can find comfort. A good book i recommend is Life After Life by Raymond Moody. It may bring comfort to some.X
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Hello HeartofGold
Everyone goes through this in a different way, but I have to say we appear to be on the same wavelength.
I’m sorry to say that even after 12 months I don’t feel any different. I just do what I have to but with no enthusiasm or motivation.
Bill has two children, both with families of their own. One lives about an hour and a half away I don’t see much if her. She does ring me. The other lives locally but I see less of him. I guess it’s not because he doesn’t care but his wife’s family have always come first.
A couple of my neighbours, who have lost their husbands ( not recently) are supportive.
It’s just not having someone to share things with. I tend to panic sometimes and wonder if something goes wrong who do I turn to. I can’t make decisions and have lost my confidence.
I seem to know a lot of people but don’t have many real friends. No-one rings me. I know I could ring or text folks but then I think “why should I”, they obviously don’t care. Am I just feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could be more positive but it’s just not happening.
Like you say, we lived for each other. We just loved being together. He spoilt me and I spoilt him and I love and miss him so much and I’m longing for the day when I may be able to be with him again.
Sending you all my love HeartofGold
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