My lovely husband died unexpectedly 8 weeks ago. He had been poorly but I lost him within 3 days of him starting chemotherapy. I feel like I have a huge raw wound and it will ever heal. I don’t want to carry on without him and a future seems pointless
11 Likes
@KateTr
I’m so very sorry for your sudden and unexpected loss.
What you’ve expressed is normal for many of us, particularly at the early stage you are at. It’s 14 weeks for me and I still feel that way often.
I think the only way to cope at this point, is not to think too far ahead. At the moment it is like you are living in a world of fog and you can’t expect to see too far ahead. So don’t think or try to look into the future yet. Just tackle each day, or each hour, as they come. Cry when you feel like it. Be gentle with yourself. Congratulate yourself on anything you manage to do, whether that’s getting up, feeding yourself, going out, speaking to anyone, tackling admin. I am hoping that by coping little by little now, and getting stronger through it, that eventually I will one day be in a position to find some sense in the future.
8 Likes
I feel the same. What is left for me on my own. Lost interest in everything and sleep and cry all the time. I know i should cope better but i just want what i had before where i felt safe. Its not getting easier and i understand completely how you feel. Take care and know you are not alone with these feelings. Wish i had an answer to it all. Xx
13 Likes
Thank you so much
1 Like
KateTr, I am so sorry that your husband died. Mine did too. 9 weeks tomorrow. I get it. I get it all.
I know you want your old life back. Me too. But, Darling Kate, it isn’t going to happen which is the hardest and harshest of realities. It is just unacceptable and unbelievable, isn’t it? The loss is bigger than anyone can possibly understand unless they, too, are a widow or widower. We are all stumbling around in a fog, unable to function, and our brains are scrambled. Some of us cry all the time, others can’t cry.
We may not want to live without our husbands and wives, but we will. We will figure it out. Step by step, we will emerge and have a life again. as we continue to stumble our way, we get better at it and it will become the new normal.
Cry until the tears stop. They will. In 18 months you will be in a different place emotionally and functionally - remember - this, too, shall pass.
Hour by hour. That is how I live. I can only think an hour in advance. To think of my entire future without my husband is too much to bear. It makes me weak, my insides turn upside down and the blood rushes from my face - just typing this.
I tell myself that I am already living the future without him and will live it in person, in real time, everyday for as long as I live. It is not a lie.
My husband will always be with me in whatever I do and wherever I go. Yours will be with you too.
Much love.
10 Likes
I feel the same, Kate. I am just existing without a reason to carry on living. My whole world came crashing down the day Lillian died. I wake up every day at 3am absolutely terrified of being without her.
I keep going in the hope that things will improve but at 7 weeks I am feeling worse.
Please remember you are not alone in what you are going through. I know that doesn’t help with the agony and despair but we are here for you.
8 Likes
Help!!! It’s 5 months since I lost my husband. I feel worse now than ever. I’m in floods of tears every morning - just can’t stop them. Nothing has any meaning - there’s no point to anything any more. Yes, I take one day at a time but it’s not living, it’s just an existence. I go shopping because I have to. People keep telling me I have to get out but I don’t want to go anywhere because he wouldn’t be there with me - to share things, to talk with, to have a laugh with.
Christmas coming is an absolute nightmare - I don’t want to know. He loved helping me with the tree, the lights, the decorations, I just can’t face any of it. I’ve got to write cards with just my name - guess there’ll be floods of tears again. I haven’t got any family of my own, so no-one to offload on to, so sorry to everyone for being so negative. I just can’t get myself out of it. I just want to be with him and I can’t be and it hurts so much - I can’t put it into words.
We had each other and now I have no-one. I have never been so miserable and unhappy in my life and I can’t see it changing 'cos I love him so much and miss him so much and that’s never going to change.
Love and hugs to you all 
Sorry for the moan 
14 Likes
Hi Harriet, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. There is absolutely no need to apologise. It is good that you are letting your feelings out. I have felt exactly the same since my wife Lillian died seven weeks ago.
I try to get through each day as it comes but it’s really hard. I don’t want to go out but I don’t want to be in the house alone either. We used to do everything together and not having Lillian beside me is unbearable.
We met when we were seventeen and were together for forty years so I find it hard to remember a time without her.
I have no family for support either. What family I had has moved away and they are no longer in contact.
You are not alone in how you feel. The despair and agony is beyond words. I have tried to describe how bad it feels but it’s just not possible.
Christmas is going to be horrendous. Lillian loved Christmas and she would be getting ready for it by now. I just can’t do it. It is absolutely heart breaking.
Sending you a hug,
David.
5 Likes
David - thank you for your words and for understanding. I sometimes feel I’m the only one who feels the way I do.
3 Likes
Thank you so mych
1 Like
Thinking of you x
2 Likes
Its 5wks since I lost Steve. I just dont know who I am anymore my life was all about him. I do have a loving family both my grown up children are helping me but they to are grieving. Im having my house valued as I cant stay here anymore we have been here 26 years and Steve did so much to it but its too big for me and I cant manage the garden. I cry myself to sleep most nights I
feel like my heart has been ripped out. So glad I found this forum. Love to all xxx
7 Likes
I am so sorry for your loss, and have a lot of empathy for you. I do find it comforting to talk to people in here, and to know there are so many of us going through the same feelings and emotions.
My partner passed away suddenly on 11 th October. I had to move house three days afterwards and everything is still very surreal.
I am going for an initial appointment with a counsellor this afternoon, and am hoping it will help me process it all. I have also bought a book called ’ I wasn’t ready to say goodbye’, which is for people coping with the sudden death of a loved one. It is the only book I can read at the moment, and is very good.
As others have said here, take one hour at a time in these early stages, and reach out to people close to you. I have found it helpful to get out of the house for a while every day, even if it is only for an hour and going to the local shop.
Please send me a private message if you would like to have regular contact.
Judy x
6 Likes
Hi @Harriet4Bill, your words resonate very strongly with me. At over 7 months since I lost my husband suddenly, I could have written exactly the same as you. I have found the last couple of months to be the hardest, and like you, I feel as if I am only existing. I’m almost counting the hours until I go to bed so I can sleep and shut it out… then I wake up at 3am and it starts all over again.
It’s the hardest thing in the world to have to accept that our lives will never be the same again, but at least from reading this forum, we can find comfort in knowing we’re not alone.
6 Likes
We all would jump at the prospect to be with the closest to us. I’m no different, some days I’m ok and seem to get through the day without the tears. I find it hard to talk about mum and I feel right now I never needed her so much. But mum was 95 when she passed so really wouldn’t be able to help me. Monday was tough as I had a pre SCT meeting, I was suppose to go into hospital on the 3rd December I now delayed that. Was diagnosed with Myeloma Cancer back in June. I got a sister and friends but they not my mum.
2 Likes
Please do not make life changing decisions so soon after your loss. Your head is not in the right place, and it will add to your stress. I always wondered how I would feel about my house if on my own. It is too big and so is the garden. However it is my home and my safe space. I know the neighbours should I have a problem. I have bought a new lawnmower as my husbands one is quite heavy, and am actually finding gardening therapeutic. If it gets too much I can always pay someone. I may decide to move eventually but it’s too early to make that decision. In the meantime I am declutterring. Like you I don’t know who I am. We met when I was 19 and had 45 years together. Until I know me and what I’m capable of I can’t know what is right for me. Good luck in whatever you decide.
7 Likes
I’m so sorry. Only 6 weeks in I can’t give advice but one thing is, I’ve decided not to give Christmas cards this year - like you, i don’t want to see just my name. Take care. C
5 Likes
Seven weeks today for me. They brought his ashes home yesterday, I thought I was bearing up ok until then. I’ve gone backwards. And like so many others I can’t face going out, not to the shops not even a walk. I long for company yet dread it. I have to check my phone to see what day it is. I’m dreading Christmas. Silly things are panicking me and I used to be the one to say ‘dont panic we’ve got this’. I’m scared I won’t be able to recall what his voice sounded like. I’ve kept his favourite jumper & sprayed it with his ‘posh’ last Christmas aftershave and hug it to get to sleep.
7 Likes
You’re having a bad day. That happens to me too. Just when you are thinking you are doing well, bang you are hit with a sledgehammer. Just take the time you need. Tomorrow is another day and you may feel a lot better and stronger to face the day. Don’t be hard on yourself, you are grieving. In my early days I couldn’t remember anything about him. As the weeks have gone on I am able to remember him better. It’s 8 weeks on Saturday. It’s strange that not only do I still love him, but I actually still feel the love he gave to me. I do hope that lasts. It’s what’s keeping me going, and giving me strength. You won’t always feel like this, it just takes time.
4 Likes
Emm88, I feel the same. I can’t bear the loneliness of being in the house but going out and seeing couples together getting ready for Christmas makes me feel worse.
I have a friend who comes round very occasionally but he doesn’t stay long and only wants to talk about football. I’m grateful for his visits though as he’s the only company I have.
I wake up scared every morning. Lillian made everything alright just by being there. I panic at the slightest thing these days. The world has turned into a very cruel place and I’m finding it hard to cope with.
6 Likes